Dear Bossip: My Man’s Ex Wants To Send Their Son For The Summer, But He Hasn’t Seen Him In 5 Years

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I have been reading your blog forever and I love it. You give very good and meaningful advice.

I thought that maybe I should ask a few questions myself.

First, I am in a relationship with a man who I have loved since I was in high school because he was so cute to me. Well, we recently have gotten back into each other’s lives and have been together since then. He has two kids by two different women who are nowhere near us. They are in two different states. One of his kids got taken away because the mother abused the child and the other is living with the mother who goes from man to man and moves around a lot following a man.

Now, we have a baby and we live together. He’s a good father to my son and takes care of all his needs like a father should. His other kids he doesn’t get to see because the moms kept them away. But, now one of the mothers wants him to take his child for the summer all of a sudden. I feel it’s because the man has another kid, and she doesn’t want to keep the child so she can go be with a man. Also, she has never really raised the child her mother has, and the kid doesn’t really know him either. Also, he pays child support and she has full custody of the child.

He’s said that me and our baby is his family and that is what he is focused on, what is in front of him, and he can’t change what happened in the past he can only focus on right now, our family. He also said that he couldn’t take the child, who is 10-years old, because he works at night and I work during the day. Who would watch him? It would be impossible. Also, not to mention the boy hasn’t seen him in five years and let alone doesn’t really have a connection with him.

My question is why does his exes bother me so much even though it has been years since they have been together and he is faithful to me, but I keep bringing up his past relationships?  I keep thinking about what he did for them or why was he with such ratchet women. Also, should I leave the situation alone about his son because I have my own child to raise and let whatever is going to happen, happen, because I feel that the only one hurt in this situation is the child, and the situation all in all was before me?

When I bring up his past women that he has been with he says why does it matter, I’m with you. Not to mention he doesn’t care about my past. Also, I have to confess that I recently seen one of the mothers on Facebook, and I looked at her pictures, which made me question things even more. Am I creating all of this drama on my own in my head or am I justified to be bothered by the other moms? – Where Do We Go From Here

Dear Ms. Where Do We Go From Here,

SMDH! You women who think you’re better than the other women your man has been with, and all this comparing yourselves is trite and pointless. Why do you think you are better than the other two baby mommas? You are baby momma number three! HELLO! So, is it because he is telling you things you want to hear, and you live together, and he downplays his relationships with them by telling you that you’re his one and only, and he really wants to be a family with you. Yet, you’re not married, and you’re playing house just like he did with the other two women. (Looks and sounds familiar?)

Then, you rant about how the other mother’s are not letting him see his kids, but, by your man’s own admission he hasn’t been involved with his children because they are a part of his past, and he doesn’t want anything to do with the mothers, yet, the children are suffering because of his sad, trifling, and no-good for nothing a**! What does the children has to do with him not being a father? What does the children has to do with him not being involved in their lives? They are the innocent victims in this situation, and they are being penalized, punished, and abused because he doesn’t want to be a man and own up to his responsibilities. Get the freak out of here with that –ish!

And, no, you don’t need to be involved with the affairs of his children and their mothers. That is not any of your concern or business. However, as a woman who has a child with him then you should be sympathetic and empathetic to the children. If you are planning on getting married, and building a life together, then those children will always be in his life, and in your life. Those children are your child’s siblings. So, why not develop a relationship and bond with them? Why not introduce them to each other so they can grow up knowing they have a brother in the world? Stop thinking about yourself, and being selfish! It’s not about you! This is about your man not being a father to his children, why he hasn’t been involved in their lives, and why he is so flippant about children he helped to create. HE IS NOT A GOOD FATHER! Stop lying to yourself and start telling the truth!

Because trust and believe, if your relationship ends, he will treat you and his child the same as he has done with the other women and his other children. He has a pattern. He’s done it twice so far. And, you can’t see it because you’re in it, but he will walk out of your life, move on as if you and his child don’t exist, and he will be in another relationship with baby momma number 4!

But, let me move on and establish a few things with you:

1.)    You are the third baby momma. (Make sure you keep this in mind while you’re ranting about the other baby momma’s your man has been with). So, all this pumping him up to be a good father who takes care of your son, and is a father to him is bull-ish! He is not a good father or a good man. If he was such a good father, and a good man, then he would be involved with his other children’s lives. And, you made mention that one of his children was taken from the mother because she was abusive to him. Then why didn’t your man take the child into his home? Why didn’t your “good father of the year” take his own child from the abusive mother, or intervene to not let his child be taken away and put into a system or placed with the mother’s family? I’m certain the courts would have loved to place the child with the father, but since your man is not involved and doesn’t care about his own child, then why would anyone expect him to be the good father and step in. He’s trifling!

2.)    He should be paying child support. He helped to create the children, and he should be supporting his children. I don’t care who or what the mother’s do or are about, he is the children’s father. He needs to be taking care of his children, and he needs to be involved in their lives because when moments like this arise, then the children should not and would not feel like strangers. And, he wouldn’t be complaining or feeling like it’s a burden to take in his own child for the summer! Ole’ trifling a**!

3.)    For your man to say that he can’t focus on what happened in the past, and only what’s in front of him. Uhm, sweetie, his other two children are his past, present, and future! The hell is he talking about with that bull-ish! He is weak and spineless! What man turns his back on his own children, and feels as if they are something that happened in the past, and doesn’t want to be involved with them because of the choices he made to sleep with their mothers? He laid with them, and he probably fed them the same bull-ish he is feeding you. He probably made promises to them, and sold them pipe dreams of being a happy family. You don’t know the dynamics of their relationship, and what he led them to believe. So, for him to sit up there and say it’s his past, and he is moving forward. Then as a woman you should remind him that his past is now his present and future. Those children are not going anywhere! And, those monthly child support payments will forever be a reminder for the next 18 years!

4.)    His son is 10-years old, and he hasn’t seen him in five years! That is a problem. The fact that he hasn’t made any attempts to connect or get to know his own son is a problem. He could have arranged for Christmas visits, birthdays, summers, or other occasions. But, your “good father” didn’t do any of that. He wants to act as if the child doesn’t exist and move on with his life. Sorry! It’s time to be a real man, a real father, and step in and be there for his son. And, you’re complaining that because they haven’t seen one another in five years they don’t have a connection. Well, sweetie, this is the perfect time for your man to develop and create a connection with his own child. He can make up for those five years by letting him visit for the summer!

5.)    Stop making excuses for your man and why he can’t bring his own son to visit for the summer! You work during the day, and he works at night. Well, I’m sure there is a day camp, or some summer program your man can find that his son can be a part of while he’s at work. And, what about your man’s family? I’m sure his son would love to get to know his extended family members, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Stop with all the damn excuses and who’s going to watch him. Figure the –ish out!

6.)    Lastly, I’m going to repeat this: You are baby momma number three! Your man has a pattern. When someone shows you who they are believe them. He will do the very same thing to you that he has done to his other baby momma’s. He has not problem walking away, running from his responsibilities, and hoping his baby momma’s and children will go away. You bring up his past because something is telling you it will become your present and future. I would question everything he does and his behaviors. He’s predictable. I can see that, and so should you. And, if you’re willing to support a man who doesn’t want any involvement with his own children that he helped to produce, then I question you as a woman. You are no better than him, or the other baby momma’s you think you’re better than, and why you felt the need to bring up their dirt and throw it out there. Don’t throw stones and then hide your own hands. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

“LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

More Stories From Bossip


blog comments powered by Disqus