Dear Bossip: I Was Uknowingly A Side Chick, But I Think I Want Him Around

- By Bossip Staff

Black woman in bed

Dear Bossip,

I am a 24 year-old mother and college graduate of one year.

I already have a job in my field of Law Enforcement. I said that to say this, I am not usually confused in most areas of my life. I pretty much know what I want and go for it and I don’t let negative things cloud my judgment (usually).

Well, I really don’t know where to start, but here it goes. I was with my daughter’s father for 7 years. I lost my virginity to him. We had her around that 7th year and during my pregnancy I found out that he had been cheating on me for a little over a year with someone else. I was extremely hurt and broken over that. Although it was very hard I ended that relationship and endured the joys and hardship of being a single mother, but I pulled through just fine.

Well, that was 3 years ago and I have been single ever since, and my daughter has not ever seen me show any type of affection to any guy, not even her dad because I left him when she was only 2 weeks old. I am very protective over my child, as any mother should, and for the fear that a new relationship would not last and that would only confuse her once she became attached. I have not introduced her to anyone I’ve been out with.

Well, almost a year ago, I met this guy who is 5 years older than I am. He was a complete gentleman and he asked me out on a date. I agreed because I was impressed by this approach. We hit it off. I found out he was in a previous relationship for 14 years and they have 2 kids together. I was a little suspect about that, but several dates came after that. I made him wait about 3 months before we had sex because for one it had been a while for me and I had only been with one other person and I also wanted to develop something more than just physical. And, we did…everything was perfect, months went by and I started falling in love with him, but I still did not allow him to meet my daughter.

About 2 months ago, things changed.  I saw him with the mother of his children dropping one of his kids off at a skating rink. I just so happen to be there taking my daughter to a party. I asked him about that and his excuse was he was spending time with his kids. Ok, so when does spending time with your kids involve you being in a car with their mother DROPPING THEM OFF??? We started to go out on dates less often and I stopped seeing him less often. I questioned him about the relationship with him and his children’s mother and he denied anything was going on.

One day, I received a call from her from his phone and -ish hit the fan. She told me they had been married for some time and asked questions that any other woman would ask and I answered them honestly. She then woke him up and gave him the phone. Once he heard my voice, he hung up. Shortly after, he calls me and wanted to know why I told her the truth!!! I told him he made me the “side chick” unknowingly and that if I had lied for him, then that would have made me like any other “side peice.”

I cut him off after that. I don’t know why, but I was not as hurt as I thought I would be and I haven’t given him any much thought since. It’s been 2 months since I’ve spoken to him, then all of a sudden he’s been blowing my phone up none stop, leaving voice mails saying how much he misses me and asking can we just be friends at least. I finally answered his call and told him I still wanted nothing to do with him and to just cut his losses and move on (just like that). Since then I have been thinking about him none stop and I’m starting to miss him a lot.

I don’t know if it’s because of the fact that I have not had sex with anyone since him and I’m “f**kstrated,” or because I really do miss him. I’m starting to feel like I want him around after all…WHAT SHOULD I DO??? – Truly Confused

Dear Ms. Truly Confused,

Girl! LOL! I love your word, “F**kstrated.” And, that is exactly what you are! F**kstrated!

Chile, this man lied to you. He deceived you. He manipulated you into thinking he was a single man who had a baby momma and that you and he had some type of relationship. Then you discovered he is married. And, now you’re writing and asking what should you do because you miss him, and you’re feeling some type of way. Uhm, boo boo, he is still married. He has a wife and family.

Why would you want to be with this man? What would you gain? Why would you knowingly want to sleep with this man when you know he has a wife and a family? And, so now you’re okay with being a “side chick?”  SMDH!

Don’t be the other woman. It’s not cute. It’s not worth it. It’s not who you are. If you have all these morals and values around not introducing your daughter to various men, and you uphold standards of being a virtuous woman, then what lesson will your daughter learn knowing her mother is sleeping with a married man? How can you live with yourself knowing you’re sleeping with another woman’s husband, and you’re nothing to him but some a**?

But, hold up, when his wife called you and she put him on the phone and he hung up on you, then had the nerve to call you back and ask you why did you tell her the truth? Girl, that right there is when you should have called his wife back and told her.  But, you should have set his a** up and told him to meet you at a nice hotel. And, then you and his wife should have shown up together and whooped his a** together!

Chile, you want to portray yourself to your daughter as if you’re a good woman and that you’re not out there sleeping with various men, but what will you say to her knowing that is not who you are?

Let’s consider these facts:

1.)    He’s married. He’s still calling you, and thus, this means he is lying to his wife. And, if he lies and cheats on her, he will do the same to you. Point blank!

2.)    He’s done this before. Girl, I hope you don’t think you’re the first woman he has done this with. I’m sure the other women who were unknowingly made the side chick left his bum a** alone when they learned he was married. You’re the only one who is dumb enough to really consider being a married man’s side chick.

3.)    He has children. You have children. Do you people really consider your children in your decision making when you’re playing these games? How will this affect them in the long run? What lessons they will learn from all of this? How do you explain to your daughter that you’re a married man’s side chick?

4.)    You’ve seen him with his wife. You’ve spoken to his wife. Sooooo, you’ve reconciled in your head that despite seeing her, speaking with her, and him lying about his 14-year marriage that it’s okay to go ahead and continue your sexual relationship with him simply because you’re “F**kstrated.”

Now, let’s get to the real root of your frustrations. You are exactly what you’ve declared, F**kstrated. You need some steady man meat in your life. And, you’re willing to compromise your morals and values because you’re d**kmatized. It’s not worth it. There are millions of single men in the world, and I’m sure there are many single men in your city, or area. Get yourself one of them and take out your sexual F**kstrations with them. You need the sexual stimuli and release with a man who can satisfy your desires and needs.

You’re missing male companionship, and because you have all these rules that dictate your life, and with introducing men to your daughter, you’ve put yourself on a sexual hiatus. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can still have fun, enjoy yourself, and be sexually active without bringing men to your home. I’m sure there are plenty of men who have their own homes or apartments. Hell, you can even go to a hotel and get your freak on! Don’t deny yourself sexually if that is what you need. You just have to be creative in getting and doing what you need to do without bringing men to your home.

Look, the point here is that you should tell that man to lose your number, block his number, and stop communicating with him. He’s married. That is something you don’t want to be a part of, or get mixed up in. Get yourself your own man. A single man who can satisfy your sexual needs and desires. And, hopefully it will lead to a relationship. Until it does, you can go to his home, a hotel, or find other creative ways to enjoy an active and healthy sex life. Honey, you’re a woman with needs. And, the last thing you want to be is a woman who is F**strated and laying up with some other woman’s husband. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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