I have been dealing with this guy that I met about two years ago. He was my manager at my job.
We began dating (which was against policy) and fast forward a few months and I’m pregnant. He was a pretty decent guy.
That’s when things started to change. He started to go missing on several different occasions for days at a time. I quit my job because I got pregnant and found a new job. He told me to take it because I made more money even though it was far out and I don’t drive. He ended up going back on his promise to make sure I got to work so I had to quit. I couldn’t stand the two-hour bus ride in the heat every day.
I was out of a job, pregnant, lacking the knowledge of my boyfriend’s whereabouts and not to mention extremely emotional. I was six months pregnant walking up and down the street looking for him. I didn’t want anything but to be held. Calling his phone all hours to see if he would answer. Dealing with his baby mamma drama that he couldn’t seem to get under control. All I wanted was for him to be with me and love me as much as I loved him. And for him to just acknowledge the fact that I was pregnant and excited about that he should be too. I go to his apartment and seen his other baby mother’s car out front and got the idea. When I would confront him he would basically act like he didn’t know anything.
Fast forward and I’m in the hospital. After I just had my baby I’m wondering if the drama with his baby mother is still going on. They’re texting in the middle of the night while we’re at the hospital. He’s leaving the hospital to go talk to her. Blah. Blah. Blah. I felt alone. This man broke my heart. I loved him. But he didn’t love me.
Fast forward to now. My son is six months. His dad wants to always be around me. Twenty-four seven. He wants a relationship. Do everything for me. Take vacations. Buy me things. But I don’t want any of it. He put me through so much pain. He is as sweet as he could be now. Crying telling me how he has changed. Blah. Blah. Blah. I feel bad for him sometimes, but then I think, why should I? I gave him my whole heart and he didn’t want it. So, now I’m taking my -ish back. But why do I feel so bad? I just want to let him go and all the pain he has caused me. All the nights I sat up crying over him are all a thing of the past. The love I have for him is gone. But, he just won’t let me let him go.
Everyone criticizes me for not wanting to be with him now. Even my own mother. Saying things like, ‘You’re going to need him one day.” But, in my mind I’m thinking, why? When I needed him he wasn’t there so just because he cares now, I should too?
So my question for you is, am I right for not caring? For wanting to date other men? For wanting my own happiness that doesn’t involve him?
I’m tired of the lies, hurt, and baby mama drama. I just want to be free. – Wanting Happiness
Dear Ms. Wanting Happiness,
Ma’am, I’m truly sorry for the pain, agony, and hurt you endured with this man who led you to believe one thing and did another. He basically left you pregnant, walking the streets looking for him, encouraging you to leave the job for one that is further out, but did not help you with transportation and you had to quit. Then, on top of all this he filled your head with lies, and he was untrustworthy. He continued an ongoing relationship with his other baby momma, and while you’re in the hospital giving birth to his child, he is texting and calling his other baby momma. WOW! He is trifling, low-down, and a scum bag of a human.
So, no, you don’t owe him anything. You don’t have to do anything but go to court and have him put on child support and make sure he is actively involved with his child’s life. You don’t have to engage with him other than making sure he abides by the visitation you set up with him about his child, and being an active father-figure to his child.
It’s unfortunate you don’t have support from family and friends. They want you to continue to endure the drama and stress not knowing all the drama and stress he put you through. Just because he’s recently coming back around and saying he’s sorry, and that he’s changed, and bringing gifts and wants to be a family. Don’t let your family and friends bully you into going back into an unhealthy and unwanted relationship that you know is no good for you. They only see what’s happening on the outside. They did not endure or experience what he put you through. So, don’t fall for the, “Girl, he is a good man. He wants you. He’s apologizing. And, you’re going to need him one day.” Uhm, actually, you are the good woman, and he needs you because his other baby momma put his a** out and doesn’t want anything to do with him. That’s the real tea!
He has nowhere else to go, so he is going to turn to the one place and the one person who wanted him. That’s you! He doesn’t realize the collateral damage he did when he put you through all that bull-ish. He thinks he can just show up and say, “I’m sorry. I want you and need you.” And, you will welcome him with open arms. No ma’am! Not tuhday! Girl, that will last all of about a good month and he will back to doing his old antics and his old behaviors. Trust! Don’t go back and don’t look back. Continue moving forward. Remember this one thing, never make someone a priority in your life when you are an option in theirs. Don’t allow yourself to be someone’s doormat. You’re too good for that. And, your emotions and feelings matter. They are not disposable or arbitrary. So, all that he’s done to you shows you the type of person he is.
And, as you’re moving forward keep this in the forefront of your thoughts: Are you supposed to forget what he did, how he made you feel, and the days and nights he disappeared. Are you supposed to forget walking in the heat pregnant looking for him. You are supposed to forget taking the two-hour bus ride to a job he said he would provide you with transportation. Are you supposed to forget his baby momma staying at his apartment when you went looking for him and discovered her car. Are you supposed to forget he was texting and calling his baby momma while in you were in the hospital, and right after you gave birth to his child. Are you supposed to forget the heartache, the pain, the emotional, mental, and physical stress you caused you.
So, continue to move forward without him. Replenish yourself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. You went above and beyond for a man who did not go above and beyond for you. It’s time to focus on you and your child. Go back to school, empower yourself, and surround yourself with positive affirming people who will continue to encourage and uplift you. You don’t need anyone or anybody in your life dragging you down, making you feel guilty, or not encouraging and supporting you. Get rid of the excess baggage. Then, put him on child support through the courts. Set a visitation plan, and let him know that the only communication you wish to engage in are around your child. Do not call about your private life, getting back together, and hearing how sorry he is or any of apologies. You get it, he’s sorry. Literally. Forgive him and thank him for the valuable lesson he taught you, and you’re going to use the lesson to do better, be better, and stay better. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!