First off, I love your advice. You are straight forward and that’s what I need.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I love him deeply. I am 19-years old and he is 21-years old. Yes, I know we’re young, but trust when I say our love for each other is real.
I am in college and my boyfriend just finished technical school and is currently looking for jobs and I understand that it is a struggle. My problem is that he wanted to spend a night with me in my apartment. That one night turned to two and that two turned into 5 months. I was raised old-fashion and I am against shacking up and I feel like it’s just playing house. But, I don’t know how to get him to leave without hurting his feelings.
My parents pay for my rent, my food, and my car so I feel like him staying here (without their knowledge) is disrespectful. They think he just spends a night every now and then and I truly fear their disappointment if they were to find out. He has no home. He has family problems and just goes back home to wash clothes and spend time with them. When I bring up the suggestion that he should move back home he starts getting sad saying how much he just wants to be with me and it puts me in a tough spot.
I truly want my space back. I miss being able to watch what I want, and not having my things eaten without permission. I’m tired of going to the bathroom and the floor is wet and the toilet seat up. I don’t want to live with him until the day of our wedding, which will be years from now. I hate lying and disrespecting my parents especially since they have a lot of trust in me. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I am soft. I truly hate confrontation and hurting others. So, how do I tell him to leave without hurting him and our relationship? – I’m Not Ready For This
Dear Ms. I’m Not Ready For This,
I hate it for you. How the hell one night turns into five months?!?! That is not subtle and accidental. It’s intentional. He did that! He pulled the wool over your eyes, and he was very deceptive. He knew from the beginning that he wanted to move in with you, and live for free. Instead of being upfront and honest, he conveniently lied about that one night, and just stayed. He knew you wouldn’t say anything, or tell him to leave, and he used your kindness as weakness.
Instead of being sneaky about it, he should have been honest and upfront. He should have sat with you and had a conversation instead of going about it in this roundabout way. See, if he was upfront from the beginning then you could have considered it, and thought about it. But, since he wanted to be deceptive and manipulate his way into your apartment, then, you nip all this in the bud right now!
Therefore, it ends today! Yes, ma’am. It’s time you get a backbone and stand up for yourself. Boyfriend, or not, he has got to go! Look, I’m sorry he has no home, and he has family problems, but, he is grown. He is living with you, laying up in your house, not working, eating your food, doesn’t clean behind himself, and has the audacity and nerve to take his clothes to his parent’s home to wash, but he doesn’t take yours? Girl, miss me! That’s the least he can do is take your clothes and do your laundry. But, he’s trifling and wants someone to take care of him.
Notice that he throws that sad, pity, self-defeating bull-ish about him having no place to go, he has family problems, he can’t find a job, and he just wants to be with you. Chile, miss me with that sad story. It gets old real quick. I mean real quick. So, the next time he wants to play sad face, then you should say, “Well, if you want to be with me, then you need a job, income, and your own place. This is getting old. I don’t want to play house anymore. I did not sign up for this, and I won’t continue this shacking up. It’s time that you start taking responsibility of your life. Stop blaming your family. Stop being the victim. Grow the hell up! And, start learning how to take care of yourself, and, me as your woman. I am not, will not, and cannot take care of you. You are not my child, or my responsibility. I love you, but I also love you enough to put you out. It’s time you start doing for yourself and making your own way. Yes, my parents pay my bills, but I am also doing my part. We have an agreement, and I am in school doing what it takes. So, you have until the end of the month to find a job, save some money, and find you a room, or a studio apartment. I love you, and for the sanity and sake of our relationship, I don’t think this living together right now is working for me.”
You see how easy that is? You see how you can free yourself, and stop being a victim. I swear you both are two victims. Don’t let this man hold you victim and hostage in your home. The last thing you want is to have resentment, then anger, and then you break up with him because you did not tell the truth or speak up. Your relationship is heading towards a break up, and it won’t be pretty.
You’re lying and being deceptive to your parents. So, you’re willing to risk your relationship with your parents over a boy? This same boy who does not have a relationship with his family, therefore, he doesn’t have anything to lose. You do! It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. He will not put anything on the line for you, so don’t you put anything on the line for him.
I can’t believe that you said you are against shacking up, yet, here are you are shacking up. SMDH! I don’t understand how you can say one thing, but you do another. All of your morals, values, and judgments are gone right out of the window. You’re lying to your parents, you resent your boyfriend, you are going against your better judgment, and, now you’re miserable and unhappy. Why? Why is all of this happening? Why did you let it get to this point? Is it worth it?
Girl, you are doing all of this for a man. Your boyfriend. And, you’re doing it to make him happy because you don’t want to hurt his feelings. Well, what about your happiness? What about your peace of mind? What about your feelings? He doesn’t seem to care about any of that. Why, oh why, do you women continue to bend over backwards for a man who will not bend over backward for you? Why do you women continue making these men a priority in your lives, yet, you are an option to them?
This man is laying up in your home for free. He is eating your food, running up the bills, and doesn’t clean up behind himself. He is doing nothing. Nothing at all. A nothing a** boyfriend will be a nothing a** husband.
I love how you wrote, “Yes, I know we’re young, but trust when I say our love for each other is real.” Yet, you’re writing a letter about trying to get him out of your apartment and space because you can’t do the things you want in your own home, he’s eating up your food, your parents don’t know he’s there, he’s not clean, and you want your space back. I guess your love is not that real, huh? BOOM!
Again, it’s time to have an authentic, loving, and honest conversation with him. You need to give him a deadline date to move out. Let him know that you love him, support him, and will be there for him, but you can no longer do the shacking up thing. You don’t want to play house. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, but you can no longer lie to your parents. You can no longer go behind their back and continue to lie for his sake. That’s not the type of relationship you have with your parents. It’s time for him to grow up, take responsibility for himself, and to stop being a victim. You are not his parent, nor his wife. And, if you can’t come to a compromise, then you need to be honest with your parents, tell them what’s going on, and solicit their assistance. But, he does need to go. – Terrance Dean
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