I’ve been stuck in a jiffy for a while and I can’t seem to get the, “girl you have to make a decision” from everyone I ask.
I’m a 23-year old aspiring lawyer with school being my top priority. Straight after high school, I got into a relationship with a man who was 5 years older. At the time, I’ve never been in a serious relationship let alone a relationship at that. I was a virgin and he didn’t have a problem with that, never even brought up sex. It took us 6 months before we made it official.
During those 6 months, I put him through hell, practically had him chase me. Not out of spite, but I had my guards up and they were pretty high. Hearing the “dip & dash” experiences of girls with guys did that to me. I didn’t want to just throw my virginity away as it was something I valued. I let him know that my vocation came before anything and didn’t want a relationship interfering with that. He stuck around to my surprise. So, I thought any guy that could put up with what I put him through was worth a shot. We finally got together under the condition that he understood the importance of my career and I wouldn’t be able to be with him always because of my studies.
Now, most girls at that age (18) got into a relationship based on what the guy has or his looks. My boyfriend didn’t have a job and was not the ideal looking, but his personality outweighed that. I didn’t care about looks or possessions anyhow, I was content with finally having a boyfriend and that’s all that mattered. The first 3 years were great. We did things that couples normally do.
Later down the road, he dropped out of college and said school just wasn’t for him. He worked menial jobs like security, parking attendant, car washes etc. I started to feel uncomfortable with the idea of going into the future with a man who has no future. Just happy with getting by. We bickered and argued about it, but still I stayed. I offered him great job opportunities, but he turned them all down. I constantly have to hear from my family what a deadbeat he is and the problems I will encounter down the road if I continue to stay. I stay because he has been nothing but great to me. Great companion, listener, and we have the BEST sex !
I ran away from the issue because the arguing just got worse. It’s not like he ever cheated or lied to me. The argument was always on the same topic: His Future! We took a break from each other. We were on again off again until I graduated and got accepted to law school.
During the lows of our relationship, I was in contact with a guy who was a friend of my family and perfect! He’s my age and has so much ambition and is quite opposite of my boyfriend. He has been in one of the top professions in America since the age of 21 (background check so I know for sure) and strives to go higher. He’s financially set and has made it clear of his interest in me. He’s everything I would want in my boyfriend. Both of our families approve of each other.
As great as guy #2 sounds, I just can’t let my boyfriend go. He recently got into a major car accident and is highly dependent which makes it even more difficult to leave. On many occasions, he gave me a chance to leave but I couldn’t find myself doing so. He needs me. I see so much potential in him. There’s no one else that cares about him enough to do what I do. His past relationships ended where all the girls left him for someone else. I don’t want to be the next to do so to him. He’s been hurt so much in his past that leaving him might cause him to go into depression. How can I just throw 6 years away?
My question is NOT who do I choose but how do I let my boyfriend off easy? – Torn Between The Two
Dear Ms. Torn Between The Two,
Sigh! Some of you women! I swear you make things more difficult than it is. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you tormenting yourself over what to do? It’s obvious you already know what to do, but you’re afraid to make the move because you feel obligated to your boyfriend. Plain and simple. That is the underlying factor keeping you with him.
Your last paragraph summed up your entire relationship, and life. You said, “He needs me.” Ma’am, stop fooling yourself and him. He doesn’t need you. You’re lying to yourself and you’re making him dependent on you. Never put yourself into someone else’s life and you feel as if they ‘need’ you. Once a relationship becomes dependent and someone ‘needing’ you, it just simply goes to show that they have nothing else going on in their life and you have become their everything. They rely on you and you’ve made them reliant upon. They don’t aspire to anything because all they want to do is live for you. They want you around all the time. They just want you to be happy. The relationship becomes about you. That is not healthy.
Next, you said, “I see so much potential in him.” Sigh! Here we go again with some of you women dating the potential in these man. Stop it! Stop it right now! Stop dating who you think they will become. Stop dating who you hope they will become. Stop hoping, wishing, and praying it will sink in and he will get inspired ‘one day’ and live into his full potential. Stop thinking and hoping that if you can just inspire him, push him, encourage him, and lift him up that he will be the man that YOU want him to be! It’s not going to happen. Your man has shown you who he is for the past 3 years. He has no ambition for anything greater. College is not for him. He is content with his menial jobs and just getting by. That is who he is, and you have to accept that!
You then say, “There’s no one else that cares about him enough to do what I do.” SMDH! Ugh!!!! I just want to shake the –ish out of you! Ma’am, you are not the end all and be all. Stop babying this man and let him be a man and stand on his own two feet. Stop thinking he is your everything. You are not! Stop thinking no one else cares about him, they will. Just like his previous girlfriends who probably thought and felt the same way, well, guess what, they dumped him and the next chick came along and took care of him. So, someone else will take on your troubles for you. There is always someone waiting in the wings to take your place. Trust me!
I don’t understand why some of you women will remain unhappy and miserable in relationships with men where you feel the need to take care of “because they need me,” and “no one else will take care of him enough and do for him what I do.” These men who do not want to do anything, have no ambition, and are content with getting little while you take care of them, working your a** off, aspiring for greatness, succeeding in your careers, taking on challenges, and pushing yourselves while he is in the background saying, “do you,” all while he is just chilling and being good where he is.
Yes, your parents and friends are correct in that your boyfriend is a deadbeat. He is not bringing anything to the table, and you if you remain in the relationship then you will only grow to resent him. The relationship has become comfortable. It is simply something to do because you don’t want to leave because in all honesty he will not suffer by you leaving you, you will suffer from not being with him. You will no longer have a project to do when you leave him. He will no longer be your Captain Save Him project. He will no longer be your mission project to save him and be the one to push him and encourage him and the one who got him to live into his full potential. You will go into a tailspin because you won’t have anyone to tell what to do.
You may very well date great guy #2 because he is everything you want in a boyfriend. However, you will be miserable with guy #2 because you will feel useless and unwanted in the relationship because you won’t have anyone to tell what to do. You won’t have anyone to push, encourage, and to lift up. This man will not be dependent on you and won’t need you for anything. He has own. He is ambitious. He is strong, independent, and successful. Therefore, you will sabotage the relationship because you will feel undesired and unneeded. So, you will dump him and go back to your ex because he gives you a sense of needing and desire. He gives you the sense of being wanted. For without you he is nothing. And, because you are so full of yourself he makes you feel the Queen B you think you are.
Yes, you think you are the Queen B because your entire letter is about you, your desires, your successes, your ambitions, and how you chose him despite his not-so-good looks and no job. You chose him and made him chase you until you were ready to give him a chance and give him some of your gush-gush. You dictate the relationship, where it’s going, and how it should go. You run the relationship based on your terms, and he just follows along because he is just so happy to have a woman like you. And, now you think he cannot go on without you, he needs you, and no one else can be good enough to him as you have because you are that Bish! SNAP! BOOM! BAM! POW! So, all in all, stop making this relationship about you, and think about what he is bringing to the table. Look at the reality of this relationship and the potential of it moving forward, and you will see that it has run its course. There are some relationships that are not meant to be forever. Some last a reason, a season, and a lifetime. Your season is over. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!