Dear Bossip: I’m In A New Happy Relationship, But My Ex Keeps Calling, Texting & Leaving Messages

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I have had really bad luck in relationships until recently. However, I am still in a tough situation.

My on-again off-again ex-boyfriend, “John” and I dated for about 5 years. John put me through hell. He cheated on me with another girl the whole entire relationship (I was unaware until the end), and he disrespected me so much. Finally, at the end of the relationship John told me to move out of his place because I wasn’t the girl he wanted to be married to for the following reasons: I wasn’t educated (I had just barely started college). I didn’t have a great job (I worked as a bank teller). And, I had a child from a previous relationship (he did not want kids with somebody who already had kids).

So, John told me to move out so he can live the life he wants to live; a life that does not have me in it. I was fed up with all of the B.S. so, I told John that if he left me, I would never come back. Well, I stayed true to my word. I did not talk to John for a very long time, and eventually found self-love and self-peace through counseling, therapy, exercise, healing, and prayer.

I eventually ended up in a new relationship with someone who is my best friend. He is everything I ever dreamed of. We have awesome chemistry. He loves my son. We talk about getting married, and he takes good care of me and vice versa. I am about to graduate next semester with my bachelors degree. I plan on pursuing my masters and joining the military to serve our country as well. I have great plans ahead of me. Now that my life is on track, my ex has decided to reenter my life.

He called me after 2 and a half years after our breakup. I made the mistake of answering – and he told me that he is having a baby in a different state with a girl who has slept with all of his friends. She doesn’t know if the baby is his. He is in between jobs and caught an STD. I told him that I wished him the best, and that I was in a healthy relationship now and he needs to move on. Well, now he has been calling me in the evening’s non-stop, and if I don’t answer his calls at night he leaves me a list of text messages saying how much he loves me and regrets things. I’ve awoken to dozens of private calls and messages for several weeks and its driving me nuts! I cannot change my number because I use it for personal and business reasons and I have had it for over 10 years.

I feel bad for not telling my current boyfriend about what is going on. Should I let my boyfriend know that my ex is still calling me? Or should I just let everything pass? I don’t want to start lying by omission to my boyfriend, but I don’t want him thinking there is something going on, when there definitely isn’t. – Frustrated and Annoyed

Dear Ms. Frustrated and Annoyed,

Bravo to you for moving on, getting your life on track, making the necessary changes to better yourself and situation, and for having happiness in a new relationship with a man who loves you, wants to marry you, and who takes care of you and your son. Now that’s how you do it! You let go of the drama, focus on you, reclaim your power and your life, and the love for you will show up.

So, to keep that happiness in your relationship, and to maintain your power and peace in your life, I feel you should tell your boyfriend. Let him know what’s going on and how you don’t want anything to do with your ex, and how he is harassing you. Be honest about the situation. I feel keeping the line of communication open between you and your boyfriend will continue to help keep the line of honesty and trust open between you. You have to trust one another, and be honest with your mate. Keeping this from him will only blow up in your face. Because what if the situation escalates between you and your ex, and your boyfriend finds out about it. He will ask you why didn’t you tell him sooner. And, you will find yourself stumbling and bumbling talking about you didn’t want to worry him, or you thought you could handle it.

You have to have trust in your relationship, and honest communication. You have done nothing wrong. Your ex is harassing you, and he won’t leave you alone. Therefore explain to your boyfriend that your ex reached out to you. And, since you haven’t spoken to him in over two and a half years, you were not expecting to hear from him. Now, he keeps calling, leaving messages, and sending text messages. You don’t want anything to come between you and your boyfriend, especially an ex who threw you out of his home, told you he didn’t love you, and basically made you feel like you were nothing to him. And, all of a sudden he has had an epiphany that you are the woman for him, and he wants to come back. Get the freak out of here! Keep his a** out of your life and in your past.

So, with that, tell your boyfriend because I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate your man keeping it a secret from you if one of his ex-girlfriends started calling him, leaving messages, and sending text message. You surely wouldn’t like the idea of his ex harassing him, and he’s trying to move on with his life and build something with you. Therefore, be honest, explain to your man what has happened, and how to handle the situation.

You have two options: The next time your ex calls, let your boyfriend answer the phone. Let him talk to him man to man. He can let him know that you have moved on, he is your new man, and he doesn’t appreciate him calling your phone. He needs to leave you alone, and respect the fact that he is your man, and he needs to fall back. This is his warning to stop calling.

Or, you can change your number. And, yes, you mentioned that you have had your number for 10 years, and that you use it for business and personal reasons. However, if he continues to harass you leaving messages, sending texts, and incessantly calling, then you will have to change your number. You can prepare the change by letting all your business and personal contacts know that your number has changed, and that you are sorry for the inconvenience. You can do this by email, or by making a simple call which will take all of two minutes. It may be tedious, but it will definitely be worth it in the long run.

Look, unfortunately, and although you’ve told your ex to move on, stop calling, and leave you alone, he won’t get the message by you ignoring him. Therefore you have to take the drastic measure to get him out of your life, and to stop harassing you. It’s sad that you can’t get a restraining order because someone keeps calling and texting you. Sorry, there are no laws for that. The police will tell you the same thing, “Change your number.” So, don’t make this a bigger issue than it is by letting it build up, and thinking you can ignore your ex and he will go away. You have options. You were big enough, strong enough, and wise enough to move on before. Now, use the same power and inspiration to keep your past in the past. Be honest with your boyfriend, and let him know what’s going on. And, continue to move forward with your life. Don’t let this setback, and visit from your past ruin your present and future. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
     

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