I read your columns faithfully and I know you’re going to keep it 1000!
I’m a newlywed of 4 days!! I’ve been with my husband for 3 years and we were recently just married. We talk about everything, or so I thought. We both consider each other to be best friends. I’ve shared every aspect of my life with him including being a bi-sexual woman which he totally accepted and allows me to “do me” with or without him.
During one of our random sexual past conversations he told me he had a threesome with a Transsexual (pre-op) and a woman. I asked him then did he get involved at all (with the Tranny) and he told me NO! He just had intercourse with the woman. I found it hard to believe then, but I let it go.
Fast forward to 4 days ago and our wedding night, and we were out celebrating having drinks and we even popped a Molly (please don’t judge us. LOL!). Well, he got to talking and told me that not only had he been with that Transsexual but 3 others. He also admitted to giving oral to them and trying to have anal sex! I was floored!!!! But, I managed to keep it together for his sake because I could tell he was really vulnerable. This man has given me NO impression he was remotely gay or interested in men. He says that he’s not attracted to regular looking men just the ones that look like women.
I can’t believe this!! I don’t know what to do. It’s on my mind every time I look at him, I keep wondering is he gay? I asked him if he was bisexual he said he didn’t know. Ummm, I didn’t sign up for this. I feel guilty because he didn’t judge me like this when I told him, but it’s different for me and I’m confused. I don’t know what to do or how to feel about this. I do love him and I feel like I should be more accepting but I don’t know how to handle this. Can you help? – Newlywed Shocker
Dear Ms. Newlywed Shocker,
Okay, let me get this straight (pun intended) LOL! You are bisexual, and you told your husband before you got married and he totally accepts you, and even allows you to “do you,” with or without him. But, he told you about an experience with a Transsexual, and you were concerned he didn’t tell you the entire truth and you let it slide, yet, on your wedding night you discover he likes Transsexuals and when you asked if he was bisexual he said he didn’t know. And, you’re upset because you feel he didn’t tell you the entire truth, but you knew about the Transsexual, and because he doesn’t know if he is bisexual you didn’t sign up for that, and you say, “it’s different for you me,” and “I’m confused.”
Well, I’m confused as to how it can be okay for you, but it can’t be okay for him. You say you didn’t sign up for this, but you did! Yes, you may have been forthright and honest with him from the beginning, but he did divulge part of his truth. And, when he did you even questioned the fact that he had a threesome with a woman and a pre-op Transsexual but didn’t have sex with the Transsexual. If you knew in the back of your mind that something wasn’t right, then why not press the issue? Why not interrogate and question further? That was your perfect moment and opportunity. But, no! Like most women, you back down from those opportunities because you are afraid of hearing the truth. You don’t want to know the truth, but you yell, stomp your feet, and demand that men be honest, and upfront, and tell you the truth about their sexual history, past, and desires. But, when the moment arises for you to ask you become a mute and don’t know how to open your mouth and say anything. SMDH!
If you want to know the truth, then you must ask, probe (another pun intended) LOL! And, you have to be insistent about knowing the truth about any of your sexual partners, boyfriends, and husbands and their sexual practices. I don’t care how uncomfortable you feel and how uncomfortable he may be, but you must get to the bottom (another pun intended), and find out the truth. Because if you don’t, then you will be writing in to me saying you’re confused, and how you’re hurt because he told me he was with a Transsexual but you didn’t know he had been with several and that he performed orally and even tried anal with them. (Giving you the side eye). Girl, have several seats!
It’s not too late to get a divorce. You’ve only been married a few days. It hasn’t been a month, so you can get it annulled. If you say you didn’t sign up for this, then get out while you are ahead. Get out before it gets deeper and more secrets are revealed about your husband. Why be married if every time you look at him you are questioning if he is gay? Why remain married to a man you don’t trust, you’re not sure about his sexuality, and, honestly, you’re not sure if he when he is out and about he is hooking up with Transsexuals and doing him because like you said, you can do you with or without him.
And, honestly, he told you the truth. He is not sure if he is bisexual. His attraction is not to regular looking men. He is attracted to men who look like women. So, therefore, he is only interested in Transsexuals. He wants them to look like women, thus, it gives him the illusion that he is with a woman, but enjoys the pleasure of the male genitalia. Your man is not gay, he has a sexual preference with women and men who look like women, Transsexuals. He is not interested in being with men who look like, and are regular men.
Therefore, you brought your sexual identity to the relationship, and he accepted all of you, so, why can’t you accept all of him? What really bothers you? Is it that you wanted a man who will let you do you, be okay with your sexual promiscuity, and you have all the convenience of being with men and women, yet, married to a man. So, why didn’t you marry a woman, and tell her that you are bisexual and you will do you with or without her when you want to be with a man? Bet you don’t like that idea do you? I don’t understand how you can claim to be bisexual, but, you are ignorant about your man’s sexual identity? And, you claim it’s okay for you to be bisexual, but he can’t. HUH!?!You bring all this freakiness into your life, but you’re confused and dumb-founded now that he is doing Transsexuals and getting his freak on!
So, it’s time you and your husband had a serious sit down conversation. You share with him what happened on your wedding night after you popped a Molly. Bet, you won’t do that again! LOL! But, let him know what he revealed about his sexual experiences in his past, what he’s done, and his sexual desires and interests. Let him know it is of concern for you and that you are uncomfortable with it. You need to ask some serious questions as to if he wants to continue his pursuits of Transsexuals. Does he plan to do him with or without you?
But, you’ve got to be honest with yourself in the meantime. Instead of making him out to be wrong and bad for his desires, you brought him into a situation and demanded that he accept you for who you are. He has to take everything about you and be okay with it. You are a bisexual woman, and can do you with or without him, thus, it means you can cheat on your husband. I don’t understand that arrangement. Why the hell get married if you want to still do you? But, he signed up for it with you, so why can’t you get on board with the fine print of his agreement? He was probably afraid you would walk away and leave him, so that’s why he probably didn’t tell you. He was afraid of being judged. And, ma’am, he is being honest about not sure of his sexual identity because he likes Transsexuals and not regular men. So, how and what does this mean?
I suggest counseling for the both of you. He needs to understand his desires and how to be honest with women upfront before getting involved in relationships. He can also get the full understanding of his sexual identity and preference for Transsexuals. There are many men who are like your husband in that they prefer men who look like women, and have the equipment of men, but they are not attracted to regular men.
And, I feel you need to get to the root of your issue of your sexual identity. Are you really bisexual, or are you bisexual with prejudices for women and against men being bisexual? How is it okay for you, or women to be bisexual, but a man can’t? Why did you decide to get married if you knew you were going to do you with or without your husband? Do you want an open marriage? And, if this is what you want, then why can’t your husband be open and do him? And, you should strongly consider if you really want to be married to him now that you know the truth. If you can’t handle this, and it is too much for you, then divorce. Get out! Don’t prolong the inevitable. Your man likes women, and men who look like women. He is going to do him with or without you! BOOM! BAM! POW! – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!