Dear Bossip: I’m Secretly Seeing Another Man & I’m Torn Between Them

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. He’s 26 and I’m 23.

He hasn’t had a job in 3 years and we live together. I’ve paid every single bill and supported him throughout this time. About 4 years ago, I met someone else while I was with my current boyfriend. And, at a point in time we were in love, but because of me being in a relationship, he eventually moved on and got a girlfriend.

Four years later, we still keep in contact and see each other a couple times a month. We’ve never had sex, but there have been a couple close encounters. He’s always on my mind and he says that I’m always on his. Now he’s single and he wants me to choose because he feels like we could be serious – and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way. He has his life together and knows what he wants. We have everything in common. He’s very affectionate when we’re together, but can be distant towards me when we’re not around each other because he’s protecting his feelings.

My boyfriend tries. He cleans the house and cooks once or twice out of the week and does what I ask of him to compensate for not bringing in any money. He’s been looking for a job and getting interviews, just no job to show for it. I know that I’m young and I shouldn’t limit myself to being in a committed relationship if I’m not completely happy. But, because of all that we’ve been through together, I do love him. I just don’t know if he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. His drive and motivation isn’t what I want in a man, but we’ve been together since we were kids. He’s my first real love and it’s hard to move on from that. I hate that I’ve turned him into my “safety net.”  I feel like we could be something if he got his life together, but I can’t wait forever.

I’m tired of being in this “love triangle” and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I know I’ll eventually have to make a decision. – Ms. Torn

Dear Ms. Torn,

Uhm, sweetie, three years is a long time to be living with someone and they don’t have a job, and you’re paying all the bills. Basically, you’re his mother. You’re his home away from home.

You’re too young to be playing house with someone that you’re not even married to! Yes, I get it that you’ve been together since you were kids, and he’s your first real love. That’s cute and all! But, ma’am, you’re carrying him, and if he doesn’t get a job soon, you’re going to continue and keep what you’re doing – EMOTIONALLY CHEATING! And, eventually you will end up physically cheating.

You’re just a step away from laying up with the other guy. You’re already meeting up with him, going out, having casual physical encounters, and he’s given you an ultimatum. Which means he wants to make you his woman, and it’s putting you in an uncompromising position. But, what is happening is that your mind wants to do the rational thing, however, your heart wants to do the emotional thing.

This conflict will continue to play out in your present relationship because you’re resenting your boyfriend not having a job. You’re tired of taking care of everything, paying all the bills, being the momma, the caregiver, and the lover. You want someone to take care of you, treat you like a woman, take you out, take over the bills, and be a man.

If you’re not happy in the relationship – then leave. If he doesn’t have the motivation and drive you like and want – then leave. If you can’t wait forever – then leave. Hell, you’ve already waited three years. And, that’s three years too damn long!

So, until you have an authentic conversation with your boyfriend about what is going on, you will continue to cheat on him. You have to be honest with him and tell him the truth. Let him know how you feel, and why you feel the way you do. Talk with him about the feelings you have and the damage it is doing to your relationship.

Then, you let your boyfriend know he has a deadline date to find a job. He has three months to get a job, or he is going to have to go back home to his momma and she can take care of him. It’s time that you put down the law, and create some boundaries. He needs more fire under his a**! Let him know that you love him, but you can’t keep carrying him. He has to take some responsibility for himself, and be a man!

I don’t agree with all this babying these grown a** men! I get that the economy is in the toilet and jobs are scarce. Yes, times are hard. But, three years without a job!!! No ma’am. Somebody is hiring. Girl, these men get comfortable after about a year and they don’t want to work. They enjoy sitting at home. They get to live in the story they’ve created and complain that no one is hiring. Don’t you believe that damn lie!

Many fast food restaurants are always hiring. Many hotels are always hiring. Many department stores are always hiring. Many grocery stores are always hiring. Hell, he can even register through a temp agency. And, if he is getting interviews but not the jobs, he should consider attending a free community class on interviewing skills. It could be him and his inability to interview well.

The point I’m making is there is no excuse that after three years he’s still sitting in your house, while you get up and go out and work every day. Somebody got the damn game twisted. I’ll be damn if you’ll sit up in my house all day while I’m at work! He could have graduated from a community college in all this damn time! Girl, get your mind right, and don’t be too foolish to this situation.

And, he may sound like a great guy, and that he’s motivated, and he’s gotten interviews. He even cooks and cleans, but, hell, he ain’t got –ish else to do, so he should be cooking and cleaning!!! And, he should be doing it more than once a damn week!

You also mentioned that your boyfriend has become your “safety net.” Uhm, a safety net is a man who is capable, able, and has the wherewithal to take care of you emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. Your man tends to be lacking in a few of those areas. So, he’s not your safety net. You’re his safety net! BOOM! BAM! POW!

In regards to the other guy. Leave him alone! End the relationship and keep it moving. He may have it going on, and he may be everything you desire in a man. However, ending one relationship and jumping into another is not healthy for you or him. As you’ve stated, you’ve been with your current boyfriend for a number of years, and there is history. It’s not going to end simply because you’re in a new relationship. You will bring your ex into your present relationship, and you will find yourself going back and forth between these two men.

Take the time to work on you. Be alone. Enjoy yourself. And, get to know who you are really are outside of being with a man. Find out who you are as a woman. Independent. Single. And, living life on your terms. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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