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Dear Bossip,

I recently moved to a different city to start all over in life after an 8 year failed marriage, and a 2 year relationship.

I am a single mother of two children with different fathers. I now know why my other relationships didn’t work because I have grown to accept it and I have related to so many letters people have wrote to you, and your responses has helped me a lot.

My thing now is I met this nice guy, so I think (LOL) 2 months ago. When we hang out we have a great time. I really enjoy his company. We only have hung out at his place, where he has roommates, but most of the time it will be just me and him even his roommates are there. We could have had an outing, but on the day of my schedule changed and I couldn’t go.

Anyways, after a couple of hang outs, texts, and phone calls here and there I finally asked him what is it we are doing last week and he asked me to come over because he said it’s a conversation he would like us to have face-to-face. So, I went and he BBQ’d for me. We had dinner and during that time we talked. He said he liked me and he asked me how I felt. I told him I liked him too, but I wanted to take things slow and he agreed to that.

In our conversations here and there he says I’m different in a good way and he likes that. I am reserved and I want to change the way I used to do things and actually take my time to know him before I can have sex with him. The other thing too is that I’m a big sassy woman, but my weight, especially my belly, makes me feel uncomfortable of my body most of the time. I do exercise regularly, but my eating habits sometimes are bad, LOL. Hence not achieving the goals I want and I have no patience. At one point I asked him if he has ever dated a big woman before and he didn’t say yes or no, but he said I should stop worrying about it because he likes me.

Last weekend when we talked we kissed and I liked it. When I got home at 2am he called me and we talked for an hour and we also talked about the kiss and how he felt and he liked it too. Since we started talking we would go days without talking and I was ok with it. But, after the kiss I thought he would be different, but no it stayed the same. So, yesterday I was stupid enough to ask him why we haven’t talked and he said something like, “You into me that much?” And, I was like, “We kissed, what do you think?” And, he said sorry and that’s about it.

I wasn’t too happy about it, but I guess it was late and he sounded drunk. Then he asked me to call him tomorrow. I am ok with him being drunk and I’ve come to know how he is, nothing crazy and we have been drunk together before. So my question is: 1.) Should I call him or give him the silent treatment and say I forgot because I don’t want him to think I care for him that much even if I do?  2.) Is he serious about a relationship or is it just in my head?  3.) Or, is it my insecurities about my belly and weight that’s keeping me from what could be a good relationship? What to do because I really like him. – Scattered Emotions

Dear Ms. Scattered Emotions,

I am so glad I am bald and don’t have hair. You and this letter would make me pull out any hair I would have had. UGH!

I wouldn’t date you. I swear I would tell you not to call me and to leave me alone and just go do you. You and these mixed signals. Girl, do you know which way you’re going! I’ll be damn if I’d be going anywhere with you, or trying to date you. I have no time or patience for insecure, low self-esteem people with their sob stories of “My last relationships failed because I didn’t open up, and I did things too fast, so this time I’m going to take it slow, but I don’t know how to do that because I still want things to go fast. And, if I kiss a man and give him some he should know that I must really like him because I only do that with men I like.” SMDH! I can’t with you people!

Ma’am, the man has told you that he liked you. He told you that he has no problem with your weight. Obviously he is not bothered by it because if he was he wouldn’t be barbequing for you. He would be making you a salad, and asking you how often you workout, and questioning everything you put in your mouth. He likes you for you!

The problem is you! You are the real issue in this situation. You are insecure with yourself. You have a problem with the way you look, and how you feel about yourself. Until you get a grip and handle on your self-esteem, and love and embrace all of you, including your stomach, then you will always be thinking in the back of your mind if the man is concerned with your belly. You will always be thinking if he really likes you because you are a big woman. And, you feel unlovable and unwanted because you think who would want a big person when you have to compete against other women who are not big, and are smaller than you. And, hell, moving to another state is not going to change anything. Because everywhere you go, there you will be. Your problems, issues, and challenges will be there with you because you are the problem, issue, and challenge. HELLO!

Here are some key things that you said which needs addressing: 1.) You are sassy because it is a defense mechanism and mask and it allows you to hide behind your weight. You feel being sassy is a way to distract people from your weight. Lose the sassiness. It’s not cute. It doesn’t mask your weight, it only draws more attention to it. (Peeks up and whispers, *People can still see that you are a big woman.)

2.) Then, you say you work out, but have horrible eating habits. Why don’t you get a journal and document your eating habits so you can keep track of why you are eating the way you do. What do you crave and when? Are you eating late at night, or snacking throughout the day? Also, invest in a nutritionist. They are great in helping you find alternative foods, particularly natural and healthy sweet treats for your body type.

3.) Next, you say that you have no patience. That is obvious. You probably work out a good two weeks, and after seeing no results you give up. (Chile, let me eat this donut. I can eat this cheeseburger, it’s protein. LOL) Ma’am, it takes at least 21 days for a habit to kick in. Stick with it. How about you just take up walking for now, and eating smaller portions of food? You can walk around the block. Then build it up to two blocks, then three, then four, then twelve. Take it doses, and stop expecting to lose 20 pounds in a month. It ain’t going to happen. Also, after two months of dating, and a kiss, you want this man to be in love. You want a relationship. Though, you said you want to take things slow. You see this pattern in your life? Your weight issues will spill over into every aspect of your relationships including intimate/personal relationships, money, family, friends, and your own self.

The other thing is when he invited you over to his house after you asked him what you were doing. Ma’am, you’ve only been seeing the man for two months. What the hell do you want? Two months and you’re trying to get him to commit? Yeah, you said you want things to go slow, but then you have this expectation of him after you kiss. You said so in your letter because you thought after you kissed him that he would change. You want him to be exclusive, calling you all the time, texting you all day, spending more time with you. Boo boo, pump your brakes and slow your damn roll. You are the one who said you wanted things to go slow. He is only accommodating your request. But, now you’re catching feelings and wanting love after a kiss. That’s why he said to you that you are into him that much. You are not honest about how you feel, and what you want. You are sending mixed signals. You say one thing, and expect another. Ole wishy-wash a**.

And, sweetie, all you do is hang out at his house with his roommates. Girl, I fell out the chair! Roommates? Meaning more than one? Girl, a grown man living with more than one other person, and he’s dating and having date nights at his house, uhm, where they do that at? Is he in college? Why are you not going out, doing dinner, movies, the theater, museums, walks in the park, dancing, or something?  I’m going to need for you and he to get out of his house, and go hang out with other people.

To answer all your questions that you posed, UGH! I swear you playing these damn games, and I’m over you already. What will you giving him the silent treatment do, and why don’t you want him to think you like him? You sound silly a** hell! Grow the damn hell up and be that sassy big woman you claim to be. All of a sudden you not so sassy, and your emotions are scattered? Girl, miss me. Be honest, frank, and tell the truth. Tell him how you feel and what you really want. But, again, it’s only been two months. So, either take it slow, or let him know what you really want and desire. But, it’s only been two months!!!

He’s told you that he likes you. He has no problem with your weight because he said stop worrying about it. So, yes, it’s all in your head, and your weight issues will prevent you from being in a relationship. Your insecurities will keep you bound. You lack self-esteem. It’s time to really start working on you, and be honest with yourself. Stop beating yourself up, and telling yourself you’re not worthy, or lovable. Start embracing yourself, telling yourself wonderful positive things, and take the effort and patience to work on your body. Take up yoga, speed walking, or a light aerobics class. And, get you some of Iyanla Vanzant’s books. Get into your personal self-esteem and rebuilding yourself. Be good to you! Love you! And, the man for you will love you, be good to you, and will work with you through your insecurities, even loving your belly in the process. – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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