Dear Bossip: My Man Had A Baby With A Woman Who Is 40 & He’s 25!

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

So, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years.

We both work and go to school, and try our best to take care of our children. But, the man I thought he was has completely took a turn.

Last year, June 3, 2012, I found out he had a baby on me. I am 24-years old and he is 25-years old. The other woman is 40-years old, and after getting the complete details of their relationship it was all fun and games. And, it’s a shame because neither one had enough respect for themselves to use protection, but now they have a child that has to go through loops and holes because of their dumb behinds.

I also found out that he has had several affairs with other woman. I was 6 month pregnant when I found out and it put me through a lot of stress, and actually so much stress that I delivered a month earlier. I love him and my girls love him, but I am still not over the whole situation and don’t know what to do. I still cry. I still hurt. I try talking to him but it gets nowhere. He says that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but in my head three kids and then no relationship, all my children are with him, and we love him dearly.

He has this other side that is sneaky and he doesn’t care many times it seems. I’m tired and have drained myself a lot with all that he has put me through. I just want to let go because it’s like he is not trying to change or work anything out. I told him that he and his other baby mom do not have to be friends to take care of that child, and I don’t want him in her house or riding around with her. They are not allowed to do anything together because they are not a family, but it drives me crazy because I know he has to converse with her because of the little girl. But, I’m just used to it being me and mine not some whore behind ole lady looking for a young check.

Let’s make it clear that she has 9 children with 9 different men. She collects child support checks for a few of them $400-$500 for each, and now she gets $400 from him. She says she doesn’t care for him, but still causes us problems. I just can’t keep tabs on him. I don’t have the energy and time to waste especially if he already knows.

I asked myself a thousand times what did I do for him to go out and cheat multiple times with multiple women. I cook. I clean. I take care of the kids. I work. I’m in college. I make sure home is taking care of. We have sex on the regular, and it is great on both parts. You don’t find many young women like me and I feel like he has walked over me. I don’t trust him with her, but I know nothing that goes on with him because he keeps everything in his phone which I’m not even allowed to touch. And, the baby mom is so desperate she will lie for him. I just don’t know, but I’m lost in love and hurt. It’s caused me so much pain. What do I do? I see that you are a very honest person and straight forward and that’s what’s best for me. – Where Do I Go

Dear Ms. Where Do I Go,

Ma’am, you can cook, clean, take care of the kids, work, go to school, own your own business, run the world, and make love to him every day. But, you cannot make a boy into a man! I’m sorry, but you women taking on the roles of surrogate mothers to these little a** boys, only keeps them in the role of little a** boys. They have not been taught how to be men, or how to act as men and be responsible. So, all you’re doing is becoming a second mother to them, weaning them on your tit, babying them, running after them, scolding them, chastising them, and hoping they will get it together. Sounds familiar?

He’s a dog. He’s a cheater. He’s a whore. He’s a liar. He’s a deceiver. These are things you must tell yourself the truth about him. When you see the truth, speak the truth, then you can handle the truth accordingly. It’s important to not be in denial, or tell yourself something that isn’t the reality. Yes, he may have been good to you at one point, and a great father to his children, but how he is treating you and his children with what he is doing, and how he’s going about it only sets you up for doom. And, his children only see their father as a cheater, and a man who stepped out on their mother. So, what lessons will they learn? I swear you folks don’t think about the children in these instances, and the selflessness of your ignorance.

And, I get it, you’ve been with your man for six years and have children together. I get it. You’ve invested in him, believed him, and hoped you would build a life with him. Chile, you only get one pity party with me, and then I’m turning on the lights and putting folks out! I’m not going to sit around and boo hoo and weep. No ma’am. Not over a man! Especially a man who’s told you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Uhm, sweetie, as hard as that is to hear, and as hard it is to walk away from someone you’ve given your time, energy, body, and soul to, you’re going to have to muster the strength to walk away and let him go! Stop holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held! Stop trying to make someone be with you who doesn’t want to be with you! And, if someone wants to walk out of your life, please, please, please give them their luggage, and let them walk out!

You say you’re tired. You say that you’re drained. You say that you don’t have the energy to run after him, make him do right, or be the man you want him to be. Then stop. Stop trying to make him the man YOU want. Stop running behind him. Stop giving him your energy, time, or body, and you will replenish yourself. Focus all that energy on yourself and your children. Focus on bringing you and your kid’s joy and happiness. If you keep waiting on him you will wear yourself out, and you will become bitter, angry, and depressed. And, you’re already on the brink because your letter is wreaking of the symptoms.

You’re writing bashing him and the other woman. Well, the other woman has nothing to do with this. You don’t know what your man told her. He probably lied to her and didn’t tell her he was in a relationship. They both chose not to use condoms. But, your man knew better. He stepped out his relationship with you. He is the culprit. So, going after her is not going to solve your problems. Get over it, and her! And, as a matter of fact, she is going to be involved in his life for the next 18 years, and collecting a check. So, she is the smart one. You’re the one trying to turn a hoe into a husband! SMDH! Girl, you better get a grip and start collecting the other remaining half of his checks before he gets another woman pregnant and she takes the other half.

So, baby girl, you’re going to have devise an exit plan, and it starts today. Today you let him go, and you tell yourself that it’s not worth it to have a boy who is not a man. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a little boy who is still playing games and looking for his momma? You’re not a surrogate, and you didn’t sign up to play one. Since he won’t let you touch his phone, and  he doesn’t want you to know what he’s doing, where’s he been, and, he’s sleeping with other women, yet, he is still living with you, then you take his a** to court and apply for child support. Handle your business accordingly, as he is apparently handling his. Then, put him out. Let him go live with his momma, or his other baby momma. But, you cannot take care of him while he is running the streets. Put an end to that –ish today! You are not responsible for raising someone else’s child. And, if you keep running after him, trying to get him to commit to you, and make him do what you want him to do, then you are trying to raise another child. STOP IT! Work on you. Love you enough to walk away. Love your children enough to walk away. Find a spiritual family, or a church to join, and replenish your soul. It’s time to let yourself be nourished in goodness, joy, happiness, and peace. Give to yourself, and you will eventually move on from him. It will take time, but once you do you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.  TRUST ME! – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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