Dear Bossip I have a major problem!! I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man that I was so in love with. We met at his best friend’s wedding and we started dating shortly afterwards. We made plans for the future and eventually moved into together after about a year and a half and we were planning to get married. We had a ring picked out and we were saving to pay for the wedding that neither one of our families could afford. I had already told him yes when he asked me to marry him and he gave me his grandmother’s diamond ring until he could get the one we picked out but for some reason it just didn’t feel official to me. Well, it all came to light in May of this year. I’ve never been the type to go through a man’s phone or violate privacy in that way but something told me to look so I did. His laptop was on the counter and his email was up so I took a quick look and found out he had been emailing another (black) woman back and forth and she was sending pictures of her body parts. When I confronted him about it he said they were forwards from one of his boy’s girlfriends but I never believed it and after careful thought and talking to my brothers I decided not to sweat the emails and pictures because “that’s what men do.” Well less than a month later, he lost his job but couldn’t really tell me why and I still supported him. He would be at home all day but gone all night at the bars and with his boys. One night we had an argument and I expressed to him that I didn’t understand why he can go out with his “boys” but can’t look for a job. He blew his gasket and went off on me and left and did not return for 2 days. That’s when I knew something was really up and that he was seeing someone else. When he finally came home he packed another bag and said he would be back to get the rest of his things in a few days but I wanted to talk to him and he wouldn’t because was on a mission to leave me. His phone rang and I snatched it away from him and answered it and a woman was on the other end telling me that my engagement was over and that he’s moved on so I need to do the same. Even though she sounded like a caucasian trying to hard to sound ghetto I assumed it was the woman sending the emails. I was in the state of shock for days and it only got worse when he showed up at the house with his new live in white girl in tow. It would be different if she were cute and in shape, like myself but she was chunky, porky, greasy, loud and ghetto!! I had no words for him and could do nothing other than stare the b*tch down from the window and shake my head. Only to find out later that she’s in her early 20’s (we’re 33) and the reason he got fired because they worked in same office! I was angry for a long time but now I’m just hurt and want to know why! What did I do? Why won’t he won’t even answer my calls? What does she have that I don’t and what is so great about her that made him leave me for that white trashy woman? I need to get over this but I don’t know where to start. Do you have any advice for me?
Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! So, wow! You’ve been going through it since May, huh? Well, here’s the deal, there’s an upside to all this! This dude you were about to marry is a loser! Aren’t you glad you found out before you got married, had kids and lived a life of misery . . . with a sneaky, no-good man? He really did you a favor — showing his true colors before you got in too deep! Sure, get mad that he wasted your time and had no intention to do right by you, that’s warranted but please make haste in moving on with your life! Why are you calling him and further upset that he’s not answering? And the answer is simple . . . he’s a coward. And what could he say or explain to make his actions excusable or less painful? Not a whole lot, right? Some things are better left unsaid, so please don’t look for rhyme and reason in the madness! And stop blaming yourself or looking for what you did to cause this! From what you’ve written, it sounds like the man’s got some issues.
Okay, so he cheated and left you, which would take a shot to anyone’s pride, but what’s so special about her and why, you ask? Well, she’s everything you’re not! “Out of shape, chunky, porky, greasy, loud and ghetto,” and those are your words. Let’s take it a step further, she’s shameless, has no scruples and is plain silly to believe he won’t do the same thing to her! So, the fact that’s she’s white has no merit, really. If he left you for a “trashy” black woman, what would be the difference and how would it keep you from being hurt? He is the company he keeps so if he left you for a “trashy” woman then he’s equally “trashy,” messy and unsavory . . . if not, more! And they just might make a perfect “trashy” match so he’s someone else’s problem now. Wash your hands of him, sis!
By all means, you have more than enough reason to be angry, hurt and upset but you should begin to treat this as a blessing rather than a loss. You should be thanking God he’s not the one and for sparing you further heartache in the future! You trusted your intuition and went through his laptop for a reason and everything began to unravel from there. That’s a perfect example of divine intervention! Once you change your attitude and disposition towards the situation, you will be free! Surround yourself with people that love you and laugh together, shoot, cry together if need be! Take your time, make peace with the botched engagement and all its messiness, forgive him and move on! Let it go, ma! Let is go!
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