Dear Bossip: She Needs to Move On

- By Bossip Staff

Bossip I have a major problem. Well I’ve been with my man for about a year and change and he has a girl who’s 6 and a 4 year old boy with his baby mama. They were engaged and she called off the wedding because she felt like he wasn’t ready to settle down. For a long time I though he was still in love with her but the more time we spent together and got to know each other the more I realized his feelings for me were true and now my feeling for him are stronger!!! Well now that she knows we’re serious the baby mama is getting in the way. I think she starts sh*t with him just because she knows she upsets him easily. She fusses at him because she thinks the time we spend together with his kids is not quality enough because I’m always around but I get along with them and they are good kids. How do I let his baby mama know that losing him was her loss, she needs to move on with her life and I’m not going nowhere because I’m to a point where if we meet it’s going to be hard for me not to be nasty to her because I already don’t like her. Your advice would be appreciated.

Yours Truly,
“The New Girl”

Good day to you, “new girl!” Thank you for writing in and sharing. So let’s get this straight, you have never met the mother of your boyfriend’s children and you don’t like her why? It doesn’t have to be like that at all. In fact, it shouldn’t be. First and foremost, if your relationship with this man is that serious then the children need to see, as in witness, the three of you working together to make sure they’re always comfortable. The extra tension in an already sensitive situation is unnecessary. Put yourself in the kid’s shoes, although it wasn’t mentioned, let’s assume they lived as a family before the engagement was called off. They once knew a life with both parents who are now no longer together and, yes, they’ll eventually adjust but are you helping or hurting the situation? Ask yourself and answer honestly. Since you’re all adults, there’s really no reason why you all can’t work together to make sure the transitions from Mom’s to Dad’s house are peaceful and amicable . . . for the sake of the kids, man.

Your “man” should’ve been man enough to introduce you to his ex before you began spending extended amounts of time with the kids they share. That way he could’ve set the tone of how he would like the three of you to interact! Are you sure the issue is not that she has a problem with her kids under the care of, virtually, a complete stranger? Would you trust your children with a stranger? Wouldn’t you be a bit concerned? If, God forbid, there’s an emergency with the kid’s father while you’re all together, would you know how to reach her or even recognize her if you had to? Would she know how to contact you if need be? You should, at very least, know each other’s faces and establish an open line of communication . . . for the sake of the kids man! It doesn’t have to be this way! While you’re busy trying to let her know that you’re “not going nowhere” the truth of the matter is, SHE’S not going anywhere! Seriously, she’s got the man’s kids full-time. If you haven’t already, insist on meeting her and if you’re in it to win it, you’re going to have to deal with her in some form or fashion. Tell her that you’ve enjoyed getting to know the babies and whatever you can do to support the relationship between your “man” and his kids you’ll do it, even if that means giving them space and time to bond. Somebody’s got to man up and he might appreciate you taking the wheel without drama and rancor. If you’ve already tried to reach out and she’s rejected your advances then he has to be the one to bridge the gap. That’s his battle with her that he’ll have to resolve, you have absolutely nothing to do with it until it’s time to come together for the kids.

You cannot continue to feed into the idea that the exchanges between you and the children’s mother has to be “nasty.” With a more positive attitude the two of you might end up getting along, which would be ideal. If you continue on this way, the situation is going to grow ugly but if you can avoid it by being the bigger person, why not? This whole “baby mama drama” bit is for the birds! The three of you must remember that you’re setting an example so put the children first at all times and be responsible, civil adults . . .once again, for the sake of the kids!

What do you think Bossip Readers?

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  • that damn sh#$ disturber

    so happy i don’t have to deal with that. but yeah if i was to date i would prefer one without kids. but that’s rare…

  • Koolatta

    Another problem solved, everyone needs a little help and advice.

    Reminds me of a brand new show “Case Work”

  • Kristina

    I always told myself I would never date a man with kids, but my fiance has a two year old son. His son’s mom has never been a problem because he made it clear with her from the beginning that they were over, there’s no chance of getting back together and for her not to use the son as a pawn to get what she wanted. He basically put his foot down early on and she got the message, so I don’t have to deal with the baby mama drama luckily. I think it’s his responsibility to talk to his kids mom and let her know, not the woman.


    I think everybody should do whats fits betta for them….every situation is different.

  • http://* Kristina

    Let me re-phrase that last part. I think his kids mom will listen to him more than the girlfriend so he should take it upon himself to ease things among the 3 of them, but there are steps the girlfriend can take to make things right also.


    she never met the chick what? She really need to grow up and act like an adult its about the kids not her or even him. She soo stuck on ” oh this my man and I am not going no where” she need to calm down because baby moms dont even want him if she did she would have married dude. She busy trying to mark her territory and she just need to be mature about the situation

  • Slide Like a Fresh Pair of Gators

    I always told myself I would never date a man with kids, but my fiance has a two year old son.


    Sis, what happened and you changed your mind about that???

  • Gimmeabreak78

    This is why I avoid men with “baby mamas” like the plague. SMH.

  • Kristina

    @Slide. Yeah I changed my mind. I just never wanted to deal with baby mama drama and I was always weary of a man who would have kids with a woman and not marry them, but I realized each situation is different, such as this one where the dude actually wanted to marry his kids mom. My fiance does a great job of balancing his time between his son and I, most times the 3 of us all spend time together so it’s worked out nicely.

  • We "Blacks" Are The REAL Hebrew Israelites

    I’ve never dated someone with a child. For this reason. S/he will ALWAYS be in their life some way/shape/form.

    ..and I don’t like to share.

  • B3 Fearless

    Two other points I would like to add are:

    1. How can the writer of the post not like the baby mama and she has never met her?

    Answer: Because of what the father has said to her which leads me to the point of…

    Parents STOP badmouthing & complaining about the person YOU made the decision to sleep with and have a child by. Even if a pregnancy wasn’t planned. Y’all need to still be cordial towards each other and figure out how to communicate because like it or not y’all are connected for the next 18 years at a minimum!

  • lani3000


    BM IS SUPER JEALOUS! Yeah , its her kids but she shoulda thought of that before SHE LEFT HIM!

  • Eddy

    Dating a person with kids is for the birds! Too much drama!

  • MochaLove

    Heeeeeeey@B3!! 😀

    Been lurking for days now but this is too much this letter!!! I’ve dated men with children and I don’t meet the kids unless I can meet the mom!!! That’s just out of respect for her! I never want any child to feel like I’m trying to replace his/her mother! As a mother myself, it’s like a mama bear and her cubs. Don’t mess with them and intruders will be devoured!!

    And who is this chick to tell a grown woman what she “needs to do” with her life when she has the kids all the time. See….she could get it from me with that mess right there!!! Who wants to deal with that?? She sounds real childish!

  • resurrected

    The relationship part is different but as far as being a parent and having children she will always have the biggest say so when it comes to her children maybe not in his household but just in general… This is one reason why I would like to get married Fk that babymomma things I would rather have a family because the after effect it way too much drama.. It is also the reason why I am waiting to have children right now, I don’t want too or refuse to get all caught up in the moment for a nicca I would rather be building a family…

  • MochaLove

    And another thing….ol’ boy is slippin’. Why doesn’t he have this under control and peaceable yet?? It’s been a year!!

  • I don't date Black Americans

    The FIRST MISTAKE was getting involved with someone who has a baby mama, so of course this affair was going to be spiraling downward.


  • Kristina

    @B3, co-sign with everything you said.


    He’d better have mega millions for you to put up with that ish. “Trade that h*e in! Get urself a dime that’s how you do the damn thing”

  • B3 Fearless

    Heeeeeeeeey MochaLove!!!

    But see you acted that way because you have a child and understand where the BM is coming from.

    I don’t think the BM wants the writer’s man. I mean HELLO?! It’s been over a year. I think if the writer took the time to speak with the BM and looked at the situation she would see that.

    As a mom I look at this situation and think from the BM perspective.

    So if this was my ex & his gf have been together over a year, this woman is around my child A LOT, I don’t know what she’s like, what her criminal/mental background is. I would wonder how serious could this relationship be since I (as the BM) have not met her in over a year.

    It’s not a matter of wanting the ex but a matter of thinking about the future.

    If my ex was serious about a female then I know my ex would have introduced us because if he does decide to take things to the next level (ie. engagement/marriage) with her she would have to come by some time to pick up my child, or to his school activities, we would have to talk whether or when she would have the right to discipline our child, etc.

    We would all have to be on the same page as a united front thinking about the image we are projecting the child(ren).

    You know?

  • http://* Kristina

    @Slide, oh okay you wanna know what made me break my little rule. Honestly, I don’t know what made me give him a chance cuz he told me the first day we started talking that he had a son. And I’d already written him off. I didn’t dog him out or anything but he pursued me and told me he really liked me and to just try things out. I guess it was more of him being so persistant than me giving him a chance. And once I did, I saw it wasn’t that bad.

  • B3 Fearless

    *to the child(ren).

  • Damn its Friday Yes lawd.......

    Old boy needs to check the baby momma number one and number two am I hearing sistas say they neva date men with kids????. I guess single mothers should just sit they a$$es down somewhere since having kids makes you undesireable. The older you get damn near everyone has kids so if your criteria is no kids your pickings gets even slimmer……

  • B3 Fearless

    Awww Kristina that’s sweet!

    How long did you 2 date b4 you all got engaged, if you don’t mind me asking?

  • Matix B

    Right! Children are a blessing. Don’t pass up on a man just because he has kids. You never know you might be passing up on the love of your life.

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