Dear Bossip: After Three Years Of Marriage I Think I Married Mr. Wrong

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I have been married for three years. We are both in our late 20’s and are having the worst problems.

When we first married I lost my father, and my husband was semi there for me. But, there were warning signs of him not being the one. He would drink every weekend so much that he wouldn’t come home the next day and never could tell me where he was. Women showed up at our door saying they slept with him, but I was so grief stricken I believed him and not them. I felt if we got married things would change between us. NOT! Things got worst. He would party every weekend, not come home, and I would find text messages and phone calls in the early mornings to other women. I left him for about two weeks during our year and half of marriage. He changed a little. But, it was also going into wintertime so of course he wanted to stay home.

For these past three years of our marriage he has been in and out of jobs. So, I have had the only income. Yes, he cooked and worked around the house, but all that stopped this past year. His father passed away unexpectedly. It was like my husband’s life was turned upside down. He was raised by his father from ages 11-18. They were extremely close. Now, my husband has been left with all this money from insurance and acts like he could care less about me or this marriage. He says he has other things to worry about. I have been finding him texting other women, confirmed he has met up with a few of them. But, I have no confirmation he has slept with any of them. He says it’s due to my mouth, and if I would stop talking so much he would be around more. Yes, I have a mouth sharper than a razor. My tongue can cut through knives. But, I only lash out because I am hurt. I am hurt from the physical abuse, the cheating, the lying, and the emotional abuse. I know he has a lot of issues. And, I have always been known to want to save the world. I know he can be the man I need him to be. He has potential and I can see it in him. But, he said he will never change. This is who he was when I married him.

I want to help him, I love him. I think I just don’t want to give up on the marriage since I am so young. And, maybe if he seeks counseling maybe he can change for the better. What do I do? – In love with Mr. Wrong

Dear Ms. In Love With Mr. Wrong,

Chile, I truly don’t get you people. Why are you all so against marriage counseling prior to getting married, and even after? Don’t they still offer those classes and sessions for couples who are considering walking down the aisle? Isn’t it still possible for folks to meet with their pastors and get some spiritual and marriage counseling so couples can see if they are the right match, and any issues or concerns can be resolved before marrying?

Honey, y’all will meet someone one week, and by next week you’re planning the marriage. You don’t know anything about each other except that the sex is off the chain. And, all of a sudden you’re in love and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with them. Get the freak out here with that bull-ish!!!

And, some of you women around here with this “savior complex,” and want to save the damn world need a damn reality check. The hell! You’re not superwoman. You’re not even supergirl. You want to save someone else’s life, but your life is a horrid mess. The hell you look like trying to help someone else when you need some damn help yourself? If you’re spiritually, mentally, and emotionally broken then how the hell can you be of some assistance and help to someone else? How about saving your own damn selves, and working on you and your low self-esteem.

Peep the video, “Worry About Yourself!” Please take heed and follow the instructions of this little girl. She’s got more sense than some of you grown a** women!

Here’s the sad part: You’re trying to build him into the man you want him to be. Well, what about the man he already is, and the man HE wants to be? Have you thought about what he wants and who he wants to become? And, then you sit your simple self up here and say, “He has potential and I can see it in him.” Uhm, sweetie, I’ve said this a thousand times, STOP DATING THE POTENTIAL IN PEOPLE. You women get so caught up in the potential of a man, and who you see him becoming, but if that is not his vision, or idea, or dream, or desire, then he will never be your potential, or the man you want him to be. STOP IT! Who he is today, he will be tomorrow. It’s as simple as that.

And, if you have proof that your husband is cheating on you with other women, either texting, staying out late, and random women showing up at your door claiming they slept with him, then why are you sitting your dumba** over there waiting for some actual physical proof? Leave his a**!!!

In the three years you’ve been together your husband has consistently been seeking out other women, texting and having relations, and he has been physically, mentally, and verbally abusive, then in what year do you think he will change, ma’am? If his behavior has been consistent for three years then I want you to take a look at your marriage and your husband and you tell me what is consistent about him? Because I see it. Chile, you better change your mantra from “Change we can believe in,” to “Change made me leave!”

I’m a firm believer that some folks don’t belong together. Yes, you can love someone, but you don’t have to be with them to love them. You can love someone from a distance and maintain your sanity and health. Some people do more harm when they are with you, than apart.

Look, your marriage is poisonous. You both are hurting one another and going on these vicious attacks to get one over on the other person. Hurt people hurt people. And, it’s clear that you’re both hurting. And, you don’t know how to resolve the issues and problems other than attack one another because you don’t see one another as your partner, or spouse, but as some random person who is out to personally attack and destroy you. You are his wife, and he is your husband. If you and he are serious about saving your marriage, then explore a professional licensed marriage counselor. You both have some unresolved issues and a counselor, or therapist, can help you address them. If he is unwilling, and he continues with his behavior, which to me shows his lack of respect, and love for you, then you should explore divorcing him. He clearly is, and does not take into consideration your feelings, and emotions.

And, if he’s particularly physically and verbally abusive, then definitely leave his a**! No one should put up with a spouse who calls them out of their name and puts their hands on them. Be the change you want and deserve. Stop waiting on him to change. You teach people how to treat you, and if someone continues to berate and demean you, then you taught them how to treat you. And, both you and I know that you don’t deserve to be treated any ole’ kind of way. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
        

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