Dear Bossip, my issue is not quite as long or dramatic as the others I’ve read in recent weeks and I can appreciate your diplomacy when you respond. Hopefully my situation won’t require too much of your attention. I met this guy at a networking event for work and he didn’t really rock my world or anything. I thought he was funny and the potential for good conversation was there. My last relationship ended about this time last year and I took the time I felt was necessary to heal and kind of get used to the idea of dating again. This guy that I met was cool, not really my type and a little older. He’s 38 and I’m 31 and I normally date men a little closer to my age but I THOUGHT that since this guy was a closer to 40, he’d be more mature and take dating a little more seriously than most. Anyway he called me all the time and was very persistent in his pursuit and I finally decided to go out with him. Then I began to like him, even more than I was comfortable with. We saw each other frequently over the last few months and just when I thought I could really sink into it and soak it up, he starts acting shady. He stopped coming around and calling and his excuse is he’s busy and he’s just been tired. I’m like cool, I can tell when a man needs space and so I let it be thinking he would call eventually. It’s been 3 almost 4 weeks and I have yet to hear from him! Without going into detail, I thought we hit it off really well. Why do men do this, Bossip? Why? Should I even bother with him if comes back around?
Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! Ahh, so the whole scenario you’ve just described happens to the best of us–men and women alike. You meet someone, you get to know each other, you hit it off and just when you think it couldn’t get any better, it suddenly fails! The rhyme and reason remains the unknown variable. Then when you’re pretty much over it, the person resurfaces wanting to pick up right where you left off offering no explanation. Sigh, the woes of dating! The irony of it is, you happened to fall for the guy that you didn’t think you shared a connection with at first! Okay, so you can take it one of two ways: this could be a good thing because you now know that you can’t put too much stock in seeing something flourish between the two of you until you can trust and believe in a solid beginning with him all over again. Or, you can chalk it as a loss and move on with someone less flakey and walk away knowing a little more about what you’re willing to accept.
However, sis, the devil is in the details that you didn’t disclose, for sure! Just how “well” did you two “hit it off?” Were you readily available each and every time he called and wanted to see you? Did you give him an all-access pass to your world? Did you call relentlessly or say something to scare the man off? Did you give him the goods, ma? Maybe you had him wide open in a way that he was uncomfortable with. Regardless of what you might have said or done, if you did anything at all, to cause his disconnect, he should be man enough to tell you. People make time to do the things WANT to do so “busy” and “tired” are excuses he’s using until he’s ready or willing to explain his position . . . which may or may not happen. What you should decide, in the meantime, is if this is something you’re willing to make time for in your life. If you feel he’s worth your time and attention, let him know he gets a pass but you’re not to be toyed with and that your time is just as valuable as his, so don’t waste it. He’s in or he’s out, your life is not a revolving door! Be warned, beginning again is tough when trust has been broken and feelings have been hurt so be ready to work!
In his defense, he could, indeed, need some space. Sometimes people get so caught up in a seemingly sprouting romance that they slip or drop the ball in other areas of their lives. Maybe it’s his job that’s been neglected. Could be a project of some kind. In worse cases, it could be family members or children that have been affected. He may need some time to catch up, realign himself or refocus. Now, could he have communicated that to you? Sure. But, this is dating. There are going to be hiccups here and there, but they certainly shouldn’t last a month! Communication is key to all relationships and if he’s shut down this early in the game . . . what does that say? Should you even bother with him should he come back around, you ask? It’s all up to you but at least hear the man out!
Why do men do that, fellas? Please discuss in the thread!
Please remember to e-maill all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to firstname.lastname@example.org!