Dear Bossip: I Really Like Him, But He Constantly Talks About His Child's Ex He Broke Up With 4 Years Ago

Dear Bossip,

I have been talking to this guy for about 6 months. But, I would say it has gotten more serious within the last month and a half to 2 months.

I have already met his entire family including his daughter, and he has met my family. The problem that arises is that he is constantly talking about his daughter’s mother. I have no problem when the conversation is about him, her, and his daughter as a unit. My problem arises when he begins to talk about her personal life with me. I could honestly care less about what is going on with her, aside from their daughter.

They have not been together since their daughter was 2 years old, which was well over 4 years ago and she was his last relationship. Part of me feels like he is still holding on to what they had because he often sounds bitter when he talks about her personal life. I haven’t discussed this with him because I can never think of the right way to bring the topic up. I don’t want to sound bitter or jealous or have him thinking I don’t want him to talk about what’s going on in his daughter’s life because that is not the case at all.

About a week or so before he introduced me to his daughter he told the mother that he had a friend that he wanted to introduce the daughter too. And, he has come back and told me that ever since then she has been making sly remarks about him and his “lady friend.” She offered him a bottle of wine for him and his “lady friend.” She even goes as far as to ask their daughter how many girlfriends her father had.

But, I think the biggest thing came when he told me his daughter told him that she missed the days when her mommy and daddy lived together and helped her get ready every day. I don’t want to say the mother put the little girl up to saying it, but she was 2 when they broke up. I doubt a child that was that young when something like that happened would remember that, considering she still sees both of them pretty much every day because he drops her off and picks her up from school every day.

I don’t want to get to deep into this just to find out that he is still harboring feelings for her and is only using me as a means of getting back at her. Or, her deciding that she still wants to be with him for the sake of their daughter. As much as I like him I just don’t want to end up getting hurt in the end. – Talks About His Ex Too Much

Dear Ms. Talks About His Ex Too Much,

Let’s see here: You’re dating a man who has a child with another woman. The child is, based on my calculations, six years old. And, you’ve only been seeing this man for about six months. He was with his child’s mother for a number of years, but, they have not been together for the past four years. However, she was his last serious relationship.

So, again, if she was his last serious relationship of four years, and you’ve only been dating him for the past six months, then, ma’am, I want you to ask yourself what have they been doing for the past four years with each other? Obviously they have been going back and forth with one another. And, I say this because if he is constantly talking about her to you, and brings up her personal life, and he relays everything she says about you, then, sweetie, I’m going to need for you to be a little more wiser and smarter about this situation. He didn’t tell you everything, and he has left some pivotal details out about his relationship with his ex.

This is where you should ask him point blank how long after their break up did they ‘really’ break up. How often did they continue seeing one another after their four year disengagement? During the four years when they were not together, did they ever try to get back together, and how often? Did they continue to sleep with one another?

And, you say you don’t care about her, and her personal life, but he continues to bring it up. Well, it’s time you speak your truth and stop sitting over there steaming, angry, and upset every time he brings her name up. Stop trying to be the strong one in the relationship, and be there for him. He has to respect you in this relationship. It’s not fair to you for him to bring up his ex constantly, especially when he’s discussing her personal life. Because trust and believe if he is discussing her personal life with you, then he is discussing your personal life with her!

I strongly urge you to be honest with him and tell him the truth about how you feel about him discussing his ex. If you don’t, then you will harbor ill-feelings about not only him, but her as well. You will resent them and their relationship because to be quite honest she is not going anywhere. She will always be in his life. But, she doesn’t have to BE a part of his life, personally.

So, this is when you have an authentic conversation with him and ask him if he stills harbor any feelings for her? Is he still in love with her? Or, if he is not in love with her, then does he love her? Find out why did they break up. What was the cause? Was him, or her? Who suggested or recommended the break up? It sounds as if she broke up with him by the way you are saying he is continuously talking about her. If he was over her, and she did something to cause the break up, then he wouldn’t be caring on the way he is over her. But, by my deductions and my own reasoning mind, he is still caught up on his ex.

Ain’t no way in hell I’ll be in a relationship with someone and they keep bringing up their ex. No ma’am, and no sir! I will quickly nip those discussions, and conversations in the bud. “Look here, if y’all supposedly broke up four years ago, then I don’t want to hear about what they are doing, said, did, or going to do. I don’t care. I’m not interested, and neither should you. If I am your present, and your future, then your focus should be here with me. Not with your ex. Yes, you may have a child together, but the only, and I mean the only discussions I’m am only inclined or interested in hearing is about the welfare of the child. Nothing more, and nothing less! And, if you miss them so much, then go be with them. Leave me the hell alone!”

I’m going to wrap this up, but I want you to be truthful with yourself, and trust your own gut and feeling. You suspect he is harboring feelings for his ex. Then trust your gut and instincts. What you suspect is accurate and true. Don’t discount your own sensibilities, and feelings. They are honest and need to be honored. But, more importantly, you stated that, “the biggest thing came when he told me his daughter told him that she missed the days when her mommy and daddy lived together and helped her get ready every day. I don’t want to say the mother put the little girl up to saying it, but she was 2 when they broke up. I doubt a child that was that young when something like that happened would remember that, but she was 2 when they broke up.” This right here! Ma’am, if the child made this remark, and she remembers them living together, and how they helped her get ready every day, then the child had to be a tad bit older than 2 years old. Therefore, their break up wasn’t four years ago as he told you. Maybe that’s what he wants you to believe, but trust and believe he moved back in for a period of time, and they tried to get back together.

If you’re planning on staying with this guy, then he needs to come clean, and be real and honest about their relationship, and his feelings. I don’t think he’s being honest when he says that she was his last relationship in the past four years. If she is, then they have a history of going back and forth with one another, and he is still holding on to her emotionally and mentally. And, it’s not fair to you, and for you. But, once you sit with him and get him to be honest about his feelings, and about their relationship, then you decide on whether you will stay or leave. I’m hoping you’ll listen to your gut and follow your instincts. – Terrance Dean