Dear Bossip: I Snooped & Learned He Was Cheating But He Didn't Apologize

Dear Bossip,

I have been dating this guy for at least a year. We’ve been to Las Vegas, Florida, and we club a lot together.

Our sex lives is at its best (OMG!) it really is. However, something isn’t letting my spirit rest with peace around him. Although, every day he tells me he loves me, I know most of his buddies, and his brother is like my brother. We are almost like best friends.

I’ve noticed frequent funny phone activities while we’re together. For example, he will use the phone, and if I even come close to him he turns it away so I can’t see the screen. He calls his assistant coach frequently and talks about weird things that happened during the game.

So, just last night I cooked a superb dinner for two. As I was cooking I still paid close attention to him. We sipped Cognac and I even entertained him sexually while I was preparing dinner. He still managed to use his phone.

Long story short, after dinner he fell asleep. I checked his phone and this man was on a dating website while I was cooking. The coach call ended up being a call to a female who texted and said to him, “You called and hung up. Is everything ok?”

This is supposed to be my man! So, I called one of the women whom I noticed he frequently texts and called. She then added also that he is at her house every day. I woke him up, and let him know that I browsed through his phone and that I was done with his low down ways. He said angrily why did I invade his privacy? He never said he was sorry for what I saw. Did I do the right thing? – Snooped And Discovered

Dear Ms. Snooped And Discovered,

Welp, I guess this is a done deal! It’s a wrap! Seal it with a bow and send it to the return counter.

What I do know is this: When you go looking for something you will find it. And, ma’am, you found it!

Were you wrong for going through his phone? Yes, you were. You did invade his privacy. You had no business going through his phone. You already had enough instincts to know something wasn’t right. You noticed his bizarre behaviors of how he was acting with his phone while you were together. Your red flag went up and your womanly intuition kicked in.

Then on top of it, you called the other woman to verify what you already knew. Bad idea! Why call her if you saw the text? Yes, I get it. You wanted to hear the other woman tell you what’s going on between them so when you confront your man you can have ammunition. You can throw it in his face what you know. Why torture yourself with the details? There is no need to put yourself through the agony of hearing the sexual details, or even the intimacies they shared with one another. It’s not worth it.

Besides, I never understand why folks never pay attention to their gut feelings and instincts about their relationships, and people. They are never generally wrong. That’s why we have them. They signal to us that something isn’t right, and there’s cause to be concerned. You keep your suspicions and perceptions in the forefront and be ever vigilant about the situation. Because whatever you’re concerned about will reveal itself eventually. They always do!

Now, instead of going through his phone, you should have sat him down and asked him to be honest with you about a few things. For instance, you should have said to him, I notice that when we’re together you act quite bizarre with your phone. You turn away from me so I won’t see the screen. You’re constantly on the phone talking with your assistant coach. And, I notice the conversations a tad bit off. Something is not sitting well with me, and call me crazy, but, I think you’re talking with another woman. As a matter of fact, I’d like to know if you’re cheating, and seeing other women, or another woman. I just want you to be honest with me so I can know how to deal with this information and situation and how to proceed further. Then you stand over him and spit, “And, furthermore, don’t you freaking lie to me because I will smack the dog –ish out of you.” (Naw, don’t say this last line. I just threw that in for extra measure for a scare tactic). LOL!

Now, yes, of course he could lie and tell you what you want to hear and that he’s not cheating. He’ll say that you’re crazy. And, nothing is going on. Blah blah blah. As most men do. But, trust and believe, in due time things have a way of revealing themselves. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.

And, the light is not necessarily snooping through your man’s phone. Or stalking his Facebook page, or Instagram page. It’s not figuring out his email password and going through his account. Chile, you know how some of you women are when it comes to your man. You’ll figure out a password in less than 5 minutes. LOL!  But, sometimes all you have to do is lay and wait. Most men are not the brightest when it comes to cheating and they always leave evidence of their dirty deeds. Chile, all you got to do is notice his behaviors, how he dresses, the more cologne he wears, his weird hours of disappearing, or when you ask him something the dumb-a** look on his face and his response of, “Huh?”

But, if you want to really find out if he is cheating, then this is when you play the naïve and unsuspecting girlfriend. You always keep one eye open, and the other on him. Then, you introduce the ole’ “Let’s exchange phones,” tactic. Yes, ma’am! One unsuspecting evening, and without any warning you let your man know that you’d like to exchange phones. This will give you prime opportunity for you to scroll through one another’s phones and see what’s been going on and check any activity that is out of the ordinary.

Now, if your man is hesitant, and says he’s not comfortable with exchanging phones and allowing you to go through his phone, then your red flags should be waving in the wind fabulous! He doesn’t trust what’s in his phone because he hasn’t had time to delete any messages, texts, or pictures sitting in his phone. He’s hiding something. You’ve caught him red-handed. Check that a**, check that a**, check that a**!

I hope that you are completely done with your man, and that you’ve moved on. The fact that the didn’t acknowledge his philandering ways, or even say he was sorry for what he did should let you know that he wasn’t sorry that he got caught. He was just sorry that he didn’t do a better job of hiding it from you. Therefore, the next time you’re in this situation, and hopefully there isn’t a next time, but, if you are then you please follow your instincts. Know your gut. They will always reveal to you what is unsettling and bizarre. They will always inform you that you should be on your guard. Pay attention to the red flags. And, take notice of his out-of-the-ordinary behaviors. He’s up to something, and it’s nothing good! – Terrance Dean

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