Dear Bossip: How Come He’s Moved On and Why Can’t I?

- By Bossip Staff

I have a problem with my life right now Bossip and I could really use some third party advice without judgement. I was with my ex-husband for 4 years and we have two kids. We had our oldest daughter when we were in our early twenties and we were on again off again for a few years. As soon as I halfway moved on with another guy here he comes talking about how he needs his family back. I wasn’t really feeling the man I was seeing and nothing had really worked in the dating realm anyways so I slowly let him back in and we made it official. Well about a year into it I got pregnant and our families urged us to get married on the strength that we had two kids. In hindsight it was a new school shotgun wedding and we didn’t get married for the right reasons. To make a short story long we got divorced less than a year ago and before that we were separated for only 3 months. He moved out and within 6 months he moved a new chick in his new place and I’m trying to figure out why that bothers me! I don’t know if he was cheating and at this point I don’t care but I have to explain all this to my kids! They ask me the questions, not him! I haven’t even had the time to see anybody on a romantic level so I don’t understand for the life of me how HE has the time! How come he gets to move on but I can’t? It’s angers me and I’m staring to resent him however I need to remain civil for the sake of the kids because at this point I have no words for him and I don’t want to see his face at my daughter’s soccer and basketball games and I’m sure my face indicates my disgust with his actions. I talk to my friends and family about it but of course they’re my team all the time but I really want to know if I am being ridiculous? What should I do?

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! So you and your ex-husband recently divorced and he’s already moved on . . . in a major way! Unfortunately, sis, some things just are what they are by nature. Naturally, you’re angry and frustrated but, in time, it will subside. Naturally, you’re going to answer those complicated questions your children ask because you’re with them the majority of the time and they probably feel a little more comfortable asking you just because you’re the Mom! Surely, you answer them as honestly as possible and are helping them through the transitional phase but, by all means and if you don’t already, direct all questions you can’t answer to your ex! Remain positive, never badmouth their father to them and encourage him to continue to show his love and support as often as possible. In other words, keep doing the right thing!

Now, are you being ridiculous, you ask? And the answer is no. You’re carrying a two-person load by yourself! Ideally, it’ would be nice for both parents to be as present and participatory as possible in these times but it sounds like that’s not the case. Again, you’re doing the right thing by taking the time you need to heal and re-settle your family before you start dating again! In order to make these changes as pain-free as possible you have to take your time easing back into the single life . . . not just for you but for yours kids also! It’s so much healthier this way. Some things take more time than we like but with patience and a positive attitude there’s always a reward in the end! You doing this the way your are only ensures that when you do move on, it’ll be with the right person and for the right reasons!

As for your ex, as the old saying goes, “all things end just as quickly as they started.” Right! Sure, he’s moved on and, who knows, she just might be the person he ends up with but at what expense? If he’s not putting in the work with the kids you all share, he’ll have to answer to them later on down the line. So, however much time he has to date and shack up has nothing to do with the example he’s setting and there’s nothing you can do about it. Hopefully, he’ll come around before it’s too late but you cannot be preoccupied with him and his actions. Somebody has to be stable and make sense of things! And in this case, it’s you! Keep doing right by your kids, ma, and all things will fall into place when the time is right!

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