I have enjoyed your column on Bossip, and I love the fact that you give it straight, no chaser. I have a question though.
I have been with the same man, “Rod,” for 12-years off and on. We have a 2-year old daughter together. During, and, after my pregnancy, Rod cheated on me often. A couple of times I busted him. Each time I caught Rod, I got the same ole’ song and dance, ‘He was, oh, so sorry, and it would never happen again.’
To make a very long story short, Rod went to jail a couple months ago. I have never cheated on him during our relationship, but I have been seeing another man for the last couple of months. I have not told Rod that I am seeing anyone, and I am wondering if I should tell him. This is the kicker, though, Rod is from Jamaica. He is saying that the court system is trying to have him deported, but he is fighting it saying that he has a child and he needs to be here for her. Rod has been deported before and managed to come back into the country unnoticed.
I am afraid that if I don’t come clean about me seeing this new guy, and Rod finds out, he may do something to my new friend. I think I may know your next question which is, did I tell my new friend about Rod? The answer is, yes. I have told him everything from beginning -to end. I have even told him of the threats Rod made to me that if he ever sees me with another man he will kill them. I know that I need to end things with Rod, but I don’t want anyone to get hurt in the process including myself. Help – What To Do?
Dear What To Do,
And, the award for best dramatic actress in a leading role goes to, YOU!
Girl, you love drama don’t you? Don’t you know that everything that is, and has, happened to you in your life is of your own doing? You are a Drama Queen. You are creating all the drama in your life and you love it.
The question you need to be asking is why do you love drama so much? And, why do you keep creating it?
You’ve been in a relationship with Rod, who is Jamaican, for 12 years, and he in this country illegally. You knew that when you started dating him. You probably loved the fact that he was on the run and you were his Bonnie to his Clyde. You were his ride or die chick. Girl, please. Save that for the movies.
Then you have a baby with this man because you wanted to keep him around and to prove your love to him. Despite the fact he was sleeping with you and all the other women you busted him with. Why would you stay with a man who cheated on you on numerous occasions, and you caught him? Oh, yeah, because you invested so much into the relationship and you wouldn’t dare let another women come and benefit from all your time and effort you’ve committed to Rod.
We all have choices in life. You can choose who you want to be in a relationship with. You consciously knew what you were getting when you started dating Rod. You knew what you were getting when you caught him cheating and you continued to stay. So, who can you blame for that?
Now, he is in jail. You’ve started dating another man and haven’t told Rod about him. The courts are threatening to send him back to Jamaica and he’s saying he needs to be here for his daughter? Did he think about all of this before he went to jail? Was he concerned about becoming an American citizen while he was committing a crime? Is he using you, and his daughter, as his entrée into America? I’ll tell you this, the courts are not threatening to deport him, they will! He is in this country illegally. That is a crime in and of itself. However, he is currently in jail for a crime, and in the judicial system you are innocent until proven guilty, but, if he is found guilty of the crime he committed, they are going to ship him right back to Jamaica, and especially if they notice they’ve deported him once before.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe a man should be in his child’s life no matter the situation between the parents. It’s time you both grew up and became responsible parents for your daughter’s sake, and you and Rod are bound together because of your daughter. This is where you set the boundaries of your relationship with Rod. Decide what is in the best interest of your daughter and take it from there.
But, hold on, Ms. What-To-Do, Rod has threatened to kill any man you get involved with and you have not told him that you are in another relationship? Yes, you love drama and you are right in the middle of it. I am certain that if Rod has threatened to kill someone else, then he has probably threatened you. I am also certain there is some history of abuse in your relationship with him.
Do you want to stop the drama in your life? Then, stop creating it. Recognize your part in all of this. Take responsibility for your role.
I strongly suggest you tell Rod the truth. Don’t wait and don’t prolong it any longer. If you are moving on without him as a partner, and you want some sanity in your life, then for once be honest with everyone, including Rod, and yourself.
I also suggest you find a therapist, counselor, or women’s support group that help women in abusive relationships. A man threatening to kill other people for the sake of his love for you is not love. That is a dangerous person. He will harm you and it will escalate into a volatile situation and that is something you do not want your daughter to witness or experience.
It’s time to get real about your daughter’s life, your life, and stop playing around with other people’s lives. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!