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Hello there, I wanted to know if you would post my story as a self-imposed penance of some kind. I am 28 years-old and I’m been fortunate to have been blessed with a well paying career and decent lifestyle. I’ve been seriously dating a man that I consider my equal for the last 2 years or so and we’ve been talking about marriage for the last few months. I was extremely excited by taking the leap with him but we both need to pay off a few debts and get things straight financially before we can start building our nest egg. We’re both very “by the book” this way. A few months ago, my former boyfriend from college emailed me and told me he was moving back to my city. I wasn’t all the ay sure why he suddenly reached out but I didn’t think much of it. Well, about a month ago, he moved here and he offered to take me to lunch and I went. I can’t say that I felt any emotional connection like people who used to date feel after they become reacquainted but the attraction was still there. Over lunch he asked me to come check out this new place sometime and I held off for a few days until he called and said he just wanted my company. I knew what that meant when he said that and still, I went. We ended up having great sex, like we always did in the past and now it’s even better! So much so that I’ve been to see him four times since the first incident. The worst part of it is, I feel no guilt, I have no remorse and if he called me right now to come over, I would. I love the man in my life and have no feelings whatsoever for the man I sleep with. I’m smart enough to know that these things catch up to the slickest of cheaters and I know I can’t do this forever but is it wrong that I want to continue this affair? I’ve been faithful to him up until this point and I’m surprised at myself and selfishness. He would be crushed if he ever found out and I don’t want to hurt him but I really wish I could just turn off my attraction to my ex. I’m at a crossroad and really wondering if I’m making the right choice by getting marriage serious with my boyfriend or do I need to be single?

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing! You’ve got yourself in quite the sticky situation, no? So here you have this guy that you’ve been planning a future with for two years and your level of commitment is under the microscope because you’ve been sleeping with your ex. This is a classic example of ruining a good thing for, virtually, nothing – a man you “have no feelings whatsoever” for. Meanwhile, you have a partner who matches your standards and because you’ve been sexing up your ex, you’re not even sure if you’re moving in the right direction in terms of your inevitable engagement! Why the sudden change of heart? Were you thinking along those lines at all before this man returned to your life? Are you wishing you had left well enough alone yet?

Here’s the upside though, better sooner than later, right? Good thing you didn’t wait until you two got engaged or married to call your own sincerity into question. Since you’ve been sleeping with homeboy without an ounce of regret, it may be safe to say that you’re either not ready to spend the rest of your life with anyone just yet or you’re just not planning to spend the rest of your life with the right person. If you’re in a relationship with someone you love then it would hurt you to know that you’ve done something that would hurt them. It shouldn’t sit right in your psyche knowing you’ve repeatedly violated the terms of your coupledom and would willingly do it again! Ask yourself and answer honestly, do you really love this man enough to marry and build your “nest egg” with him or are you just going through the motions? Do you really not feel the least bit guilty about cheating or is bailing just an easy way out because, in reality, you can’t live a lie? Hence, your cries for “self-imposed penance.” Do you really want to be single or are you secretly wanting to try again with your ex? Be honest.

You should definitely take some time to figure out what you really want at this point but remember there’s a man that is wanting to be your partner for life whose time, finances and feelings (all of which you can’t get back) are invested in a future with you! Don’t horde a good man for your own selfish reasons. If you don’t want him, set him free. There’s plenty of women who would appreciate a progressive, goal- oriented man who’s seeking marriage and planning for the future. And as for your affair with your ex, just keep in mind that situations like these tend to fizzle out just as quickly as they heated up. Be a good woman to a good man, sis, and do the right thing. Only you know what this is. Good luck to you!

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