Dear Bossip: Older Woman, Younger Man and His Brother

- By Bossip Staff

Dear bossip,

I’m just about at my wits end on this subject so I thought I would check in with you on my issue. 

I am a 30 year old woman dating a 24 year old boy. At the beginning, it was all good because he was my needed distraction to help me get over my ex. With that said, I settled with him lacking a car, his own place and limited income. During this time and currently, I had my own car, home and holding down a full and part time job. 

After about 3 months, he moved in and shortly after, so did his brother. I provide all food and personal items because I use coupons and gift cards. They both pay bills and chip in on the rent totaling about 500 a month which covers roughly half of everything. They also do housework and whatnot.

I also have a teenage son and I am trying to set the best possible example for. With that said, they smoke and I don’t. My boyfriend also has anger issues where he punches the wall or constantly argues. It also seems most times, if it doesn’t benefit him, he won’t do it.  Recently their mother passed on and I feel like I’m taking over her role. I contantly have to tell them right from wrong. Remind them how a woman is to be treated and in general how to conduct themselves. I have to take him and his brother everywhere they go and more often than not, I find myself treating them like children. 

So I guess what I’m trying to find out is, if its possible to date someone so much younger than u thats lacking drive and basic common sense.

Please help,

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing. Oh dear, where do we begin with this one? Let’s start with the child since they should always come first. You moved two men in your home with you and your teenage son but you’re trying to set “the best possible example” for him, however, your example is not a good one for this young man. You said nothing about how he’s been affected by this move you’ve made. Let’s fast forward ten years or so. How would you feel if your son, as a grown man, was unable to provide for himself, had no car, lacked the drive to succeed and felt comfortable enough to reside with a woman bringing very little to the table while she’s breaking her back with two jobs trying to make ends meet? Heartbreaking, right? And you would have nothing other than your example to blame. Please, please, please realize you’re raising somebody’s future husband and father! You want him to be the man you wish you had, not the men you’ve moved in. Allowing your boyfriend and his brother to move into your home does not display an ounce of sound decision making on your part and your son, unfortunately, will suffer the consequence of your actions. That whole “do as I say and not as I do, child” approach holds zero merit in today’s world, lead by your actions.

As far as your boyfriend and his brother are concerned . . . you gotta get them out, sis! Stat! This living arrangement is problematic for a number of reasons. It sounds like they don’t work steady jobs and are they are both reliant on you for food, shelter and transportation. Not good. A man of principle would not be, in any way, content with moving in with you and your son and you carting him and his brother around to wherever he needs to go. You said they’re smokers and you’re not but what are they smoking? Cigarettes, trees or both? If it’s the latter, they’ve now exposed your son to that foolishness and he possibly has access to substances that could land him in loads of trouble. Is it worth it? Your boyfriend has tantrums – hollering and punching inanimate objects? That’s ridiculous and a far cry from exemplary behavior and not to mention disrespectful! If nothing else, he should respect your house enough to not smoke in it and take his fits of rage to the streets. He’ll only go as far as you allow and so far, you’ve set no boundaries. And his brother? Ugh. Get them out, sis! They could get a place together and make it work but not on your watch and wallet!

All in all, this situation doesn’t show a great deal of potential for growth if you’ve all but taken the place of their mother-having to tell them what’s right and wrong when you could be pouring all of that energy into the one person that deserves it most and that’s your son. The time you spend driving them around you could be spending with your son . . . going to museums, taking weekend road trips, volunteering at his school or with his sports leagues. Your time is an investment so make better use of it, sis! Love yourself enough to not settle for a man who can do nothing for you and your son in the grand scheme of things and you would be setting an example. True, you need to live and have a life outside of being a mother but some things can wait, it’s all sacrifice. Do the right thing for your son, sis! Do the right thing. Hope this helps and good luck to you.

What are your thoughts, Bossip readers? Please discuss!

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  • B'Rae

    Bwaaahaaaaa. She must be kidding.

  • that damn sh#$ disturber

    another triflin fool…

  • anewme

    First clue…no car, no place of his own, and no money…it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Great job on bringing useless men around your child. This really gives him something to look forward to! She gets the DA (dumb azz) award of the year!

  • Nurse GiGi

    U need to redirect your energy on your son…..I feel so sorry for him.

  • Nurse GiGi


  • Nique(F*ck Bossip's confusing MTO layout!!!)

    She deserves 2 be treated as such. Obviously, she has low self esteem and her self respect is somewhere in space. No grown woman would tolerate this foolishness. What can we tell her that Im sure her friends havent already told her?? Trick find the father of ur child n stop trying to be Angelina Jolie!

  • Nique

    She deserves 2 be treated as such. Obviously, she has low self esteem and her self respect is somewhere in space. No grown woman would tolerate this foolishness. What can we tell her that Im sure her friends havent already told her?? Trick find the father of ur child n stop trying to be Angelina Jolie!!

  • blahm!

    It’s so funny how people are so quick to judge. Although I would not have chosen the choices and direction she took, I do understand being vulnerable, and simply not knowing any better. She just may be part of a cycle and she must break it because she is putting her son in that cycle. She is now really aware that she made a mistake, but what is most important is how she fixes this and learn and grow from this. MuchLuv

  • elaine11

    I strongly recommend ______ H o t B l a c k w h i t e * C 0 m ______ to you where I just found my interracial boyfriend! You know it is a great place to meet black men and beautiful women. What’s kind of relationship do you want? 😉

  • Baybaybay

    Hmmmm the boyfriend and his brother figured instead of hustlin out on the streets or getting a job it would be easier to hustle this single mother who works two jobs! I’m not gonna call her dumb because co dependant sick one sided relationships never start off that way it comes on subtle obviously the longer she allows this dysfunctional dynamic the more drama it will be to get them out what’s happening is a no more subtle but hostile takeover people who aren’t pulling their own weight feeling comfortable enough to invite another person to stay too and also feeling comfortable enough to throw tantrums and punch holes in the walls! There taking over her house. Now is the time to free you and your son from these parasites please do this: Give them a timeframe say ” You and your brother got 2 months to find another place to live you cannot live her anymore” now once that time nears and they don’t seem to be trying to leave bring it up again and on the timeframe you gave STICK TO IT don’t waver even if they say “I need alittle more time” say you had 60 days that was enough time if they get hostile call the police to help you get them out. In the future when dealing with a stray cat play with him never bring them home!

  • AnnKim

    This type of situation happens more than you know black women are so desperate for a bblack man they will put up with any and everything. This is foolish but it happens hopefully she will wise up and come to her senses

  • juliemango

    It is time for those two adopted dependents 2 move out!!!

  • Glok.... Good Golly Miss Molly!


  • Leethea Boisierre

    Damn I got people in my personal life in similar situations as this woman its ironic that now she is not a single mother of one but three! This is her fault there is no way in hell she should have invited them into her home I wonder how does her son feel? I wouldn’t be surprised if next when the boyfriend gets angry he won’t be punching walls he may take the next step punch her in which her son might try to help and get jumped by the boyfriend and his brother because those two grown men cannot care about her or her son to be using and taking advantage of her like this. Single women stop being so desperate and tolerating nonsense at least find a man that can handle his own business if he needs help or assistance give him the number to social services.

  • Kristina

    @missjane, we all know these letters are fake, taken from somewhere else and not actually sent…who would seriously ask for relationship advice from a site that is known for race baiting and constant grammar/spelling errors? Lol. But still, it’s fun to answer the question and see what others have to say about the topic.

  • Candice

    No job, no car, anger issues, still lived at home with his mama, smokes, lol sounds like your typical black man. That’s why I don’t even go there anymore. But my advice to you is get these two bum a.z.z. little boys out your house and get some self respect. You were so desperate for a man that you settled for a no good fool. Take care of your son and use more common sense before bringing worthless knee grows around him.


    @ Isis

    Yeah, this story is a lot more down to earth than some of the other shyt they post on here. But I still don’t trust that shyt (although it’s entertaining). Anyway, girl, is your friend crazy?! She’s movin’ out of HER own house?! I hope she’s at least puttin’ the house up for sale, since his a$$ is freeloadin’. What happened…did he threaten her, or somethin’?

  • http://urnotpdiddyloser 5'10" AKILLAH RICHARDS

    They act as if she’s 10-20 yrs older than him. @ candice: please dont start the black women vs black men nonsense.


    You see what I mean?When will some women stop thinking with their c#it?When a woman decides not to think with her god given brain,these are the kinds of guys she attracts.

  • LOLA

    What is wrong with women like her…if she had her son out of wedlock thats already a bad enough example…now shes teachin him to live with some1 your not married to?? I just don’t get it think wit ur head not ur just disgusted…talkin bout he got no common sense she clearly doesn’t either! Kick him out period and dnt b a punk about it!!!

  • Kreole King

    @Candice 7
    No job, no car, anger issues, still lived at home with his mama, smokes, lol sounds like your typical black man. That’s why I don’t even go there anymore.


    Funny, to me, it just sounds like a typical black woman’s choice to be with these types of men.

  • http://urnotpdiddyloser 5'10" AKILLAH RICHARDS

    She better let him hit in the late night and kick him out by morning. duh. get a room stupid!

  • Candice

    @Kreole King, whatever helps you sleep at night. I guess it would sound better for you to put it that way *shrugs*

  • Niasia

    um this lady is stupid…no car ok they can get totalled and so on and hard to just replace…but not having a place of his own. Big turn off! so no car, residence, or money…exactly why would you let a booty call move in with you?

  • Leethea Boisierre

    @Baybaybay. Girl you too nice aint no way in hell I will be so respectful to people using me see this is the perfect time to have some “hood nuccas” in your life : I have seen this situation many times before too but its never happened to me not because I’m so strong or so tough but because I have always been protected, I’m the only girl in my family I have 4 brothers and my brothers are hood nuccas so no leeching bum ever tried to even step to me.

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