I would like to say that I love reading your letters. I am a 24 year old woman. I have my own place and a job that I love.
But, I find myself in a situation. I have been in my current relationship for the past year with a wonderful man. He is caring, ambitious, hard-working, and he supports me in everything I do! I love my boyfriend dearly and we have been talking about marriage recently. The problem is my mother doesn’t like him. She hates the fact that he is not an American, and she feels as if he is using me to stay in the country.
The thing is she hasn’t even met him, but only talked to him on the phone (she lives out of state). I have tried and tried to convince her that this is not his true intentions and his status has hardly ever come up in conversations between us. All I want is her to support my relationship, but she is so closed minded and will not give him a chance and ridicules me for being with him every chance she gets!
I have told her that I am happy with him and she doesn’t care and it’s killing me simply because I’m all that my mother has. And, for me to stop speaking to her over this seems crazy, but I’m at the end of the rope. How can I get her to understand that I’m not going to leave him? I feel as if I’m caught in the middle and I don’t know what to do. What is your advice? – Caught Between A Rock And A Hard Place
Dear Ms. Caught Between A Rock And A Hard Place,
Girl, I’m concerned too that his status has hardly ever come up in your conversations. In the year that you’ve been with this “wonderful man,” you mean to tell me that not at one time the topic has come up about his status here in the United States? You don’t know if he is here illegally, or if his visa is about to expire? You don’t know the extent of his immigration papers, but you’re talking about marriage? Uhm, boo boo, I’m going to need you to get your life and wake up!
Yes, your mother is concerned because she doesn’t want to see you get used, and get hurt. She is just being a mother. And, you know that the mother’s wit and intuition can be spot on when they depict something that is unsettling. So, to calm her nerves, her instincts, and her judgments about a man she has never met; how about you have a real conversation with him about his immigration status. It’s time you two had an authentic conversation about his visa, his intentions, and what his plans are for the future between you. Honey, it’s time to lay everything on the table and see his hand. We don’t do trick bags around here!
Look. I get it. We find someone, fall in love, and we can’t help who we love. But, don’t let love cloud your judgment and ability to see something that is so obvious. Don’t be foolish in love, and let your feelings and emotions take over your sensibilities to make rational choices and decisions. And, definitely don’t let d**k get you confused and stuck on stupid. I’ve seen it happen too many times when good d**k comes into play. You’ll lose your damn mind. And, he’s F’ing for permanent residency. He’ll pull out every bedroom position, trick, and thrust to get that visa! LOL!
Ask yourself these questions, if this was your mother and she was dating a man who is not from this country, and you had never met the man, and your mom told you that they never talk about his immigration status, would that not cause you some concern? Would you not question that man’s intent, and wonder why he is dating your mother? Let’s change the scenario. What if it was your best friend, and she was dating a man for a year and he wasn’t from this country. And, what if you never met him, but she proclaimed her love for him and as the good friend that you are, you ask her about his immigration status. She tells you that they don’t ever talk about it, or it rarely comes up. Uhm, you don’t think that your red flags would start waving and the bells going off? You’ll be like, “Girl, what the hell! What is your problem? What do you mean it hardly comes up? You better find out what his intentions are, and if he is just using you to stay in this country!”
Yes, you would be concerned for both your mother and best friend. So, rightly so, your mother is concerned about you. You are her only daughter. She loves you and wants to do everything to protect you from getting hurt. And, granted, you are grown. You are an adult woman who can make her own decisions and choices about her life, relationships, and men. So, you can do you and not care about what others think. And, your mother will probably never like any man you date. But, just work to ease her mind. That’s all she wants.
And, she may never be satisfied or even like him. But, if you sit with your man, talk everything out in regards to his immigration status, and you’re happy and satisfied with what he has to say, then that is all that matters. Your mother will have to get over it, and hopefully over time she will come to like him. But, here’s an idea, how about you and your man travel to where she lives so she can meet him in person. That way all of you can spend some quality time together and she can get to see what a wonderful man that he is to you. I mean think about it, you’ve been dating this man over a year and your mother hasn’t even met him. And, he is not from this country. I don’t know any parent who wouldn’t be thinking something isn’t right or settling about the situation. Besides, why are you hiding him? Or, does he not want to meet your mother? I’m just asking. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!