Dear Bossip: I Cheated . . . and I Have No Remorse

- By Bossip Staff

Hello there, I wanted to know if you would post my story as a self-imposed penance of some kind. I am 28 years-old and I’m been fortunate to have been blessed with a well paying career and decent lifestyle. I’ve been seriously dating a man that I consider my equal for the last 2 years or so and we’ve been talking about marriage for the last few months. I was extremely excited by taking the leap with him but we both need to pay off a few debts and get things straight financially before we can start building our nest egg. We’re both very “by the book” this way. A few months ago, my former boyfriend from college emailed me and told me he was moving back to my city. I wasn’t all the ay sure why he suddenly reached out but I didn’t think much of it. Well, about a month ago, he moved here and he offered to take me to lunch and I went. I can’t say that I felt any emotional connection like people who used to date feel after they become reacquainted but the attraction was still there. Over lunch he asked me to come check out this new place sometime and I held off for a few days until he called and said he just wanted my company. I knew what that meant when he said that and still, I went. We ended up having great sex, like we always did in the past and now it’s even better! So much so that I’ve been to see him four times since the first incident. The worst part of it is, I feel no guilt, I have no remorse and if he called me right now to come over, I would. I love the man in my life and have no feelings whatsoever for the man I sleep with. I’m smart enough to know that these things catch up to the slickest of cheaters and I know I can’t do this forever but is it wrong that I want to continue this affair? I’ve been faithful to him up until this point and I’m surprised at myself and selfishness. He would be crushed if he ever found out and I don’t want to hurt him but I really wish I could just turn off my attraction to my ex. I’m at a crossroad and really wondering if I’m making the right choice by getting marriage serious with my boyfriend or do I need to be single?

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing! You’ve got yourself in quite the sticky situation, no? So here you have this guy that you’ve been planning a future with for two years and your level of commitment is under the microscope because you’ve been sleeping with your ex. This is a classic example of ruining a good thing for, virtually, nothing – a man you “have no feelings whatsoever” for. Meanwhile, you have a partner who matches your standards and because you’ve been sexing up your ex, you’re not even sure if you’re moving in the right direction in terms of your inevitable engagement! Why the sudden change of heart? Were you thinking along those lines at all before this man returned to your life? Are you wishing you had left well enough alone yet?

Here’s the upside though, better sooner than later, right? Good thing you didn’t wait until you two got engaged or married to call your own sincerity into question. Since you’ve been sleeping with homeboy without an ounce of regret, it may be safe to say that you’re either not ready to spend the rest of your life with anyone just yet or you’re just not planning to spend the rest of your life with the right person. If you’re in a relationship with someone you love then it would hurt you to know that you’ve done something that would hurt them. It shouldn’t sit right in your psyche knowing you’ve repeatedly violated the terms of your coupledom and would willingly do it again! Ask yourself and answer honestly, do you really love this man enough to marry and build your “nest egg” with him or are you just going through the motions? Do you really not feel the least bit guilty about cheating or is bailing just an easy way out because, in reality, you can’t live a lie? Hence, your cries for “self-imposed penance.” Do you really want to be single or are you secretly wanting to try again with your ex? Be honest.

You should definitely take some time to figure out what you really want at this point but remember there’s a man that is wanting to be your partner for life whose time, finances and feelings (all of which you can’t get back) are invested in a future with you! Don’t horde a good man for your own selfish reasons. If you don’t want him, set him free. There’s plenty of women who would appreciate a progressive, goal- oriented man who’s seeking marriage and planning for the future. And as for your affair with your ex, just keep in mind that situations like these tend to fizzle out just as quickly as they heated up. Be a good woman to a good man, sis, and do the right thing. Only you know what this is. Good luck to you!

What do you think Bossip Readers?

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  • Cantria

    homegirl is definetly not marriage material & needs an STD/HIV test ASAP!

  • tt



    she’s not heartless, she just knows how 2 disconnect her emotions from her P***Y!!! SIMPLE!!! she already knows she loves her man, but her cooch has a thing 4 the ex’s ‘thing’!!! lol

    the only issue is….u might wanna re-evaluate this marriage thing is ur ‘kitty’ still feels the need 2 stray!!!!!

  • tasha

    i think you definetly shouldn’t take the steps to marriage at this point,if you are serious about being with your current boyfriend i think you should be real enough to sit down with this man and let him know what’s up, if you truly want to make it work, or if you want to be with this man, married and you truly do love him, cut it off with the ex,and be faithful to what you really want..but whatever you do you need to be honest with yourself.

  • Just Sayin

    Most women say that guys don’t want to get married, and you go and find one that does and you lit-tra-lee SCREWED it up!

    These type of actions say a lot about a person’s character and will power.

    My advice:

    Start with dat woman in da mirror.
    Ask her to change her ways.
    No message coulda been any clearer.
    If you wanna make a relationship work today.
    You gotta look at youself and make dat change….
    Na Na Na…, Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na……….
    It’s gonna feel real good, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah….

    Heeee Heeeeee !


  • I Am Legend

    thats why I dont mess wit W.H.O.R.E.S………..I hope she gets AIDS

  • MistaO

    Another in a long line of w.h.o.r.e.s who then once they loose the so called “good man” will sit and cry about how there are “no good men out here” today.

    Who cares, this broad just a stupid fool who no real man needs to try and marry. You’d be crazy to marry many of these broads out here today. They been around way too much…

  • Phoenix

    This is not your self-imposed pennance because it just so wrong what shes doing about it.

    Nothing about this situation has an upside or a “better sooner than later”. I feel for her boyfriend, he’s trying to pay off his debts, thinking everything is going well and she’s creepin’ around to the ex’s bed.

    I think she loves the IDEA of getting married, the kids, the “white picket fence life” But, this is one woman who really needs to not be in a relationship at all. What a waste…

  • I Am Legend

    I bet the majority of black women who come in here and post will defend this s.l.u.t and blame the man for “not doing his job”

  • I Am Legend

    This is the reason black men (like myself) date outside their race….Now when this dude finds out she cheatin and he leaves her and then the dude she cheatin wit tells her he dont wanna be wit her its just sex..She gonna say how the black man did her wrong…..Once a s.l.u.t always a s.l.u.t

  • LaDiva

    Ummm if u have no remorse, then what is the point of this bs letter…..idiots..

  • I Am Legend

    All W.H.O.R.E.S think like this

  • B3 Fearless

    All this story shows is that she is just not ready for marriage!

    It is telling that when she describes her fiance and their engagement she sounds like she is going through the motions, doing what is practical. Like she’s doing what society tells her she is SUPPOSED to do versus something she actually WANTS to do.

    She calls her fiance her equal and describes both of them to be “by the book.”

    Which also makes me think she’s probably bored with the relationship as well and while she cares for her fiance or has “love” for him she is not IN LOVE with him.

    Real love is sacrificial, forgetting about your needs and thinking about what’s best for you and your partner as a couple. Not doing something that you know will hurt them because by hurting them you hurt yourself and weaken the bond.

    And if this affair is what she is choosing to do while they are engaged, how does she expect to go through the life time commitment of marriage?

  • Aphatty

    The same people calling her names would high five their male best friend for gettig down with multiple tricks. The double standards that men preach are amazing to me.

  • JODY


    Dst was a joke.

    im not surprised sisters been fuking around on brother since for evea dudes just not as slick we tend to give in and come clean but women dont and by the time you now it you raiseing Pookie and ray-rays baby WIT NO CLUE.

    And yall wonder why 70% OF YALL AZZEZ IS SINGLE!!!!!!!!!

  • JODY

    And you wanna get mad at silmg thug for wifying a white girl!!!!!

  • Caramel Cat™

    it’s pretty obvious that homegirl is NOT marriage material…she needs to let her man go so he can actually be APPRECIATED by a decent woman…unlike herself…

  • JODY

    Im waiting for all the Bottom feeding women talking about some men do it 2.

  • sarah cowen

    I did the same thing with an ex before i got married. Here’s my advice…., you have to cut it off. I think you may be insecure with yourself, as i was. Life changing decisions like marriage is very scary. Sometimes we have to look back over our life, childhood and all and start to heal within. Hurt people go on to hurt other people. Go get some counseling to find out why you can’t love yourself enough to control your impulses for this guy. This guy is the past your BF is your future. Maybe you just be afraid of the unknown aka the future. Cheating is always wrong. I learned it is a true character flaw. Go To Counseling! So you can be the best you.

  • Be Smart

    Being married or not will not stop you for being attracted to another person. It is what you do with the attraction.

    I have been married to a great guy for 5 years but that does not mean I am not attracted to other men. The difference is I know what I got and I would not do anything to mess it up.

    If you feel no remorse then you do not really love your boyfriend as much as you claim

  • WTF

    @JODY: Right… These are always the women that come out of the woodwork singing the same ole tired song. Women….BE WOMEN! Don’t try to be men and then claim femininity.

  • WTF

    @Sweet Little Me: Spoken like a true man….errr woman….sorry

    Exactly what I’m talking about. Women have seriously lost their feminine and pure nature. Women back in the day were looked upon as so beautiful and pure. Hell if you had a virgin, you were considered king… Nowadays you lucky to find a woman that ain’t slept with a basketball teams worth a ni99as before she turn 21

  • Clarkekent3000

    Well I guess now thats 2 years of the boyfriend’s life that he’ll never get back.

  • !@#$%^&*(!)

    Just look before you LEAP. Like the response said just consider if this is the person you want to spend your life with and have children with.

  • B3 Fearless

    @Just Sayin

    Lol @ u for quoting MJ

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