Dear Bossip: Older Woman, Younger Man and His Brother

- By Bossip Staff

Dear bossip,

I’m just about at my wits end on this subject so I thought I would check in with you on my issue. 

I am a 30 year old woman dating a 24 year old boy. At the beginning, it was all good because he was my needed distraction to help me get over my ex. With that said, I settled with him lacking a car, his own place and limited income. During this time and currently, I had my own car, home and holding down a full and part time job. 

After about 3 months, he moved in and shortly after, so did his brother. I provide all food and personal items because I use coupons and gift cards. They both pay bills and chip in on the rent totaling about 500 a month which covers roughly half of everything. They also do housework and whatnot.

I also have a teenage son and I am trying to set the best possible example for. With that said, they smoke and I don’t. My boyfriend also has anger issues where he punches the wall or constantly argues. It also seems most times, if it doesn’t benefit him, he won’t do it.  Recently their mother passed on and I feel like I’m taking over her role. I contantly have to tell them right from wrong. Remind them how a woman is to be treated and in general how to conduct themselves. I have to take him and his brother everywhere they go and more often than not, I find myself treating them like children. 

So I guess what I’m trying to find out is, if its possible to date someone so much younger than u thats lacking drive and basic common sense.

Please help,

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing. Oh dear, where do we begin with this one? Let’s start with the child since they should always come first. You moved two men in your home with you and your teenage son but you’re trying to set “the best possible example” for him, however, your example is not a good one for this young man. You said nothing about how he’s been affected by this move you’ve made. Let’s fast forward ten years or so. How would you feel if your son, as a grown man, was unable to provide for himself, had no car, lacked the drive to succeed and felt comfortable enough to reside with a woman bringing very little to the table while she’s breaking her back with two jobs trying to make ends meet? Heartbreaking, right? And you would have nothing other than your example to blame. Please, please, please realize you’re raising somebody’s future husband and father! You want him to be the man you wish you had, not the men you’ve moved in. Allowing your boyfriend and his brother to move into your home does not display an ounce of sound decision making on your part and your son, unfortunately, will suffer the consequence of your actions. That whole “do as I say and not as I do, child” approach holds zero merit in today’s world, lead by your actions.

As far as your boyfriend and his brother are concerned . . . you gotta get them out, sis! Stat! This living arrangement is problematic for a number of reasons. It sounds like they don’t work steady jobs and are they are both reliant on you for food, shelter and transportation. Not good. A man of principle would not be, in any way, content with moving in with you and your son and you carting him and his brother around to wherever he needs to go. You said they’re smokers and you’re not but what are they smoking? Cigarettes, trees or both? If it’s the latter, they’ve now exposed your son to that foolishness and he possibly has access to substances that could land him in loads of trouble. Is it worth it? Your boyfriend has tantrums – hollering and punching inanimate objects? That’s ridiculous and a far cry from exemplary behavior and not to mention disrespectful! If nothing else, he should respect your house enough to not smoke in it and take his fits of rage to the streets. He’ll only go as far as you allow and so far, you’ve set no boundaries. And his brother? Ugh. Get them out, sis! They could get a place together and make it work but not on your watch and wallet!

All in all, this situation doesn’t show a great deal of potential for growth if you’ve all but taken the place of their mother-having to tell them what’s right and wrong when you could be pouring all of that energy into the one person that deserves it most and that’s your son. The time you spend driving them around you could be spending with your son . . . going to museums, taking weekend road trips, volunteering at his school or with his sports leagues. Your time is an investment so make better use of it, sis! Love yourself enough to not settle for a man who can do nothing for you and your son in the grand scheme of things and you would be setting an example. True, you need to live and have a life outside of being a mother but some things can wait, it’s all sacrifice. Do the right thing for your son, sis! Do the right thing. Hope this helps and good luck to you.

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