Dear Bossip: I Hope My Wife Reads This

- By Bossip Staff

Bossip, Bossip. Can you help me? Prolly not but a n*gga needs to vent. I am a proud husband, father and provider. I’m everything my father wasn’t. I did not know him as a child. I know that I am blessed every time I pay my bills and kiss my kids goodnight. Just to give you an idea of the sacrifices I’ve made to make sure my family is straight how about this. I met my wife in college in South Carolina and we dated off and on and we lost touch after I graduated. Long story short we linked up through mutual friend a few years later and we ended up getting married 2 years later. Everything was cool and when we had our twins she said she wanted to be closer to her family. It just so happened that my job had a position available in New Jersey and I transferred so she could be closer to her family in New York. I hate it up here only because the cost of living is out of control but it’s what my wife wanted so we’re here. Three years later we had our third child and I couldn’t be a happier man to have 3 strong, young men in the making. In the beginning, she told me that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom once she had the kids and I supported that. I even picked up a part-time night job as door security to make that happen. It was the smart thing to do at the time because daycare for twins as infants would have been really expensive. Then by the time my youngest came along it was the same story. Well we’re in a recession. My youngest is now 5 and will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks but my wife is throwing me shade because I told her to get a job! I don’t care what it is, it could be part time but if she could just work so we could get our savings back in place and put whatever she makes in a college fund for the boys. Is that too much to ask? She hasn’t spoken to me in weeks because she says she needs time to recover from being bound to the children and that I’m asking too much. I think she’s full of sh*t and has gotten used to living the life of Suzy Homemaker. I’m not asking her to do it forever but just so we can save and take vacations without having to count every cent or play catch up when we get back. Apparently I’m asking too much but I thought that was the point of partnership. She ain’t talking to me and I don’t care cause I ain’t going nowhere and neither is she. She needs to get a job and I hope she reads this. Thank you.

Good day to you, sir! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story. Before anything else, hats off to you for being a stand-up man, husband and father! So you’ve been busting your b*lls to take care of your family and now you feel you deserve a little support from your wife. Are you being unreasonable? No, you’re not asking too much at all, however, pulling together as team is, perhaps, the hardest part of marriage for some. Regardless of your ideals and what you believe partnership should be, it’s clear the two of you aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on this one. But all hope is not lost! Your youngest son is going to school this year (which she might have a hard time coping with) and once he does, she won’t know what to do with herself! She will be so bored. It might be all the initiative she needs to seek and secure employment! You’re 10 steps ahead of her and she’ll probably arrive to the same conclusion once your son goes to school.

Another thing to consider, she’s been at home for quite some time now, she may be be feeling uncomfortable with the idea of returning to the workforce. She may not feel confident she will be a valuable asset to a working team. She might be frightened by the thought of failure or being fired or not being able to keep a schedule to where she can be home in time for the kids. With a little patience and open communication she might share what’s got her shaken up by the idea of being a working mom. You know her well enough to know the best approach to get the best response! Give her a tentative timeline, “hey baby, if you to do this, we can have this saved by this time and we can finally take that trip we’ve been talking about.” Paint a mental picture for her and let her know you’ll support her through this as well but it’s not an option at this time and you need her to have your back like you’ve had hers, period. If she can’t understand that, then you’ll have to decide your next move from there.

Since the both of you “ain’t going nowhere,” you will find a way to work it out and she’ll, more than likely, come around! Sounds like you’ve been living by the “happy wife, happy life” motto and you’re pretty much over it considering all you’ve invested and sacrificed to keep your family together and there is no doubt you deserve more support. But here’s the upside, your three little boys have witnessed you being a father and husband and the example and impression you’ve made, despite your upbringing, makes the future look a little less grim! What you’ve given to them is priceless! Hope this helps and good luck to you!

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

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Comments

  • 2Sweet

    Bytch needs to get a job. But she probably never will. Shouldn’t have waited 5+ yrs, home girl got extra comfy.

  • SlimCollins

    The kids are are now in school, she needs to get back into the workforce! She needs to look at it from the perspective of, that money will REALLY help the family.

  • Nu Nu

    “…but my wife is throwing me shade…” I didn’t know straight men used the word shade…

  • RMEs

    I commend the young man for taking care of his family and doing what he has to do. But I can’t imagine my grandfater ever asking my grandmother to get a job. Her job was to raise his kids and make sure his home and bills were in order. ( She was a bomb MOM CO-CEO of the family. I stayed home with my son while he was young as well.)I know that sounds old fashioned to a lot of young people in this day and age and perhaps it is. But I’m nostalgic for that type of man . I nor my mom, aunts or cousins (my grandparents had 4 girls) ever heard my grandfather complain about taking care of his family. He had the respect, love and devotion of the women and children in his family. He’s been gone for 5 years now and I do wonder if he is the last of the great ones. Sigh, I realize times have changed and it is hard to make it on one income but I urge young people to plan before you marry. If you can’t afford 2 kids don’t have 3 etc., forgo the huge house or SUV. It can be done. We just have to stop looking at what the next guy is doing. Again, I commend the young man. He is a stand up guy. But perhaps they could discuss moving to a less expensive part of the country. There are infinite ways to make this work. Now if she is just lazy, well, I don’t know what to say about that.

  • Tall Gyal

    I think that she should get a job, even if it is only part time. Depending on one income, no matter how large it is, is not the best idea right now.

  • tellndatruth

    SHE NEEDS TO BE UNDERSTANDING AND GET A JOB. MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT YOUR PART TIME JOB AND CUT DOWN SOME OF HER EXPENSES. SHE WILL RUN AND GET A JOB THEN..

  • Dr. Gavin

    My husband was in the same situation with his ex-wife. She had two little kids from a prior relationship when they met. After they married he offered her to stay home with the kids till they went to school. But when time came she refused saying she wanted to be involved in their school. Anyway eventually after 15 years of marriage this led to their divorce as he had to work more hrs to support her and the kids who are now in college. She felt that she was a single woman at home, but would not get a job to help him. She did not work for 2 yrs after the divorce because he was providing for her even though she was NOT awarded any alimony in the divorce settlement. Now she is bitter that he remarried and no longer supports her financially and she had to get a job.

  • Marquis de Sade

    Slide

    Now you should get a better appreciation on why it’s better to lease than buy. Marriage ain’t for the SANE! 😆

  • B3 Fearless

    @RME

    I hear where you are coming from sis, but I have to side with the point you acknowledged. These are different times.

    Plus it’s not like he’s asking her to get a full time job. He said he was ok with her just having a PART TIME job.

    She could easily drop the kids off at school in the morning, work as a secretary somewhere from 9 to 2 and be available for the kids in the afternoon, picking them up.

    Or she could work 3 days per week some where and work out a schedule with her husband for one of them to be available for the kids after school.

    Either way it is doable and doesn’t take away from her continuing to be a great mom and have time to spend with her kids and being available to them.

    If anyting getting him involved in some of the tasks she’s been handling all of these years may make him appreciate her even more and he could change his mind.

    I agree with your suggestion that maybe they could move some where with a cheaper COL, but he said himself that they are living where they are because that’s where she wanted to live to be closer to family.

    Then again maybe that would be a good conversation starter because maybe contrary to his belief she would be ok with moving if that would mean she could continue being a house wife.

  • LIFESDP

    It’s sad that women are always asking men to support them and then when they need a little assistance she reneges. When he could do it all by himself it appears that’s exactly what he did and now where is she. If he was working a job and half of another one then apparently he isn’t a basketball, baseball, golf pro, etc., etc. so get your azz a job. WTF…..I am just waiting for God to bless me with the man who wants a strong, unselfish woman to assist him with everyday life because I’m there baby. She’s plain selfish and obviously know he isn’t going anywhere but if he changed his mind then she would be willing to work the court system to get child and spousal support from him. Support him now and you hopefully won’t have to worry about if he will support you later. Don’t be stupid lady!

  • LaDiva

    This is what I’m talking about… Females need to get it together. We complain if a man isn’t doing his part, but we need to do our part as well. It’s called partnership. Don’t go crying when he leaves u after. Compromising is so essential in a relationship. And I know she would have resented his azz if things were reversed and she was the only breadwinner in the family.

  • msgonzo10

    I too hope this wife sees the light of day. It’s one thing if y’all are able to do what you want with just one income. It’s another story when the breadwinner is saying I need some help so our family can enjoy a better lifestyle. He’s asking her to get a PART-TIME job not take on a 60 hr work week. Hell, maybe she can show some initiative and do something web based. Here’s another thought . . . agree to move to South Carolina where the cost of living is much less than New Jersey. Bottomline she’s going to have to compromise with him one way or the other or there will be major problems down the line. If all three kids are in school, there’s no earthly reason why she can’t pick up a little side job where she’d have flexibility and still be able to bring some money into the cypher . . .

  • LOLA

    He seems like a good dad awwww…but omgg she needs to get a job!!!

  • http://logicvigilante.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/kanyewestentourage1.jpg Slide Like a Fresh Pair of Gators

    @Marquis de Sade

    LOL, you crazy…
    I STILL believe in the institution of marriage but I must admit you guys have had me do some thinking about it though… The viewpoints that I’ve seen expressed in addition to things that I’ve seen people go thru along with various stories from friends have really had me look at it in a different way…

    But hold up though and be honest with me – Have you EVER, ALMOST proposed or considered marrying one of the females that you’ve dated in the past or are currently dating??? What happened, you got cold feet???

  • Sage

    I am 29 years old and making great money. I want to have children but I do not want the drama it brings – concerning the mother of the child.

    I am seriously looking into getting a surrogate mother to carry my children.
    It will make my life a lot simpler if I do not include a woman with troglodytic behavior in the equation.

    I just want the kids, pay the surrogate a fee for her services and be on my way.
    I am going to get my lawyer to look into this arrangement – it is sure to cost me less in the long run.

  • deelucious

    There are always two sides to a story. But from reading the mans point of view here just now she needs to go get a job for real. Its not fair for him to be working all the time without her making any contributions financially when she is seemingly able to do so.

  • GG

    @ Sage, it sounds like you are scared of life. Just because some experience this, does not mean your life is destined to be the same. I think your kids deserve both parents, just be careful in who you intend to make your wife.

  • Glok9n!!

    WHO COULD YOU BLAME???

  • Marquis de Sade

    Slide

    Y’know, I came close years ago, but then I start thinkin’ bout the pro’s n’ con’s + (like you) started takin’ in consideration all my other friends who were either divorced or were currently in loveless and unhappy relationships, I decided the takd the path of least resistance and keep the (then) relationship the way it was: DATIN’, F*CKIN’ & LIVIN’ IN OUR SEPARATE S.P.A.C.E.S. until its’ expiration point. – NO HARM, NO FOUL.

  • Glok9n Check baby Check baby 1,2...!!!

    WHY MARRY WHEN YOU KNOW YOU GONNA FUK UP???

  • LOLA

    @ Marquis de Sade
    LOOOOOL

  • http://logicvigilante.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/kanyewestentourage1.jpg Slide Like a Fresh Pair of Gators

    I came close years ago
    ________________________________
    @Marquis de Sade

    What happened Playboy???

    How did she mess things up??? Tsk, tsk – she ALMOST had you…

    Oh yeah, was she a Sista or was it one those Asian or white women that you always be talking about…

  • Glok... Check baby Check baby 1,2...!!!

    ITS BET TO JUST FUK AND CALL IT A DAY!!

  • Love Me

    I’m a stay at home mom also.. For right now. Can’t wait to get back to work. Some men can do it some men can’t. Either way its always good to get help from the woman regardless of how much is being kicked in– its effort that count, when trying to help the family instead of just oneself. A month after the youngest is already in school & time shows that she just wants to be selfish & only thinks about herself, I would tell her to’ kick rocks’.

  • http://logicvigilante.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/kanyewestentourage1.jpg Slide Like a Fresh Pair of Gators

    @Glok9n

    Do you believe in the institution of marriage???

    and

    What would you do if this was your wife, how would of you handled this situation???

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