Dear Bossip: How Come He’s Moved On and Why Can’t I?

- By Bossip Staff

I have a problem with my life right now Bossip and I could really use some third party advice without judgement. I was with my ex-husband for 4 years and we have two kids. We had our oldest daughter when we were in our early twenties and we were on again off again for a few years. As soon as I halfway moved on with another guy here he comes talking about how he needs his family back. I wasn’t really feeling the man I was seeing and nothing had really worked in the dating realm anyways so I slowly let him back in and we made it official. Well about a year into it I got pregnant and our families urged us to get married on the strength that we had two kids. In hindsight it was a new school shotgun wedding and we didn’t get married for the right reasons. To make a short story long we got divorced less than a year ago and before that we were separated for only 3 months. He moved out and within 6 months he moved a new chick in his new place and I’m trying to figure out why that bothers me! I don’t know if he was cheating and at this point I don’t care but I have to explain all this to my kids! They ask me the questions, not him! I haven’t even had the time to see anybody on a romantic level so I don’t understand for the life of me how HE has the time! How come he gets to move on but I can’t? It’s angers me and I’m staring to resent him however I need to remain civil for the sake of the kids because at this point I have no words for him and I don’t want to see his face at my daughter’s soccer and basketball games and I’m sure my face indicates my disgust with his actions. I talk to my friends and family about it but of course they’re my team all the time but I really want to know if I am being ridiculous? What should I do?

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! So you and your ex-husband recently divorced and he’s already moved on . . . in a major way! Unfortunately, sis, some things just are what they are by nature. Naturally, you’re angry and frustrated but, in time, it will subside. Naturally, you’re going to answer those complicated questions your children ask because you’re with them the majority of the time and they probably feel a little more comfortable asking you just because you’re the Mom! Surely, you answer them as honestly as possible and are helping them through the transitional phase but, by all means and if you don’t already, direct all questions you can’t answer to your ex! Remain positive, never badmouth their father to them and encourage him to continue to show his love and support as often as possible. In other words, keep doing the right thing!

Now, are you being ridiculous, you ask? And the answer is no. You’re carrying a two-person load by yourself! Ideally, it’ would be nice for both parents to be as present and participatory as possible in these times but it sounds like that’s not the case. Again, you’re doing the right thing by taking the time you need to heal and re-settle your family before you start dating again! In order to make these changes as pain-free as possible you have to take your time easing back into the single life . . . not just for you but for yours kids also! It’s so much healthier this way. Some things take more time than we like but with patience and a positive attitude there’s always a reward in the end! You doing this the way your are only ensures that when you do move on, it’ll be with the right person and for the right reasons!

As for your ex, as the old saying goes, “all things end just as quickly as they started.” Right! Sure, he’s moved on and, who knows, she just might be the person he ends up with but at what expense? If he’s not putting in the work with the kids you all share, he’ll have to answer to them later on down the line. So, however much time he has to date and shack up has nothing to do with the example he’s setting and there’s nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, he’ll come around before it’s too late but you cannot be preoccupied with him and his actions. Somebody has to be stable and make sense of things! And in this case, it’s you! Keep doing right by your kids, ma, and all things will fall into place when the time is right!

What are your thoughts, Bossip Readers? Please share them below!

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

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Comments

  • http://www.showmestate.com 5'10" AKILLAH RICHARDS (A SPADE IS A SPADE)

    YOU MEAN HOW COME SHE’S MOVED ON….. AND YOUR LAME AZZ IS STILL STALKING AND HATING. just saying

  • http://www.showmestate.com 5'10" AKILLAH RICHARDS (A SPADE IS A SPADE)

    and the dude in this post is so trife.

    • Played-out-Gucci

      CUZZ U A “PSYCHO”,IF 1 PERSON SAY IT’S OVER,IT’S OVER!!!

  • Choco

    I think you are being ridiculous cuz your focus is on him I’ve been there and it sounds as though neither one of you were in love so you are resentful because he’s found someone and you haven’t! Research that a lil further and you should be able to set yourself free!

  • Blacchyna

    I feel your pain writer. It’s hard to truly let go when you are in-love with someone. It’s fair to say MEN tend to move on faster then women, because it’s in there nature. Most people tend to get involved with someonelse to get over the person they just broke up with. Some women have a problem with being alone. In your case it seems to me you loved him more then he probably loved you. Just keep you head to the shy and pray for GOD to remove the pain in your heart. Just try not hate him, it will be bad for the children.

  • Matix B

    Dear Fake Reader: You can’t move on because you equate your happiness with being in a relationship. Don’t fret many women do; however you too can break free from that.
    As ladies we need to work on bettering ourselves for our partners, children and of course (numero uno) the lady in the mirror. Instead of worrying about what happened and why he won’t come back, use you failed relationship as a lesson on what NOT to do next time. Your mentality is skewed as you refer to your shared children as yours only. Let the FATHER be a FATHER. The fact that he has another woman is none of your business, since you were married to him; clearly you know he won’t put your children in harm’s way. You can’t move on because of PRIDE! Put it aside and live your life as a single Mom until you mature enough to be in a grown azz relationship. Case closed.

    • Mock Rock Star

      😆 @Don’t fret many women do; however you too can break free from that.

  • Next

    First, forgive the guy for the sake of your kids.
    You don’t have to explain anything to the kids. It’s not their business, their not mature enough to understand and the only message they are going to get is, that you are bitter and Dad is great b/c he doesn’t act that way.
    All they need to know is that you both love them. That’s why you must forgive.

    Second, You simply feel like an arse. He played you like a fiddle when really you should have the upper hand….more than once and then dropped you like a bad habit and replaced you quicker than a lightbulb.
    Probably mad you didn’t beat him to the punch.

    Fool me once, shame on you
    Fool me twice, shame on me

  • samech

    So sad… I feel ya! Guys move on fast, however, that’s only if they don’t love you. It could be a defense mechanism but, not likely.

  • Matix B

    Divorce is hard for anyone. But women take it as a personal failure and men use the opportunity to renew their zest for life. If you’re divorced then the marriage wasn’t meant to be, and you probably saved yourself some misery down the road. I’m all for children being born into a married partnership, but when it’s done in vain or for the wrong reasons only the children suffer, arguably more than if you raised them as a single Mom in the first place.

  • Baracka Flocka Flame

    “I can find another you in a minute, matter fact she’ll be here in a minute, baby…”

    Oh so that clever little quip isn’t so funny when it happens to a woman? #smh

    • Matix B

      That lyric was written by a man. So what are you trying to say?

    • AQueenWaits

      @BFF

      That’s a terrible reference! People need to remember that they are still dealing with other people. You men replace women like socks…..everytime they begin to stink and start looking worn. But as long as that sock kept your ashy ankles warm, you were both cool. The fact of the matter is this, both men and women need to get back to dealing with each other as people again. And stop this “I’m tired of this, so I’ll get another, and another and another”, like Lays Potatoe Chips. You can’t eat just one!

  • smh

    u kno it was the ex-WIFE who wrote rite?if u READ it u would kno the ex-husb aint evn checkin 4 her..smh.READ PEOPLE!!

  • Matix B

    Your story touched me. You gave away your power, but that’s not your fault. You were programmed to do so. Next time, turn the tables around! He is supposed to be there for you and broaden you horizons not the other way around. Educated women can pull her whole family out of poverty quicker and easier than an educated man. You know why? Women can instill the notion of education being paramount in her children regardless of their sex. If you want a better life, 3educate yourself and your children will follow suit.

  • leah

    Its pretty obvious that she is just jealous becuz she hasnt found a man since the divorce. What he does in his private should not concern her as long as it does not negatively affect the kids. She just needs to get laid, plain and simple.

    • AQueenWaits

      @ Leah

      Ur clearly not a single parent or else you would understand that she’s physically and emotionally tired. Tired of not getting any rest, any understanding, any financial help, any sex, any time to herself and the list goes on.

    • leah

      @ Queen. No I’m not a parent. But where in the letter does it say she is getting no financial help? And yes its pretty obvious she aint getting no d!ck either. But does that justify her bitterness towards her ex? I dont think so. She needs to lean on her family and friends for support and stop concentrating on what and who her ex is doing

  • http://lecoil.tumblr.com/ Educated Goon

    Well if she is the same girl in the picture.. you need to move on and get with me ASAP. I will put a ring on it within weeks

  • Africanking

    No wonder he left and moved on fast. I personally can’t see myself marrying someone who isn’t from my culture or at least comes from
    a have a high divorce rate background. In other word, if her mother, father, brother, sister and friends were all divorced at some point, they will always give her the worst advice. So of course her family will be on her side as they are probably among the higher divorce rate group (40% of Americans are divorced). Couple of mistake she had made. 1) she opened her legs to him without protection or at least marriage. 2- Became out of shape (65% of African American are overweight) 3- nagging (look how angry she sounds toward the end). Do I need to keep going 🙂

    • AQueenWaits

      @ AfricanburgerKing

      95% of African men beat their women, are ashy, running schemes and ALWAYS lying. If you don’t like the way things are done in America…go back to the bushland!

    • VirgoJewel

      LMAOOOOOOO!!! @ AQueenWaits

    • Demilicious

      AQueenWaits —- that is absolutely ridiculous! Maybe 95% of your men but not 95% of black men.

  • Baracka Flocka Flame

    @Matix B

    It was written for and performed by a woman. Quit trying to be smart…

    Anyway my point is that its funny how people react when the shoe is on the other foot. Good day.

    • Matix B

      “I can find another you in a minute, matter fact she’ll be here in a minute, baby…”

      I didn’t get it because you wrote “she”.

  • chaka1

    Having children with a man is an emotionally binding experience. It would be natural for anyone to have a difficult time moving on. As long as she allows herself to be open to love she will find it again.

  • AQueenWaits

    @Matix B

    Eerthing you said sounds good, but women just need to get it together by healing and moving on. It’s not normal OR natural to try to instill in anyone’s heart, minds, and souls that “our education” will fill that void.

    It’ll pay the bills, but it can never replace the need for a man. We as humans need each other and to imply any else is just uncivilized.

    You need to get your stuff straight!

    • Matix B

      I love men and always will, but I will never need one. Having a man won’t get me up in tohe morning. That’s the difference, I want one, not NEED one!

    • Matix B

      Are you trying to tell me that education doesn’t uplift a women’s self esteem and only a man will do that?

    • AQueenWaits

      @Matix B

      I don’t need a need toothpaste, but I’d like fresh breath and teeth for the rest of my years. Who wants to use baking soda, just because there’s an alternative?

      When you get old (and we all will hopefully), you’ll see that you need “each other”.

  • yea jus tellem willz said it

    Ay I waz married b fo n I’m 23 a yr ol male… and n my dream voice I say another chick can solve it wen luv is da problem(or sum new pus-e) lmao… but it took about 29 hours b fo I waz n sum cheeks after we split… so jus live urs n dnt give a frik about others…(only child)

    • Blacchyna

      Evidently you truly wasn’t in-love from the beginning. When you love then your heart is broken when that person is no longer in your life. It’s like a wound it takes time to heal.. I’m just sayin.. No harm intended..

  • Baracka Flocka Flame

    @Matix B

    Well, I appologize. I thought you were being sarcastic.

    • Matix B

      No I wasn’t I was just confused. Sorry to have bothered you.

  • Matix B

    AQueenWaits: I hear you, I agree marriage is a partnership, but you have to work at it to get there and if the balance of power is off, you’re going to have to work overtime to make it work. Women too often give up their life for a flash in the pan, and inevitable receive nothing in return. “Never above you, never below you, always beside you”.

    • AQueenWaits

      Ur absolutely right (peace sign and smile)

  • Soul Touch

    Great that you recognize that you two may not have gotten married for the wrong reasons.

    To be honest, it’s probably easy for him to move on because he was done before it was officially over. And it’s easier to find a new woman because chances are you have the children so the balance of life (work, fatherhood/motherhood, etc) is…well..unbalanced.

    In order to move on you have to forgive him for moving on, especially since, logically, you see your marriage for what it was (not saying you didn’t have feelings for each other/ mutual respect).

    Good luck, the healing will come but we have to let go to be free.

    • Soul Touch

      Sorry, for the right reasons…

  • I_saw_this_one_coming

    You effed up by believing in “love” in the first damn place.

    “Love” is just a bull$hit word that you will find in the dictionary, about midway between:

    “loathing”

    and

    “lust”.

    You should have seen THAT before getting all wrapped up in the bull$hit.

    Effa “love” and effa nigguh (of EITHER gender).

    Half the 1st marriages in this country end in divorce, and 67% of the SECOND marriages do.

    You still buy into that bull$hit?

    PUH-LEEEZE.

    Monogamous marriage developed among humans thousands of years ago, when the average muh fugguh only lived till about age 40. By the time he or she got bored, he/she was damn near death’s bed. Now a person can reasonably expect to live 7 or 8 DECADES.

    With ONE muh fugguh?
    Again, PU-LEEEZE.

    And people are NOT going to be miserable for NO DAMN BODY.

    HIT IT, and QUIT IT. And forget procreation —- there’s too damn many people in the world anyway. And the average muh fugguh does NOT HAVE THE CAPACITY to compromise, which is what marriage IS.

    The average selfish muh fugguh thinks that everybody else is a bit player, and they have the starring role.
    Look at how egotistical, some utterly BUTT UGLY muh fugguhs are.

    Eighty years ago those muh fugguhs would have had some HUMILITY — now sum b!tches have TOO DAMN MUCH “self esteem” (yes — THAT IS POSSIBLE).

    Surprised marriages don’t work?
    Hell, the surprise is that 50% —- DO.

    • Soul Touch

      I disagree, I believe the stats on after 40 is due to the period in that persons life, maturity, understanding of self, etc.

      In most people, 20s in a transition point…so when people marry young they don’t recognize or are no long compatible to that same person at 35-40-45.

      Also, I don’t think the problem is love (though I think the word is overused and misused)…some what. I believe in love (I’m a romantic)…I believe love is the catalyst to the commitment of marriage. But there has to be more. There has to be more; common goals, communication, respect, future ideals, etc.

    • I_saw_this_one_coming

      Sorry, but Al and Tipper Gore’s divorce after 40 YEARS of marriage is sadly becoming a TREND —- divorce after DECADES of marriage (among the boomers).

      Wish I could believe in the capacity of people in this culture to have long, happy marriages — but, just because I see YAO MING, I don’t expect to go to China and see a damn bunch of 7’6″ chinamen.

      And just because SOME marriages work, doesn’t impress me…

      People in this culture are just too damn EGOTISTICAL to even RECOGNIZE that marriage is about a lot of little compromises, and NEGOTIATION on BIG issues.

      Everything that I see around me confirms my opinion.

      People, I’ve observed, don’t even have the capacity to be a loving mate in a relationship — they seem to look for someone that they can impress their friends with, or someone to ma$$ge their ego — and if that’s ALL that they have been in a relationshitp, how in the hell are they going to be in a marriage?

      Suddenly caring and nurturing — puhleeze.

    • Soul Touch

      Just to clarify, I don’t mean marriage of 40 years, but marrying later in life.

      I totally agree with you last two points. It’s a selfish world.

    • I_saw_this_one_coming

      The biggest problem that I see in this culture, is that “bros before hoes” and “sistahs before mistahs” bull$hit mentality —- caring more about the wags you hang out with, than the person that you vowed to put first in your life.

      That $hit permeates this damn culture — and the very people who embody it MOST, act “shocked” that they can’t find a mate.

      Puh-leeze.

    • ThickLikeCornbread

      Perfect example of when keeping it real goes drastically WRONG & BITTER!

    • JAM

      BRAVO! well said

  • ThickLikeCornbread

    This is a NATURAL HUMAN REACTION!

    H311, he went thru the same thing when he saw u dating, then he begged to come back & u let him.

    It is very hard to transition from some1 u have been with for an extended period of time, but it will get better

    Stop worrying about wht he is doing & focus on u & the kids. While he “shacking up” u will be making memories with the kids. I doubt that relationship goes anywhere– 75% of rebound relationships dnt work.

    U will be fine!

    • Blacchyna

      Ilove it..

  • silk

    just take it easy. time heal all wounds and always pray and have faith in God.

  • shut the fu*ck up

    i no longer let the guy think that I need him
    it just sets traps ladies
    im out on the weekends so i control my destiny not no man

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