I met him last summer. In a matter of weeks I fell in deep love.
He was my first everything. Before him I wasn’t interested in dating or relationships, but I knew I wanted love. Three months in and we’re still good, nice vibes, loving conversations, and walks. I couldn’t believe how much I was into this guy. We made promises to each other to stay faithful and honest. This was no problem for me because I loved him and I would do anything to make it work.
Then one day he asked me to send an email from his account to a local council about his parking ticket. No problem of course he’s my baby. I decided to be a bit noisy and look at his inbox and I see a dozen emails from a woman called, “Tosin.” Browsing through his email it didn’t look too bad until I looked at further emails. It seems like my boyfriend had a girlfriend. Long story short he said it was his ex and they broke up very recently. I was very upset and anxious, but after weeks I brushed it off. Up until December he was still contacting her, and texting her. I was very frustrated and he could tell because my moods weren’t very friendly.
Well, then it happened. I emailed her. I took the address from the emails they were sending to each other previously and asked her what was going on. She had no idea that I was a part of his life. She told me that they broke up only in November/December. I was heartbroken. I felt so hurt and used.
I broke up with him, but we remained civil along the line. We kept getting together and it was always natural. I couldn’t be upset with him for too long or with anyone. I’m just an easy going person and just so forgiving. But, his ex wasn’t the only problem. He would message girls now and again about meeting up and would continuously get numbers. I would find out, then tell him I’m leaving him, and then he would promise to not do it again saying that they’re bad habits and he’s learning to be a better person.
I gave him time to change continuously, but he continues to do the same thing and says he gets carried away and change is happening but it takes time, I love him so much and it’s hard because he’s such a good person, but these habits does weigh down the relationship. He does everything for me and he’s there whenever I need him. If he didn’t have these bad habits he would be the perfect boyfriend for me. But, I’m scared. I don’t want to be hurt again. I feel like my happiness is so attached to him that if we are on bad terms it ruins my day completely. And, I hate that, but I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on genuine love because I didn’t accept him and didn’t give him time to be a better man.
He always talks about how I’m a good girl and how I’m so much calmer and better than his exes. And, he shares his love for me, talks marriage and even kids, but then I get so confused when he messages other girls with flirty texts. And, on top of that the trust I once had for him has really been destroyed. I doubt I can ever rebuild that because I’ve just lost all faith because of the amount of times he’s let me down.
I’m more guarded than I was in the beginning. My mother thinks he’s a nice guy, but she doesn’t trust him. She thinks he has other girls. I value her opinion because her doubts about someone or something always seem to be right. She even said that she thinks he had a girlfriend previously which turned out to be true. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused because he’s a nice guy and I love him. I just don’t want to feel like an idiot. I don’t understand why he messages other women, but gets upset when I want to leave him for it.
I don’t want to feel deeply attached if I know he’ll just continue with his bad habits because I don’t want to hurt again. But, I love him. He’s a nice and caring guy. I just don’t feel 100% about the relationship like I did before. Help please. – His Bad Habits
Dear Ms. His Bad Habits,
Okay, everyone gather your friends and co-workers around your computer, and in your most ratchet turned up hood rat voice I want you to say it with me, “I know he cheat on me, but I love him.” Bwahahahahahaha!
You see ladies, this is exactly what happens to you when you lose yourself, and allow a man to consume you. You know longer have an identity. Your language becomes his language. Or, well, you start using his lies as truth because he lies so good to you that you eventually start to believe them. Prime example, he told you that his lying, cheating, and asking women for their numbers to hook up for dates are a “bad habit.” Bwahahahahaha! I can’t! I truly can’t believe he said to you that it’s a “bad habit,” and you believed him. He got a mofo “bad habit” of texting and emailing women to hook up even though he is in a relationship. Bwahahahahaha! I know a lot of men with that “bad habit.”
But, you believed him because throughout your letter you have used his language and have said his “bad habit” is basically destroying your relationship, and he needs some time to change (his language) from these so-called “bad habits.” I’m curious why when I read this letter, and observe his behavior that it doesn’t sound like a “bad habit,” it’s more of, hmmm, uhm, oh, I don’t know, HE’S A HOE! He’s a liar. He’s deceptive. He’s a manipulator. He’s a cheater. And, you keep falling for this bull-ish because you have bought into these lies as “bad habits.”
A bad habit is leaving the toilet seat up. A bad habit is leaving the television and lights on when you’re not home. A bad habit is biting your nails. A bad habit is throwing your clothes on the floor instead of the laundry basket.
How is it a bad habit if he purposely goes online and purposely sends emails to women asking them meet him for a hook up? How is it a bad habit if he purposely hooks up with these women while he’s in a relationship? How is it a bad habit if he purposely goes to meet them, purposely takes off his clothes, and purposely has sex with these women? Bad habit my a**. But, I’ll wait while you ponder this. (Files nails slowly, purses lips, and gives you the side eye).
Then, you sit up here and justify his behavior by co-signing his bull-ish as “bad habits,” and that he would be the perfect boyfriend if it weren’t for these “bad habits.” Are you freaking serious? Ma’am, he is trifling. He is full of –ish, and hell naw he ain’t a good boyfriend, or a nice guy. He’s an a**hole. Talkin’ ‘bout he got a “bad habit.” Take your right leg and reach back as far as you can, and kick him in his nuts and tell him you got a bad habit of kicking men in their balls when they lie and cheat. Better yet, take your right hand and reach all the way up to the heavens and swing as hard as you can and smack the dog –ish out of him. Let him know you got a bad habit of smacking the –ish out of men who lie and use bull-ish lies like the ones he’s been feeding you.
And, I want you to notice that you said that you would do anything to make it work. Sweetie, that is exactly what YOU’RE doing. You’re doing anything to make it work. You’re trying to make a failed relationship work, and it’s impossible when you’re doing all the damn work. How come he is not doing all that he can to make it work? What about the lie he told you about being committed, faithful, honest, and blah, blah, blah. I guess he got a bad habit of telling folks what they want to hear when he knows he’s lying. I want you to remember at the top of your letter when you said that you and he made promises to one another to be honest and faithful. Well, he isn’t. He isn’t honest. He isn’t faithful. He is not even remotely interested in making the relationship work. He is not committed to the relationship. HELLO! When people show you who they are believe them. Damn! I’ve said this time and time again. Believe it and them. He’s showing you that he’s not interested in being monogamous. He doesn’t want to be faithful. Walk away! He has a bad habit. So, leave him and his bad habits. LOL!
And, please don’t forget that he was dating you and his ex at the same time. That is some low down dirty dog –ish righ there. And, all along he was lying to you and her, and leading you on into believing that he was being faithful to you. Let’s remember that he had a girlfriend the entire time, and that he’d only just recently broke up with her. I bet that was a bad habit of not telling you the truth, huh?
But, hold on, if you had not emailed her then your boyfriend would not have told you the truth. (Look in the mirror and see if you have “boo boo the fool” on your forehead). Well, you did say that you are an easy going person, and you keep going back to him. I guess you have a bad habit of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I think that’s what they call crazy.
Look here, if you don’t respect yourself, and you’re too easy going to be mad at the man who lied to you, deceived you, used you, disrespected you and doesn’t value you, then how can I convince you to leave if you’re too easy going?
But, the nail on the head is like what I said earlier that you have lost yourself in this relationship, and have allowed him to consume you. You have no identity. You said in your letter that your happiness is attached to him. Never ever attach your happiness, joy, and being to a man. He cannot make you happy. He can add to your happiness, but it’s not his job to make you happy. And, he cannot bring you joy. He can add to your joy, but it’s not his responsibility to bring you joy. Therefore, when you make another person responsible for your happiness, joy, and other feelings then just know that they will always let you down because no one can fulfill those things. Only you, and only you are responsible for your joy, happiness, and other feelings.
You don’t trust him. Leave! He’s not going to change. You women and these hopeful, one day, some day he will be a better man and I want to be there for him to see him through. Uhm, ma’am he is not committed to you. He is committed to his “bad habits.” So, sweetie, while you’re sitting over there confused and stuck on stupid, I want you to pull out your calendar and show me “one day,” and “some day” on the calendar. When you can point them out, then he will one day, some day be the perfect man for you. – Terrance Dean
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