Dear Bossip: I'm In School & A Virgin, But I'm Talking To A Guy In The Military & I'm Afraid I Won't Fulfill His Needs

Dear Bossip,

First, let me say that I love the advice you give to us women who sometimes need help on how to understand and relate to men.

I come to you with a problem of my own. I am twenty years old (soon to be twenty-one), a senior in college, and a VIRGIN! I will admit it bothers me at times that out of my group of friends, I’m the only one not getting any, but I usually just laugh at the jokes and explain my reasons why I’m waiting. And, I’m tired of meeting guys who say they respect my decision, but continue to try and pressure me. But this is my question: Is having sex really that important in a relationship? I mean, everyone continues to tell me how I should have been and lost it, and questioning me about what I’m waiting for. But, I’m also continually told that sex is not that big of a factor when it comes to a relationship.

There’s more to this story. I’ve been talking to this guy, “A.V.,” who’s in the military, currently stationed in Afghanistan and has been “sexually frustrated” for almost a year now. We talk on a daily basis, and I told him how I’m sexually inactive and he explained how that’s one of the first things he’s looking forward to when he comes back home. I really like this guy, and I don’t want to jeopardize our current or future relationship because I can’t meet his needs. Can you please help provide some insight about this major topic, because I honestly can’t meet a guy who is interested in all of me, not just what they “think” I can do for them. — Sexually Confused

Dear Sexually Confused,

Bravo! Clap, clap! I commend you for being able to hold your own as a twenty year old, in college, and a VIRGIN! I mean, you haven’t allowed the pressures of your friends and their jokes to get to you. Let them laugh and joke. Girl, let me tell you, you are the sane one. You have your head on straight and can see through the lines and bull-ish of these guys trying to run game on you with.

I read, hear, and know of so many young women who have gone away to college and lost their damn minds, virginity, and have became pregnant. They end up dropping out of school, and the guy they are strung out on is still in school and screwing every other girl on campus. You’ll be amazed at some of the stories I hear. Or, better yet, these young girls are sneaking off campus wearing disguises with the big baseball caps and sunglasses going to the free clinic because of some disease they’ve contracted. Honey, you are not missing a thing!

Is sex that important in a relationship? Well, it depends on who you are in a relationship with. If that is the only connection you have with a guy, then that is not a relationship. You are sex buddies. I feel sex sometimes blurs the lines in relationships. People often misconstrue sex with love. Just because he can put it down in the bedroom, make your toes curl, have you screaming with multiple orgasms, or he may know of a few tricks here and there, that doesn’t mean or equate to love. Sex is sex. It’s something you do. Some people feel and use sex as a way to prove to someone how much they like them, or to make themselves feel pretty, acceptable, and to keep a man. Girl, when sex is used as a negotiating tool that is not good. Sex should never be used as a determining factor for a relationship. Especially if a guy tells you he respects your decision, yet he keeps pressuring you to go to bed with him. Get the blanket-blank-blank out of here!

Relationships and love is all about Be-ing. The ability to BE with someone through everything and anything. The ability to love them for who they are without any judgments or biases. The ability to love unconditionally and not based on what they can do for you or buy for you. Love is sitting in a room with them and you’re not bothered by the silence. Love is when they walk in a room a smile splashes across your face. Love is anxiously waiting for them to return even though they just left two minutes ago. It has nothing to do with sex. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Now, Ms. Sexually Confused, you’re spending a lot of time communicating with a man overseas who, as you say, is “sexually frustrated.” Uhm, sweetie, this man is in another country fighting a war. You should be focused on your school work, and finishing school. Please don’t be so fast and in a hurry to give up your virginity to a man who consistently tells you that he is “sexually frustrated.” That is a clear sign that he is only after one thing – YOUR VIRGINITY! Don’t do it! Leave him alone! Don’t get that man hyped up thinking he is going to come home and take your virginity. If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. Don’t let anyone force, coerce, or manipulate you into doing something you are not ready to do. He has sex on the brain. He wants to relieve a lot of pent-up tension, and if he is that frustrated sexually, he may just turn you out. And, if you’ve waited this long, then don’t rush and do it now just because you want to prove something to a man.

And, let me say this again, and get this straight: You’re talking about jeopardizing your current or future relationship with a man who is in another country? Honey, for one, you don’t have a relationship. Two, focus on school and graduating college. Three, if no man is talking what you want to hear and if he isn’t making you feel desired, loved, wanted, needed, and special then keep your legs closed. You will know when you’re ready, and by the sound of your letter, girl, you are not ready. Besides, like the saying goes, “You can’t miss something you never had!” – Terrance Dean