Dear Bossip: I Can’t Have Children & Want To Adopt But The Man I’m Dating Doesn’t Want Anymore Children

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I need some advice. I am a 25-year old woman and I’ve been in a relationship with a 38-year old man for a year and a half.

We currently live together, and are very much in love and plan on getting married. We have both been married and divorced once before. His union produced a 15-year old boy and a 10-year old girl. I have no children and found out two years ago that due to complications from an abortion I had in my teens, I am unable to get pregnant. I was heartbroken when I found this out. I had always wanted to be a mother and to find out that I aborted my only child devastated me. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret my decision. It literally haunts me.

When I met my boyfriend, he expressed to me that he is done having children and is positive he doesn’t want anymore. I was okay with that at the time because I thought I had come to terms with not being able to have kids and figured him not wanting any would make it easier for me to deal with.

Fast forward to the present, I have since met his two kids and get along with them well. I thought that meeting his kids and forming a relationship with them would help fill the void of not having my own child, but I was wrong. There are days I fantasize about finding a man with no kids or one who wants more and trying to have a child (because I truly believe that medicine only goes so far and then there’s God), or possibly adopting.

But, I am torn because the man I’m with is wonderful. He is loving, supportive, hard-working, a great dad and an awesome provider. He is truly one of the “good black men.” He treats me like a queen. But, he is not budging on the kid thing and I can’t blame him. My mother tells me that if he truly loves me, he will allow me the chance to be a mom, but I don’t agree. Thirty-eight is, in my opinion, a little old to be starting over with a newborn and he’s “been there done that,” so I don’t think his level of love for me has anything to do with it.

So, my struggle is: Do I leave my awesome man and wonderful relationship to search for a man interested in having kids or perhaps be single and adopt on my own? I love this man with all my heart, but this void that I feel and this urge to be a mother is almost overwhelming at times. But, then there is the fear that even if I do meet a man willing to have children or adopt, he won’t measure up to what I have with my current man and then that will be a new regret.  I am truly torn! – Between A Child or My Man

Dear Ms. Between A Child or My Man,

I’m truly sorry to hear about your early life choice in which it prevents you from having children. I’m sure that is devastating to experience, and especially since you’re now having the urge and desire to have your own child. And, I’m not a woman, so I don’t even purport to know what it’s like to desire and want a child, and have that biological clock ticking. But, from what I hear and experience in knowing many women and their conversations around children, then I would strongly suspect that having a child is more important than having a man. Again, that’s been my experience.

So, what I recommend is that you have a sit down with your man. You two should have a long and serious conversation about children, your desire to adopt or at least try to have a child, and if he is willing to at least consider the idea. However, considering that he has made it clear that he is not interested in anymore children, I’m betting that he is not interested in having any more children, especially at 38-years of age. Like you mentioned, he’s been there and done that.

I know of many married men, and men in relationships who have had children in their thirties and have said that they regret it. I’ve heard them complain about how they wished they would have done it sooner rather than later. Many of them already had teenage children, so having a baby was something they did not want or plan on doing. And, don’t get me wrong, they did love their newborn babies, but they had a lot of resentment and regret. But, on the other hand, there are some men who didn’t mind, and they were completely happy.

The point I’m making is, if you want your relationship to grow, to build, and to sustain itself after the newborn comes along, then you need to build a solid foundation from the beginning. You both need to be on the same page, and have the same dreams, desires, and wants. If this is something that he is completely against, and he is not budging, then you may want to consider leaving the relationship, and finding a man who desires and wants to have children. And, there are plenty of men out there who would love to have a house full of children, and relish in the idea of being a father and dad.

Now, it’s great that your man is a loving caretaker and provider, and he treats you like a queen. He loves his children, and is hard-working, and one of the “good black men.” But, let’s talk about the “supportive” aspect that you mentioned. You stated that he is supportive, but supportive of what? His dreams and desires? His wants and needs? A man who is supportive will listen to your plans, ideas, hopes, and dreams and will support them. Especially if they are in the best interest of you, and how it builds you, inspires you, and empowers you.

So, if you desire to have a child, then he should be open to listening, be willing to consider the options, and how this makes you happy, and fills a desire and need for you. He will let go of his ego and his wants and needs in order that he may support you because he knows that you are unable to have children. So, why deny you of that opportunity or prevent you in having that bond and connection with a child that most women yearn and desire for? If he is not willing to listen, consider, and let go of his ego, then you should consider your relationship, and the future you have with him.

You’re a young woman, and it would behoove me to tell you not to have a child, and to get over this idea, especially to have and keep a man. Your instincts to have a child, and to care and nurture another human being of your own is your right. No one can deny you of that opportunity. And, no man is worth it.

Besides, who knows what the future holds for you. You could leave the relationship, adopt a beautiful child, and you meet another wonderful, caring, loving, supportive, and hard-working “good black man.” And, he may want to have a house full of children. You never know. So, don’t get stuck in the familiar, and get tunnel-vision. Besides, I’m sure you’ve done a lot of bending and sacrificing, and being supportive of him and his ideas. Why can’t he bend and sacrifice for you? Sometimes many women get into relationships and give up themselves and lose themselves for a man and what he wants. You go with the flow, and then you regret that when it’s time for you to voice your opinion, and ask for support that your man chucks it up, and dismisses you and your dreams, ideas, and hopes. You stay in the relationship because it’s good, he’s good, and it’s just this one thing he won’t budge on. Well, good is great, but how about better? How about great? Ma’am, you don’t want to stay in a relationship and have regrets for the rest of your life wondering what you should of, could of, would of done if you had adopted a child, and left the relationship. Sometimes you have to step out on faith and trust God. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
       

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