I am a 35-year old single female who has 5 children of which 1 is deceased, and I am raising my grandson.
I work very hard. I am very independent and working hard to finish school for pediatric RN. My dilemma is that I was with my twins’ father for over five years, then we lost our daughter. He not only went outside of our relationship, but had a baby girl and named her close to my deceased daughter’s name. Of course he lied about all of it. I found out the truth not just by intuition, but a family member of his confirmed it.
I was crushed. I mean I was already going through a lot in my life. Now, he’s locked up of course, and he’s trying to beg my forgiveness and all, and the Jones, as well as karma has struck. He married that b***h, and she’s the reason he’s in there. I have written him to get it off my chest how I felt about all of it, and it even helped a little. Part of me hates his guts and the other part wonders what if?
Now, I have been seeing this guy whom I enjoy greatly, or shall I say we enjoy each other’s company. He said he didn’t want a relationship, but never wants to leave me or my home even though he has a residence. The good thing is that we are both single, but we do work together. He’s a mechanic and I’m a bus driver, and we are both very private people who keep it professional at work at all times.
I feel torn because I still have some love for the man who dogged me. I’m unsure why, but I do. A part of me wants to see what could happen, but I know I won’t ever forget all that he’s done to hurt my children and I. Then, I find myself becoming more attached to the man I’m seeing. And, if he wanted to settle down I would in a heartbeat because he makes me happy in many ways. However, my fear is if he doesn’t want to do that then I would for the first time in my life go back to the man who hurt me because I already know what to expect. Now, I have no problems being alone, but I work hard and do so much for others that I feel that I’m deserving of having something just for me. Please give your honest opinion on what I should do. – In Limbo
Dear Ms. In Limbo,
Ma’am, you’re 35-years old with five children, and one grandchild! I’m not falling into this trap today!
In regards to these men, please stop! Stop everything! Stop letting these men use you. Stop giving your all to men who won’t give their all to you. And, stop lowering your standards because the value of men you’re attracting is showing your worth!
Girl, this letter is too damn much! First, let’s address your ex. He stepped out of your relationship and had a baby, then, he named the child almost the same as your deceased child. Let me do some whoosas and get my holy oil! Now, he could have done it because he was grieving like you were. And, he possibly wanted to remember his child. However, the fact that he did it with another woman outside of your relationship is trifling and low down. You should have slapped the –ish out of him! Then, he married the other woman!!! Oh, Miss Thang, there is no reprieve for him. Let his a** rot in jail!
Move on and forget about him. He’s only calling you because he’s feeling bad and guilty because he’s in jail! And, he’s calling you because you were good to him and he’s filling your head with all the should ofs, could ofs, and would ofs. Well, all of that is what he should of, could of, would of done if he’d recognized what he had before he stepped out and cheated on you! Tell him to go kick rocks and take several seats next to Bubba!
In those five years you were with him he didn’t treat you like the woman you deserve to be. He didn’t put a ring on your finger, make you feel special, or shower you with love and affection. So, he got what he deserved. He wanted to go out and lay with another woman, and he felt that she was worth marrying, and now he’s in jail for his choices. Don’t feel bad for his consequences. It’s not your fault! Besides, why would you want to be with a man who cheated on you, had a child with another woman and named his child close to your deceased child’s name, didn’t tell you about it, and he married her? Girl, please stop drinking the nut juice from his nut sac! It’s not healthy for you. Stop feeling guilty, and thinking about what could happen or what type of life you’ll have with him. It’ll end up in doom!!!
Let’s move on. The man you’re currently dating is just as trifling and no good! The hell he wants to lay up in your house and he got his own home, and then he tells you that he doesn’t want to leave you, but he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Girl, he made that up! Put that man out of your house, and out of your life! If you’re good enough to lay up with and good enough to lay up in your house, then you should be good enough to be his woman! STOP MINIMIALIZING YOURSELF AND ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE USED!
Ugh! I don’t get it! You say you’re deserving and worthy, yet, you let these men take advantage of you. Don’t be desperate and thirsty for a man! Men can smell a woman who has low self-esteem, and no self-worth. They prey on women like you because they know you’ll do anything to keep a man, or to have a man. And, they will use you, take advantage of you, and after you’re all used up he will find another woman to do the same thing to! Stop it! Stop it today!
And, as I’ve said before, stop fraternizing and sleeping with men you work with!!! It’s not cute! I don’t care how professional you may be, and how private you are. Don’t –ish where you work!! It will end up badly! You’re co-workers, not co-workers with benefits! Well, he’s benefitting off you! He’s using you for sex, and he wants to lay up in your nice home because I’m sure his raggedy home is not as clean or stocked with food like yours. Your home is your sanctuary. It’s not a rescue mission for lowly free-loading bum a** men who got their own –ish! Put him out and end this relationship.
It’s time to focus and work on you. It’s time to spend some quality time alone and work on your value and worth. You’re in school working toward earning your RN license, then why don’t you make that your focus. Men will come. They will always be around. Especially those who want to bum and mooch off you. And, definitely those who want to just use your body for their personal pleasure. Uhm, sweetie, your worth and value is not tied to your vagina! Find a man who is willing to invest in you as a whole – your mind, your intelligence, your grace, your dignity, and your spirit. So, until then, it’s time to be alone. Find a spiritual outlet, a church home, and some positive motivating people who will lift you, celebrate you, and inspire you. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!