Dear Bossip: I’m Pregnant Again & We Were Engaged, But I Learned He Had Another Child

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

Okay, my story is very long. I will do my best to get to the point. I’m 29 years old and I’ve been dealing with my now ex for 13 years.

We have a 5-year old son. I am currently expecting our 2nd child. Now, here is where the issue began: About 4 years ago I found out from my ex’s best friend that my then boyfriend fathered another child by another woman. I had my suspicions about said child, but when I asked my boyfriend whether or not the child was his he told me on more than one occasion that the child was not.

Well, that ended up being a lie. The child was in fact his, and he was still seeing the other woman. This all occurred one year after I gave birth to our first son. Needless to say, I left him. Fast forward a couple of years and we have reconciled. Everything is fine, or so I thought was fine.

He proposed to me and everything was going smooth. We found out we were pregnant again 5 months ago, and we were looking forward to getting married and raising out soon to be 2 kids together. About a month ago I get an email from the mother of his child (the one he lied to me about) asking if I was pregnant. I told her yes. Come to find out my now ex was still dealing with the mother of his 2nd child and he told her that the baby I was carrying was in fact not his and that I was crazy.

We are not on speaking terms at the present moment and the engagement is off. He has recently started contacting me to discuss us and starting over. What should I do? I’m independent, but at the same time I don’t want to be a single mother of two. I just didn’t envision my life going this way. I’ve disgraced my family and I’m feeling quite embarrassed as I was not raised this way, and my parents like to throw it in my face every chance they get. Please help! – Ms. Embarrassed and Confused

Dear Ms. Embarrassed and Confused,

Welp, let’s address the facts and put it out there on front street:

1.) You are a single mother of two.

2.) This is your life, so you either get with the program and pull it together, or you sulk in pity.

3.) Who cares what your parents and family think. You won’t ever be able to please them. What is done is done. They need to stop throwing it up in your face, and start acting like grandparents, and aunts and uncles to the children. Despite what happened and what you did, the children are innocent in this and should not be exposed to the drama and idiotic comments from your loved ones. Tell them to grow up!

4.) Why were you dating this man on and off for 13 years? Why did you allow yourself to be the girlfriend for so long? (Actually you were a side chick, but I digress). Marriage should have been a consideration before the first child. If you don’t allow yourself to be a priority then you will always be an option. And, for 13 years you were an option. You get what you think you deserve.

5.) After you learned he cheated the first time, and he produced a baby and lied about it that should have been your ticket to exit. Leave the relationship, cut off communication, and put him on child support. There was nothing more to consider or discuss. He cheated, and lied about having another child. Ma’am, if he did it to her, then what made you think he would not do the same thing to you? I swear some of you women either don’t think, or you simply resign yourself into fooling yourself that he will never do to you what he did to her. SMDH! So sad.

6.) Sweetie, he has not changed and will never change. He is not any different than he was thirteen years ago when he lied. He is not any different than he was seven years ago when he lied. He is not any different than he was five years ago when he lied. And, he is certainly not any different than he was yesterday when he lied. He is a liar. Please tell yourself the truth about him, and accept the reality that he is a liar. He is deceptive. He is a manipulator. He is childish, immature, and will never take responsibility for his behavior, actions, or in being a parent. Once you tell the truth you can move forward and begin to heal and end your relationship forever with him.

7.) The engagement needs to remain OFF! Do not reconsider, contemplate, or engage him any further. End this madness and drama of going back and forth with him. He is using you and the other woman. And, trust me when I tell you this, he has other children, or he is sleeping with other women. You two women are not the only ones. He has shown you who he is. Please believe him. He is not going to change. He is lying when he says he wants to reconcile. It’s just that this is your season. You have a seasonal relationship with him. You are, and never were his girlfriend. You are a convenience for him. Convenient p***y. And, if you marry him, then you will be married convenient p***y. He will never ever ever ever ever be monogamous with you.

8.) Put him on child support. Don’t make arrangements with him, don’t set up your own visitation, or payment plan with him. He is not reliable, or to be trusted. Therefore, go to court, and them handle it.

9.) Pick yourself up, and move on. Don’t let your family, loved ones, friends, or your ex keep you down. You have two children who need you. They deserve to be treated and made to feel they are loved. Shower them with love, appreciation, and happiness. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel you embarrassed your family, or disgraced them. Honey, they’ve got some skeleton in their closets. It’s just that yours is laid out in the living room, and you become the pun of their jokes and finger-pointing. Next time they want to shame you, then you start naming names and calling out their –ish. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel worthless, or shameful. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
          

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