Sextra: Separating Sex and Emotion

- By Bossip Staff

Happy Friday, Bossip Readers! With sex being a large part of our culture and society, there’s no disputing the fact that sex is different for men and women. Lately, however, it seems as though women have taken on an attitude that is similar to a man’s, in terms of sex. It’s almost as if women have adapted to a man’s ability to separate sex and emotion and, in turn, have learned to do the same. Beyond the fact that, nowadays, sex is dangerous and even deadly, we’ve lost sight of its purposes: intimacy, procreation and sharing yourself mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Well, after asking around, it’s safe to assume this generation is all out for self until the loneliness sets in. We were curious to know what people really think about sex, emotion and the disconnection, so we asked. Take a look at what some folks had to say. WIthout sounding dismal, it’s a sad state of affairs out there. If you have somebody, be so, so grateful you don’t have to deal with some of this foolishness. SMH.

Um, well … by and large, for men the two are just unrelated. Men don’t have to love someone to have sex with them. Women are capable of doing the same but their ideals are slightly lofty and unrealistic once their emotions are involved. And I have to say, there is emotion in sex for men but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s long-term. Could be just for the night, or a weekend, a month. Hell, occasionally. I don’t know why we have that ability to separate the two because it’s not a … healthy lifestyle. Ultimately we want to be with one person but not before we get all the play out of our systems.– Travis, 29

Men are creatures of the moment. It has nothing to do with longevity. And we, for the most part, succumb to the moment. And I agree with Travis, there is a bit of emotion that goes hand-in-hand with sex and as crass as it may sound, I might be emotionally attached to your a*s in the air, but only for that moment. Women put too much stock in their box – like it’s gold – but for us it’s just a warm, wet, hole. We’re physical and visual. I see therefore, I like. If I can get it, great! If not, on to the next. That’s what it is until a man is ready to settle down but it won’t be a moment sooner. – Mike B., 31

I’ve had sex with men I didn’t feel emotionally attached to and actually indulged in the physical with the intentions of letting it go after that night, but I can’t do that anymore! I am not that girl! See, I’m sort of vain and my thinking was: “Oh, he’ll be back. I’m irresistible. He’ll be back.” And then he doesn’t call, text, nothing! That right there took way too many shots to my pride. That did emotional damage for sure because I’m busy trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and in reality, it was the choices I was making. But now, if I’m not in a committed relationship, I’m not having sex. That’s not necessarily what I want to do because I do have needs but that’s more what I have to do to.– Meghan, 30

I’ve lived life as a man at one point. I used to have sex with men just because they were good in bed or because I needed it. It was always safe sex, but at that time I was disenchanted with the idea of being in a relationship. But the twisted part is, if I was interested in someone I wasn’t having sex with him, he had to wait but I would have, you know, a boy toy on the side. But now that I’m over that phase of my life I can admit it got boring and lonely! That’s nothing I care to revisit but, hey, it makes me who I am today. – Raquel, 28

Okay, take a man, and let’s say he’s fairly good-looking, has a job and a car and money … now add the power of choice. Unfortunately, men who have direction and a plan in life, regardless of how big or small their fortune are no good. Men who have a variety of options – even the scrubs – are in drill mode. Not strings attached, no catching feelings, just sex with as many women as possible. Now that I’m older, I see it’s destructive and, frankly, it gets old fast. You start to feel empty and like a … like a sex machine! Then you’re really messed up because you don’t what you want when decide to give up on that lifestyle. I think it’s called ‘rock bottom.’ Uh, it’s not the best thing to do, in my opinion, but it’s how we’re wired. – Jamal, 32

I can’t do it. I don’t even try to convince myself otherwise. I was a wreck when I broke up with my last boyfriend of four years and I was like, ‘you know what? I’m going to get all dressed up and go out and have a one night stand,’ thinking it would help me get over him. Because Lord knows, he was out doing his thing with other women if he wasn’t to begin with, you know? So I was like, ‘I’m gonna do it too,’ like an in your face type of attitude, but I just couldn’t do it. Deep down I know I can’t separate them. I’m not the casual sex kind of girl because if he doesn’t call me back, I need answers or I’m getting revenge. – Marcia, 27

Leave your thoughts in the thread.

Have a wonderful weekend! And please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

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Comments

  • bobo

    Meet genuine successful, independent men who want to share their success and wealth with an attractive, sophisticated lady at S e e k i n g A f f l u e n t c O m

  • Caramel Cat™

    When I was casually dating I had to get good at this. I got tired of being all messed up over a nucca so I got good at not really caring…those were the boy toys on the side while I had my full attention on the one I loved (who was cheating on me) …. 😆

    lol! ahhh, those days! GLAD THEY ARE OVER!

    men have made us this way I tell ya!

  • B3 Fearless

    @Daywalker

    No boo females only do that stuff to the guys who didn’t let them know what it was about from jump street.

    I mean you have some crazy females just like you have crazy men, but those type of reactions usually are a result of a guy sweet talking the female and the girl either being naive, dumb or too caught up to not believe the words the guy is telling her and instead focus on how he was treating her like a c.u.m bucket.

    If it’s NSA – usually women don’t react that way either.

  • cruzan trini

    @ B3 Fearless

    Your comment was not up yet when I was posting, but you hit the nail on the head!

  • MochaLove

    Hey @B3 and Choco! How are you ladies, doing this lovely Friday?

    Heeeeeey @Daywalker – gotta tell you. In your comment I think you missed the key words “almost” and “as if” I only defend because I tried to separate the two….unsuccessfully so. But I think all women in this day and age have had to find a way to combat their emotions when they’re dealing with a man that is no way attached or pretending to be. It’s heartbreaking and it does do a 1, 2 to our pride.

    I can relate to some of the girls above because I’ve been there. It just doesn’t work for me so I choose not to engage in casual flings. I catch feelings.

  • B3 Fearless

    Hey MochaLove & Angel

  • Angel(formerly UrHeiness)

    @B3fearless: Hello there 🙂

    Hope you enjoy your wknd!

  • B3 Fearless

    Caramel Cat™
    4/23/10, 14:32:pm
    When I was casually dating I had to get good at this. I got tired of being all messed up over a nucca so I got good at not really caring…those were the boy toys on the side while I had my full attention on the one I loved (who was cheating on me) ….

    lol! ahhh, those days! GLAD THEY ARE OVER!

    men have made us this way I tell ya!
    *************************************

    Lol

  • B3 Fearless

    u 2 Angel!

    I know I saw Choco somewhere. Hey 2 u 2 girl!

  • MochaLove

    @B3 – hey boo! Stay strong lady! Stay strong and hang in there. It’s tough but if you catch feelings too, it gets messy. Especially when you break your own rules. Not only are you beating yourself up for falling victim to your needs, your emotions are all out of sorts. Speaking from experience…sadly. 😦

  • DAYWALKER(THE DAYDREAM!!!)

    Heyyy, Mocha! How you been, hun? 😉

  • MochaLove

    @Daywalker – LMAO

    but why ya gotta take it out on my damn CD collection, my p.o.r.n.o collection(Magazines and tapes) or my PS3?? A slap in the face I can take, but destroyin my hard as hell to find “No Face” cd Starring “Ed Lover” on back up?? My TERMINATOR X in THE VALLEY OF THE JEEP BEATS?? That’s just dirty pool, missy!!
    _____________________________________

    Women do these things because they’re hurt! I’ve never destroyed anyone’s property but I know us and when we can’t hook you enough to emote…even just a little, it’s war! We want attention or a reaction. It doesn’t matter if it’s good, bad or indifferent at that point as long as it’s reactionary on our behalf. Make sense?

  • B3 Fearless

    @Daywalker

    And I can respect that…I really can, but why ya gotta take it out on my damn CD collection, my p.o.r.n.o collection(Magazines and tapes) or my PS3?? A SLAP IN THE FACE I CAN TAKE, but destroyin my hard as hell to find “No Face” cd Starring “Ed Lover” on back up?? My TERMINATOR X in THE VALLEY OF THE JEEP BEATS?? That’s just dirty pool, missy!!
    **********************************

    Boy you just answered your own question. When a female feels she has been played she tries to hurt you so you can feel how she feels. You said yourself you will take a slap and keep it moving. You’re not bothered by it, but you will get emotional about your CD, PS3, car, p.o.r.n, etc.

    I’m not saying it’s right but you know how we try to punish y’all sometimes no matter how wrong or immature it may be.

    But REALLY think about what you did to those women who did that to you?

    Did you let them know what it was about in the beginning or did you make them believe there was something more? Think about the language you used.

    Or, were they all str8 coo coo 4 cocoa puffs?!

  • http:chokolatemilk.blogspot.com Choco

    Hey Mocha, B3, Day and Angel and Lil Miss if you commented..

    Good Friday to you all I’m so sleepy today and can not wait to get OFF work!

  • B3 Fearless

    @MochaLove

    You know what’s funny each time that I’ve wanted to succumb to those feelings God does something that makes it so it can’t happen.

    For example I had actually made plans to hook up with my ex in the beginning of April but then had to cancel cuz I had to sing on the choir every day for Holy Week at my church.

    Then yesterday I had txtd this other guy to schedule a hook up for next Fri and I looked at my schedule and saw that I had promised a co-worker that I would go to her church’s Youth Rally. So…you know the deal.

  • Damn its Friday Yes lawd.......

    Glad I’ve never had the problems of most…..

  • B3'S puzzy

    Bytch, dont listen to mocha! It’ been 5 long months and you know how much we need to be plugged on the regular? Now do what you do best and make that dial-a-dyck phone call.

  • MochaLove

    @B3 – seeeeee. There it is.

    @B3’s….. – RUDE. And a weird attempt to be funny. *black stare*

  • B3 Fearless

    @A true straight man

    Question: Are you dating the same type of women? I’m not talking about the things she has, but if you look at the mentality of the women you get with do they all tend to be the same?

    Keep searching because not all of us are like that.

  • Observer

    *genuinely love a woman for who she is

  • Observer

    Hey Caramel Cat!

  • Caramel Cat™

    Hey Observer!

  • MochaLove

    @Daywalker – I’m movin soon myself. YUK!!! While I would love to pay movers… I don’t trust them with my precious relics 🙂

    I totally explained why your CD collection got busted in the midst of craziness. Please reference!

  • Angel(formerly UrHeiness)

    @CHOCO:Hey there missy 🙂

    Enjoy your wknd!!

  • Observer

    @Daywalker

    That is true for some women liking bad boys. My best friend is white and she loves men who look like rock stars, like in heavy metal bands. Some of the men she goes out with are nice guys but I think she could do better……That still does not make my statement up top untrue though. You get back what you put out… If you treated people badly and mislead them, it will almost always happen to you. Its called karma….You know people reap what they sow and it could come a month or a year later….How are you?

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