Dear Bossip: Why Do the Kids Have to Suffer?

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip, I need a little help from you and your readers. I divorced my husband 4 years ago and I’m just now getting readjusted to living the single life. There were a number of reasons why we ended up having to divorce, one being he was unfaithful on a number of occasions and the second is because he lacked the drive to make something of himself. We got married when we were 21 and I was in college while he was cutting hair here and there and dabbled in real estate. Well after we had our 2 kids before the age of 30, my husband decided he wanted to be a rapper and started hanging around in random studios and “touring” with another local rapper. Needless to say that got old pretty fast and I was wanting more. Mind you, in the meantime I got my Master’s, bought a house and was holding down the fort by providing and putting in the work hours. However, let me be clear, I didn’t do it for him I did it for my kids. After a while I really got tired of him not wanting more for himself and being a better example for our kids. I guess the problem was I grew up and he did not. Plus the women that were in his phone and calling all hours of the night was the last straw. Well it’s been 4 years since we split and I’m loving life and he immediately moved into a tiny apartment with one of his bust downs and that’s fine with me because I don’t want or need anything from him. I feel so free not having to deal with him and our kids are at an age where they can coordinate when they want to spend time with him without me having to be involved until they need to be picked up or dropped off. Where I think I’m messing up is I allow him to come over and spend time with the kids only because sometimes I feel more at ease knowing they’re home. But lately he keeps trying me and talking nonsense whenever I see him. He says things like “well, you need to give us another chance” or “all you have to do is say the word and I’m back” but I don’t want him! I’ve even grown to like his current girlfriend a little only because she’s good to my kids. What I don’t like is that when I tell him I’m not interested in getting back with him and that our time has run its course, he gets mad and takes it out on the kids by not calling or making good on his word to them. I think it’s disgusting that I almost have to play along and flirt with his little insinuations to get him to come through for the kids! I’m over him, I want him in the kids life but it seems like more of a hassle than anything else. Do you have any input or advice for situations like these?

Hello to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! Ahhh, the classic “you never miss a good thing until it’s gone” story at its best, right? And, sis, you have proven that another saying is also true, “success is the best revenge!” One can only admire the strides you’ve made and the example you’ve set for your children . . . and, obviously, your ex-husband is feeling the loss! If he has an ounce of intelligence, he’s probably wishing he had done things differently and could only hope for another chance with you but, in his heart, he knows he doesn’t have a fighting chance at this point unless he makes more than a few changes in his life. So far, “Easy Street” seems to be where he’s most comfortable, unfortunately. Without knowing the logistics of the divorce, he’s got it made in comparison to others in the same situation! All you ask of him is time and attention to devote to the kids and nothing more!

So, what it sounds like is, you’ve got troubles establishing solid boundaries at this juncture in your relationship. Although you two are divorced, you will have to deal with each other until the kids are grown, so it’s best to firmly enforce your boundaries and expectations without hesitation. If he’s talking slick to you and taking it out on your kids when you don’t entertain him, then that speaks volumes of his selfish character! Your romantic involvement, or lack thereof, with him should not, in any way, dictate his parenting! True, it’s awkward in times of transition but he’s had four years to adjust to the divorce and has moved on with his life! You’re deserving of the same freedom, so don’t even fool around with his shenanigans for a second! Divert any and all his innuendos and refocus the conversation back to the kids! All communication should be strictly business . . . i.e. the kids!

But here’s the deal, you clearly have a place in his heart and mind so use your position wisely. In most, cases, there’s normally a point or position that cannot be argued because it makes too much sense and you can’t argue truth and fact. Tell him straight up, “hey, you know what? Our marriage ran its course and I’m ready to move on with my life! You’ve moved on, so why can’t I?” Tell him the kids should not have to suffer because you don’t want to rekindle a romantic relationship with him and stress the fact that, at some point, he’s going to have to answer to his absence! Tell him he will no longer be welcomed in your house if he can’t adhere to the visitation schedule. Be firm in the idea that you want nothing from him outside of him being a father to the kids. But you must tell him without wavering . . . you have to be firm, ma, no “flirting!” He’ll come around to it in due time if you stick to your guns, so stay strong, sis! Stay strong and keep living!

What are your thoughts, Bossip Fam? Please share them below!

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  • Its pretty simple

    She need to take him to court to sort out visitation, that way he cant go back on what he signed to. The flirting and stuff is just not worth it!

    • star

      the court can’t force him to have a relationship with his children.

  • babysis

    I support Inter/racial relationships! I believe love has no color!

    ___________blackwhitedate.c-/0m ____________

    This club is for those of us that don’t discriminate! This is to all my people who don’t care about somebody’s ethnic background, just how they are on the inside.

    If you want to find a sincere Inter/racial relationship. If you are serious. Come and join us!

  • aqueenwaits

    For My Sister in the article: My thought is keep on pushin’ cause those types of LOSERS never change….even if he somehow got it together, he would most likely have twice as many women. Goodluck to you, Girl!

  • LadyLove

    I love the quote “success is the best revenge” it is true. I dont understand why people even get married anymore, you should have to have a mental screening before you can get married and have children because people dont know what their doing! And some people never grow up and are just fine with being losers all their lives i.e, the man wanting to be a rapper…smh!


    Yuck!!! Why did she marry him in the first place? SMH

    • LYRICS

      MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY….but then again sometimes u just see sooo much DAMN potential in some1 that u THINK, HOPE, N’ PRAY they’ll do better 4 themselves, but that’s not always the case!!!



  • ThickLikeCornbread

    F*ck him

    Let him & his bust-it-baby live happily ever after

    Do NOT & I repeat DO NOT get back with him for the kids

    Do NOT flirt with him for your kids.

    He CONTINUES to act childish & punishes the kids b/c HE f*cked up?! H311 Naw!

    If he dont come thru for the kids, u try to make it up to them. They will eventually see the light.

    I will be praying for u, b/c I would BEEN “layed hands” on him

  • wisdom2

    This dude selfish, bottom line, he cares for no one but himself.

    If your children are old enough have them call him out…

    You stay out of it…..
    My daughters father was that way…..I told her that’s your daddy, call him, don’t let a man lie to you…

    She started calling him on it and now she is 26 and they talk to each other everyday and even have lunch and dinner dates….


    I told her you daddy be lying child, but he still your daddy. And you have to love him anyway.

    They have good relationship now but she is the adult, and she knows it, but he soo appreciates that she sticks with him..,


  • shut the fu*ck up

    his beat down broke down dust rats ain’t bringing any money in so he needs to be back in your lifestyle because then he can relax off your hard earned money…question what makes you think he takes care of the kids when he has them? he probably spoons them off to his current girlfriend to take care of while he still plays the wack rapper

  • Lady A

    She needs to let him meet up with the kids in a public place and invite his girlfriend since she did say she likes her. That way he can’t hit on her, he is not in her home but, he still manages to spend time with his kids. Or, call the girlfriend one day while he is visiting and just lay the phone down and let her hear everything. Once he goes home and she snaps out I bet he will stop then!

  • Sanriobaby =^.^=

    SThEhe has moved on to bigger, better, and brighter days, while he’s one step away from moving back home to his momma. He’s an EPIC FAIL!!! It doesn’t matter what she tells him, he clearly has a EGO that renders him incapable of respecting her anyway. So if the kids are old enough to deal with him, then let them. And trust that most kids at some point, will see thier parents for who they really are. In the meantime, she should severely limit any time they are alone together. But don’t be surprised if he never gives up trying. Some men truely think that once they f*uk you, they have a lifetime pass to come and go as they please. The kids may need thier dad, but he’s still looking for you to be his momma. NEXT!

  • S.a.s.s.y24

    Stop flirting with him set up boundaries and keep them. If he thinks the best way to get back at you is not spending time with his kids then he is a damn fool. Let him go on with his foolishness don’t bad mouth him in front of the kids, when they grow up they will see on their own what a fool he is.

  • B3 Fearless

    Good advice Glok!

  • Gaii Gurl Shaii

    correction raise your kids with..

  • Allie

    Honey you are much too good for him, lol i have to say i was hoping you would’ve realized that a lot sooner, but now that your doing your thing of course he’s going to want you back, because he is not doing so hot, but don’t buy into it, don’t fall for the little tricks he throws your way

  • star

    unfortunately you chose an irresponsible man to be the father of your children so the children are going to have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Try to talk some sense to him and let him know “I DON’T WANT YOU ANYMORE, MOVE ON”


    The kids will probably be BETTER human beings from seeing the effects of a sorry azz loser FIRSTHAND!! LET THE KIDS KNOW HE’S A PIECE OF TRASH TRYING TO USE THEM TO GET TO YOU, THAT WAY THEY DONT GROW UP TO BE T R A S H!!! PUT THAT SCUMBAG ON BLAST!!!

  • kk

    start hitting on his girlfriend….
    what the hell !
    this way he will definetely leave you alone on the romantic tip 🙂

    i agree with most of the comments — don’t worry about standing in the gap for him & his kids. it’s not your job. you did not break anything, therefore you do NOT need to fix anything.

    i applaud your efforts in squaring away and handling up on all areas of your life. but sit back Ma, you don’t need to fix a parent.

    from a divorced woman of 3….enjoy your new found womanhood. it sounds (and is) fantastic.

  • Molly

    I agree with Macori… Your ex-husband does not hold a special place in his heart for you. He only sees how comfortable his life would be if only you were to allow him back in. Trust me, past behaviors are future indicators!

    If you ever begin to wonder about reconnecting with him, or if you still have feelings for him, then explore those feelings ONLY AFTER HE SHOWS CONSISTENT MATURING. That may take months or years to do. And only explore those feelings if it is truly how you feel… minus your children’s sentiments.

    However, keep in mind that past behaviors are future indicators! Sure everyone wants a second chance, but not everyone can prove that they deserve it.

  • Eddy

    This loser is wasting your time and his kids time. You would be better off without him and so would your kids. He’s no role model.

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