I have a 2 problem question. First, I been married for a year next month and I love my wife and I am willing to do anything that makes her happy, but she is asking for something that I feel is too much.
I have been faithful since day one, and I am providing a life that she and I want, but I do not feel fulfilled in my marriage.
It’s not as much of what she is asking, but what she is not doing. She does not like to please me orally. I can count on both hands how many times I have gotten it, and neither was enjoyable. I please my wife orally every time we have had intercourse. I don’t try and force her and after a while I just gave up asking. But now I find myself wanting it, and I’m on the internet watching porn just desiring that feeling again. I don’t know what to do. At times I want to ask her why did she get married if she was not willing to please me sexually like I want. I don’t want to step out on her, but the thought has crossed my mind and I have found myself even looking trying to meet women online that can satisfy my desire.
I got into a conversation with a few of my friends and an uncle of mine last week. Without giving so much information about what it was that was going on in my marriage, we got on the subject of oral sex between a husband and wife. My friends said they will have a side piece and get it from there, my uncle said he’s never had that problem because his wife pleases him and never has he or she stepped out in their marriage. It got me thinking that I love being pleased as much as I love pleasing. I thought that once I got married she would have had a change of heart, but now it’s nothing. What do I do? I fear the thought of cheating and going out and getting it in the streets and bringing home a STD to my wife. But, I have to release some stress from my everyday life. I wonder if she has ever heard of the old saying, “What you won’t do for your man there is a woman willing to do it.” So, will I be wrong if I got what I desire? She gets what she wants sometimes without even asking for it.
I’ve been able to maintain over the years because of a habit I have that she wants me to give up, which is I love to smoke weed. I don’t do it around her, and for all I know she probably thinks I have stopped. But I haven’t. This is a weekly thing for me. It helps me to escape the problems of the day and deal with the fact my sex life is not all that pleasing to me. I can go weeks and months without sex, but I will die if I can’t roll up at least once or twice a week. Before we got married she wanted me to stop, but I couldn’t get oral sex, so a blunt is what I do to relieve the stress. That’s why I feel she is asking too much. I can give up one, preferably weed, but I gotta get oral weekly, and now that she is pregnant, our sex life has slowed down. Help a brother out before I do something I will regret and I do know how bad weed is and all that stuff being illegal, but I don’t want to be in a marriage and miserable. Please help. – Horny And High
Dear Mr. Horny And High,
WOW! Really? Wow! Reading your letter made me want to roll up a blunt, and I don’t even smoke. I guess I will have to settle for my natural high and meditate.
There are a few things I noticed in your letter, and my brother, this is a doozy. You and your wife will have been married for a year next month. You’re newlyweds, and you’re already not feeling fulfilled in your marriage. You’re not getting sex on the regular. She doesn’t please you orally. You’ve been considering stepping out and getting a side piece to fulfill your desires. And, you’re smoking weed to help you deal with your sexual frustration.
Now, I want you to notice my paragraph and re-read it. Everything you’re struggling with in your marriage is based on S-E-X. Which will create other issues and problems in your marriage. However, S-E-X is the catalyst. And, your lack of being pleased is a result of your non-communication with your wife. So, with no communication in the marriage because folks love to assume, and when you assume you do what people? (You make an ass out of u and me). No communication will result in you doing foolish things like making foolish mistakes. And, this will have you in the situation you’re in now, like considering stepping out on your wife when you’ve been faithful. Therefore, when you don’t communicate you create and bring drama and stress in your life.
With drama and stress come resentment, anger, and bitterness. What will happen is that you will start making her wrong for everything, and it will all be due to the underlying factor that she doesn’t perform orally. For example, when she doesn’t do the dishes because she’s too tired, you will say, “Oh, she can’t do the dishes, but she can cook. And, she’ll let me perform orally on her, but she can’t give me some head.” When she drives to the store to go get groceries you’ll say, “Oh, she can go to the grocery store and shop, but she can’t give me any head.” When she’s watching television and laughing you’ll say to yourself, “Oh, she can laugh and think that’s funny, but she can’t give me head.” And, when she’s doing the laundry you’ll say, “Oh, she can do the laundry and fold the clothes, but she can’t give me head.” LMBAO! You see where I am going with this?
You folks will make up all these stories in their head and make the other person wrong because YOU won’t open YOUR mouth and speak up. But, you will roll up a blunt, and puff puff don’t pass, because it’s all her fault. Doesn’t that sound foolish and illogical to you? (Twiddling my thumbs as you think).
You made mention in your letter you thought once you got married she would change. Uhm, boo boo, why would you think she would change after you got married? If she wasn’t giving you head and slobbing on your knob like a champion before you got married, then why did you think she would all of sudden pull out her Heavyweight Champion Belt for Oral Skills and give you the business? You’re not that slow. If she wasn’t doing it before you got married, then she certainly is not going to do it afterward.
I am going to say this S-L-O-W for all of you out there who are in relationships: Communication is key! You can’t assume someone knows what you’re thinking, or how you’re feeling if you don’t speak up. You must COMMUNICATE with your mates about everything. Yes, just like you’re running to your friends and uncle and discussing sex and women, then run to your wife and discuss your sex life. Instead of hopping your horny a** on the internet, and scouring the videos, why don’t you hop your a** to a bookstore, library, a sex class, or the sex store. And, take your wife! How about you talk with your wife about exploring ways she can sexually please you, and in particular the desire to be orally pleased.
Also, you’ve got to consider there are some women who just don’t like it. They can do without it, and would probably prefer not to engage in it all. I mean, come on, the few times she did indulge you it was not enjoyable or pleasurable. You have to teach her how to please you. There are lots of books (Kama Sutra, oral, and other sexual books) that can help your wife learn the art and craft of fellatio. I suggest you sit down with her, and explain to her what’s going on, how you’re feeling, and express your desires. Because if you keep thinking about getting your fulfillment someplace else, trust me, you will go out and find someone to do it. And, yes I do agree, what one woman won’t do, another will. The next thing you know you will find yourself in some dark alley, in the back of your car, in some park, or in a trick bag, and it won’t be pretty when you’re burning your wife with your tainted penis. It’s not worth it!
Your situation can be resolved, but you have to speak up and say something. Engage her, and make it a fun and romantic evening with her so she may feel comfortable and happy to please you. Get some flavored lubricants (they come in all flavors), or whip cream, chocolate syrup, jellies, or anything to help make the experience exciting and enticing. I personally will get the whip cream and chocolate syrup and let her make a sundae banana float (Notice the imagery).
Now, to you and your weed fixation. Chile, I can’t! Lawd, you’re going to tell me that weed takes the edge off so you won’t feel horny, and relieve the pressures of your day. Miss me with that one. You smoke weed because you want to. Not because of her and your situation. Don’t make it about her. And, my brother, my brother, my brother, you said you have been smoking weed for years, trust me, you’re not going to give it up. I don’t care if she is dropping to her knees on a daily basis and tea bagging you from behind, you won’t stop smoking weed. It’s your drug, your addiction, and even if you did stop, it would be briefly and then you’ll be back to smoking saying you need it for some other purpose. Stop making excuses and be honest with yourself, and your wife. You’re lying to her, and I don’t think she’s that naïve to think you’ve given it up just because you don’t do it around her. Folks really wear me out thinking other folks are slow and dumb, or just plain oblivious. Homie, she can smell it on you! And, Mr. I-Need-Weed-To-Cope-Because-I’m-A-Junky-For-It, when you smoke weed or use any drug it gets in your skin and pores. So, when you sweat or excrete guess what you smell like? Yes, you big dummy!
Look, Mr. Horny And High, the best solution is YOU! Be honest with your wife and express to her what’s going on with you. And, looking to go get you a sidepiece has got to be the dumbest idea you mentioned. Think with your big head and not your little head. That’s why men get caught up it’s because you’re too busy letting your little head think for you. Wake your a** up and get some damn sense! As a matter of fact, go tet some books on fellatio training and servicing. Share them with your wife, and express to her how it can be an enjoyable and pleasurable experience for the both of you. Get those flavored lubricants, and explore with other flavored condiments. I’m sure she will find one she loves working with.
Stop listening to your friends. They will have you stuck on stupid and when your behind gets busted they will be laughing at you while they are still creeping and cheating. You seem much smarter than that, and I commend you on being a good man for your wife. You really seem like a stand-up guy.
Leave the porn sites alone!!! I will call Comcast and have them cancel your internet subscription. Because this is what I believe, if you’re watching porn, and you’re thinking about stepping out, then guess what? You eventually will do it. And, then you will find yourself doing it again and again because it will seem so easy at first. But, trust me, bringing in another woman into the mix of your marriage, someone’s feelings will get involved and hurt, and the next thing you know your jump-off will be calling your house breaking everything down for your wife. LEAVE IT ALONE!
And, finally, because I got to go meditate and get my high on, tell your wife about the weed. And, find some other source to take you on another plane. Yes, I know you feel weed is good, and it makes you relaxed, and you can’t be without it, but what about for the sake of your wife? What about for the sake of your marriage? We all have our vices, but you’re in your marriage as a team, and not a solo player. If you’re lying, sneaking, and being deceptive guess what will happen when you discover she’s been doing the same? BAM! BOOM! Don’t get mad when you the shoe is on the other foot. So, get your act together, start communicating with your wife, and teach her how to make you feel good – yes, tell her no teeth, open her mouth, and, let me hush….She’s got to earn her own Heavyweight Champion Belt for Oral Skills. –Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!