Dear Bossip: We Were In A Long-Distance Relationship, But He Moved In & Has No Job, Doesn’t Contribute, Yet, He Can Buy Kush!

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years now.

We both are in our early 20s. After having a long distance relationship for 3 years we decided to move in together. In the beginning everything seemed to be okay between us, but once we moved in together things started to change. He started to act different we were arguing more and I just found out that he is using marijuana. We have had 3 children between us, and I have been the one doing everything.

He had relocated from his city to move in with me and had not pitched in at all. He has not paid me a dime in rent, nor has he made the effort to really help out around the house. He doesn’t like to do things as a family and he gets upset when I tell him he needs to start helping out more. He won’t buy diapers, milk, clothes, toys or anything for the kids until somebody tells him he has to. Let alone he don’t spend a dime on me either, when we go out I pay for everything. He tells me that he loves me and his kids and to try to give him a chance since this is new to him. And my dumba** falls for that shit.

He also has an anger problem. When I say something to him that he doesn’t want to hear he slams doors and throws things. I really think that marijuana is affecting him. He claims he is going to stop but hasn’t made the effort and isn’t attempting to make an effort to do so. His priorities are not in order and I am fed up with having to be the only one taking care of my family. He will buy weed but won’t do for his family. His family really wants us to try and work it out, but I feel like we are getting nowhere.

I’m so sick of his selfish ways and I feel he needs to grow up. I am a very smart, independent young woman, but I am just so naive when it comes to stuff like this. I truly question if he really cares about his family or not because he is not showing it. We argue all the time about money and him smoking marijuana and not taking initiative to help out. He keeps telling me that I need to tell him what to do, and I don’t have a problem with that but I don’t want to have to tell you every time.

I’m just fed up with this. I do love him and I want our family to work, but his actions are pushing me away. I just need to know what would be best. I’m tired of people being passive about this situation. I really need some tough love. – He Needs Some Ambition

Dear Ms. He Needs Some Ambition,

Ma’am, your man needs therapy and counseling. He needs to be in a rehab clinic, and I happen to know this fabulous FREE rehab clinic on palatial grounds. It has everything your man needs to help him recover from his marijuana addiction, and anger issues. All you have to do is pack his bags and get him a one-way ticket to this FREE rehab clinic called, “His Momma’s House.” There, he can go back and do all the same things he was doing before he came to live with you: NOTHING!

Girl, his momma was so happy to see him leave and for him to become your new problem. That is why his family wants you to try and work it out because they don’t want him to return back to their home. But, you have the power to send his a** back!! Don’t hesitate to do it! Just do it!

How the hell a grown a** man says to you that you have to tell him what to do!?! Huh?!?! Girl, he is nothing but another child in your home. You have to tell him what to do, but, yet he throws temper-tantrums when he is scolded and given directives on things to do. He wants to slam doors and throw things. How old is he again? Why are you putting up with this? I’m serious I really want you to ask yourself this question.

I swear that some of you women inherit these, ‘grown men children,’ and become surrogate parents to these trifling no-good men/boys. You have to raise these men/boys like your other children, and at the same time you have to sex them, cook for them, clean up after them, tell them what to do, and put up with his drama, stress, and no-job-having-ain’t-putting-it-down-in-the-bedroom-and-it-ain’t-even-that-big-but-you-love-him. LMBAO! I can’t with you!

If you’re so tired of him, and fed up with this situation, then send him back to his momma’s house. Put him out and it will resolve the issue and problem you’re having. Think about this:

1.) Before he moved in you were doing everything on your own. He moved in and you’re still doing everything on your own, but yet, you have another mouth to feed. He is taking up space and adding extra work for you.

2.) He doesn’t pay rent. He lives with you for free. You were paying the rent before he moved in and you didn’t need his help. So, if he left what would you be missing out on financially?

3.) He doesn’t like to do anything with you outside of the home. He can’t afford to take you anywhere. He doesn’t buy diapers, milk, or food. Before he moved in at least you did what you wanted to do without him, and you bought the diapers, milk, and food. And, you continue to buy the diapers, milk, and food. So, if he left what would you be missing out on?

4.) He spends his money on weed. He smokes all the time, and he has no job. Uhm, let’s see here, Boo Boo, you can do bad all by yourself. Why have a man/boy in the house who spends his money on weed instead of you and his kids, and he smokes around your children, and he has no job? He is an inappropriate male role model. Do you want your children to grow up imitating him and his behaviors and treating women the way he treats you? If your answer is no, then put him out of your house.

It’s time for him to get some tough love in the real world. Someone has to teach him a lesson that you can’t live some place for free, lay around and not contribute to the household, be told what to do and then get an attitude because they are telling you what to do. It’s time for him to fall on his a** and learn how to stand on his own two feet and become a man and learn how to take care of his family. You can’t teach a grown a** man how to be a grown a** man.

Therefore, you give him an ultimatum. Either he gets a job in a certain timeframe – three months, and he gets into some parenting classes, and some treatment for his marijuana use. Or, he goes back home to his momma and he figures out what he wants to do with his life. Giving him three months to find a job is ample amount of time for him to find something and to start earning a paycheck. Most fast food restaurants are always hiring. Also, many of the grocery store chains are hiring. Hell, Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Target, and other convenient store chains are hiring. There is no reason and no excuse why he can’t be looking for a job everyday, and applying to some company. It’s time to light a fire under his a**!!

You don’t deserve this, and you don’t deserve to be raising someone else’s child. You can’t teach him how to be a father and a man. He needs to figure this out and get into action. He helped to produce the children, therefore he needs to be proactive and productive in providing for his children. Stop being a surrogate parent, and stop letting him suck on your tit. You need to set some boundaries and some repercussions for his actions. Stop letting him sleep in the bed with you, and laying up in your house. He can’t make any rules or dictate anything until he is contributing to the household. And, again, set a timeline for him to get it together. Three months is the deadline. If he doesn’t have anything, no job, no money, no nothing, and he hasn’t made any changes to do better, or be better, then it’s time to pack his –ish and send him back to momma’s. The End. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
         

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