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Dear Bossip,

I really hope you answer this and can give me your best advice. I’m a 25 year old soon to be mom.

I’m about 7 months pregnant. I had been dating the father of my child for a three year period. During the last two, it has become clear that being a part of a family is not what he wants to do. He doesn’t have his GED. He has some probation issues, and I just think he just enjoys the street life.

All of these things have been apparent to me for a while. We’ve had issues with other girls, him not working, leaving with my car all night, and all kinds of things. He’s been very disrespectful the whole time, and I honestly can say I was blinded by love and just hoped and wished he would treat me better, and just do better.

About 8 months ago, I decided the living situation we were in wasn’t a good one. The neighborhood was dangerous. We lived in a studio apartment, and although we both were working he wasn’t willing to foot his fair share of the bills. After moving home with my parents I discovered I was pregnant. If I thought he would help out, I was wrong. He ended up losing his job and becoming homeless. Despite me being pregnant and unemployed also, he would always ask for money, or a ride, or something. It got to a point where my parents attempted to help him out for a while, but that eventually ended because he started to depend on them for everything as well.

If he took one step forward, he found a way to mess it up and start right back at square one. Our relationship ended because he stole my cell phone and money out of my purse. It’s embarrassing to write, but he stole my phone and claims he gambled it away and lost it trying to get cocaine. He admitted that he has a drug problem and was telling me he needed help. I explained that I couldn’t trust him anymore and that the only person who could really help him with his drug issues was himself. I just named some rehabilitation centers, and told him he should really think about the type of father he wants to be for his child. And, then I just cut him off.

I knew he wasn’t perfect, but I couldn’t believe he would steal from me, especially something so simple as a cell phone for cocaine. That is pretty much the point where I came to the realization of what an idiot I had been this whole time.

I don’t want to make the relationship work. I don’t ever think it can be fixed. I just want advice on how to fix myself. I take full responsibility for what has happened. I know a huge part of the whole problem was my willingness to look the other way. I’m really ashamed of myself and my actions because I should have known better. I haven’t finished college and I’ve lost a lot of things trying to be in love with someone who didn’t love me back.

I have a little girl on the way, and although I do have my parents to help me out, I want to be in a position where I can take care of her myself completely. Most importantly, I want to make sure that she knows what love is and that she doesn’t put herself in the same situation I’ve placed myself in. I just want to get my life back on track for the sake of my daughter and myself. – Soon To Be New Mom

Dear Ms. Soon To Be New Mom,

Well, alright, alright, alright! Got damn, Ms. Honey, you did that! You better be a grown a** woman. Girl, I am proud of you. So very proud of you! Bravo! I’m so happy you got your bearings together, kicked that no-good trifling a**hole to the curb, and you’re now focusing on you! And, that’s exactly what you should do; you do you boo!

First, and foremost, however, is that you need to put your ex on child support. I get that you’ve moved on, and you want to be in a position to take care of your daughter yourself. But, your daughter does have a father. Regardless of him being a no-good trifling good for nothing S.O.B., and despite him not wanting to be a family. However, he still needs to be a man and own up to his part and his responsibility as a parent. So, to avoid any hassles or drama in the future, please go to family court and set up child support payments, custody, and visitation for the child. Please do not try to work this out with him without the support of the courts. It will get messy, he won’t follow through on his promises, and you will become even more frustrated, angry, bitter, and upset with him and yourself. Handle all of this in the court of law.

Next, the great thing is you have support from your family. Be thankful they are there for you. So, what I recommend is that you have a conversation with them about your plans and goals. I strongly urge you to go back to school. Find a school nearby, and enroll in college for next fall. Ask your parents if they will support you in going back to school, and how long can you stay in their home until you get on your feet. If you desperately want to get out of your parent’s home, then look for a part-time job, save up for an apartment, and eventually you can find full-time employment. But, in the meantime continue working on building your self-esteem, and your self-worth.

You owe it to yourself to lift yourself, inspire yourself, and surround yourself with positive influences and people. Trust yourself, and know that you are right in cutting off your ex. He cannot be trusted. The boy stole your cell phone, and money out of your purse. The hell?!? Who does that? Oh yeah, your drug addict ex. If he has a drug problem, and he is not willing to work on himself and seek treatment or help, then there is nothing you can do for him. Let him figure it out. But, to be in a relationship with him will only drag you further into the abyss of unhappiness, drama, stress, and you continue not to receive any support from him. Let him be, and let him continue to do him.

And, don’t beat yourself up. You made a mistake. You trusted him. He lied, deceived you, and led you to believe he was something he was not. Learn from this lesson. It’s a valuable lesson. Don’t repeat it. Know that you did the right thing. If he stole from you once, he will do it again. He has a drug problem, and you did right by recommending some rehab facilities. He has to want to do this for himself. And, ending the relationship was the right thing to do. You deserve better. You deserve a man, not a boy. And, you certainly don’t need this drama and stress in your life as you’re about to give birth. This should be a joyous occasion and happy moment for you. Don’t let him spoil it.

Finally, I recommend you find a spiritual institution to build your spiritual life. Connect to a higher source and being so that you can remain fulfilled. Do things that continue to lift you up, and that bring you joy. Keep your support system close by, particularly with loved ones, and friends who encourage you and inspire you. And, more importantly, know that you and your daughter deserve the best. You deserve goodness, happiness, joy, love, and peace. If a man is not bringing anything to table, or adding anything to your life, and he doesn’t make you feel special, wanted, needed, desired, or loved, then he is not the man for you. Once you are in a good space, filled with love, and have true love around you then you will be able to recognize it in another. And, the man who wants and desires to be with you will see this and want to be this, and bring all of this to the table. Do you girl, and continue to stand firm in your greatness, love, and joy. – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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