I am a 30-year old single woman who has been out of the dating game for a year due to a very bad break up.
I have always been the faithful type and I don’t make a habit of sleeping around. Last year around this time I found myself awaiting the return of my fiancé who was serving in Iraq. For 18-months I kept to myself and just counted the days until my man was to come back home. Well, I got a special surprise one day when I answered the door and it was my boo. He was back a whole week earlier.
To make a long story short, he took me right then and there. The sex was off the chain. About three weeks after that I started having some female issues, so I went to my Gynecologist and I found out I had herpes and gonorrhea. I know I could have only gotten it from him because for the past four years he has been the only partner I have been with. When I confronted him about it he was not angry or surprised by it until I broke up with him.
Now, a whole year later I have been flirting with a guy in my office who has asked me out so many times it’s not even funny. I finally said yes and we have been going out and having fun for about three months now. We have not had any sexual contact yet, but I want to so bad. I have all the information about protection and how not to spread herpes, but my question is how do I even bring up the subject without him automatically thinking I am a skank or something? I don’t know too many black men that are willing to date someone who they know has an STD. – Stuck With A Disease
Dear Stuck With A Disease,
Damn! Damn! Damn! (In my Florida Evans voice). Now this is some ole’ low down dirty trifling bull-ish right here.
Please don’t tell me that that man is still breathing and walking! Honey, all of your cousins, brothers, and uncles should have whooped his MoFo behind!
Here you are being the dutiful girlfriend who stuck by her man’s side while he went off to war to fight for our country. You did the upright and admirable thing and held down the home front. I bet any amount of money that you supported him emotionally while he was away. You sent letters, cards, and care packages to him for the entire eighteen months he was in Iraq. You didn’t even stray outside of your relationship. You remained faithful. Yet, this disease infested trifling a** dirty dog is having sex with lawd knows who, and what, and comes back home and brings you a special package. One you can’t get rid of it.
Yeah, you would have been entitled to a “beat his a** and clip his nuts” get out of jail free card!
This should be a lesson for all women out there. If your man is out of your life for a period of time, i.e., overseas, prison, or wherever, and he comes back into your life, girl, until you’ve both been tested for all diseases and have gotten a clean bill of health from your doctor, please use condoms. Or better yet, don’t engage in sex until your results return!!
Okay, Ms. Thing, back to you. So, you want to know about the guy in the office who you’ve recently started dating and you haven’t had sex with yet, but you want to. You want to know how to bring up the subject matter without him thinking you’re a skank or something. But, what I am reading and interpreting from your questions is, if you should tell him about your herpes, or if you should take precautions and don’t say anything?
So, let me ask you this. The fact that your ex didn’t say anything to you and gave you herpes and gonorrhea, how do you feel about that? Didn’t you feel betrayed? Didn’t you feel deceived? I’m sure you were hurt, angry, bitter, and probably asked, “Why me?” So then, why would you do the same thing to someone else? Why would you not tell someone about the risks and potential harm you are putting them in? It’s called being selfish. It’s called being self-righteous, and arrogant. You don’t care about anyone else except you and what you are getting out of the situation. You are willing to put someone else’s health and life at risk because you want some sex to satisfy your own selfish pleasures. Girl, that is wrong. Be honest, upfront and tell the truth!
You want to know when to tell him about your situation? Ms. Honey, it’s time you tell him now. Today. Right now. This very moment. It’s been three months and you’ve been avoiding it because you’re afraid of what he is going to think. He deserves to know. He has a right to know. I am certain he wants to have sex with you, but I am clear, and very clear, that it is you who is putting him off because you’re afraid of how he will respond to your situation.
Don’t you dare wait until you have sex with him, and while he’s laid up next to you then you decide you want to become Ms. Truthful and Honest and tell him, “I have herpes, but it’s all good because we used condoms and I know all about the precautions.” Don’t be surprised if he jumps out of the bed, leaves you lying there, and never speaks to you again.
You have to tell him because it’s the right thing to do. You can’t worry about how he is going to respond or what he is going to think. You can explain to him what happened, how it happened, and that you are treating your herpes. However, it is up to him if he decides to stay in the relationship, or if he decides he wants to sleep with you. If you’re honest and tell him the truth, and educate him on the precautions to take, you never know how he’s going to respond.
So, Ms. Thing, I’m sorry about what happened to you, but, please don’t go around manipulating and deceiving others because you feel no one will love, or date you because you don’t want to disclose the fact that you have a disease that is infectious. That is trifling and low-down. Be a woman and be upfront about your situation. Don’t mislead others for your own selfish pleasures. In being honest and truthful you never know how your mate will respond. Respect, love, truth, and honesty goes a long way baby – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!