Dear Bossip: After 2 Years Of Dating He Wants To Break Up Because He Says We’re At 2 Different Stages

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. He’s 27 and I’m 23.

Our relationship has been great so far and we’ve been in a long distance relationship since fall 2013 because he has to go to school up north. But, the relationship stays okay and to be honest, I was getting used to it already.

Last night he opened up to me and said that he was thinking of breaking up with me. Not because I’m bad or anything, but because he realized that we are not at the same stage in life right now. He’s at the point where he doesn’t want to just date, he wants a steady relationship that leads to marriage. Then, he said that if we do get married, he’s worried my parents will meddle too much. Right now we agreed to ask our closest friends to give us opinions on what to do with our situation.

I honestly don’t see why we have to break up. Besides, the fact that I love him and I can see us being together in the future, I’m also supportive and will always support him in whatever he does. I know for a fact that if I want to marry him I will have to wait for a while because he still needs to finish law school, but I’ve been content with the idea of that for as long as I could remember. If he thinks he needs to prioritize school then I totally understand and I want to be there for him when he needs me. So, why should we break up anyways, right? – Why Break Up

Dear Ms. Why Break Up,

A few things stood out to me instantly from your letter:

1.)    “…the relationships stays okay and to be honest, I was getting used to it already.”

2.)    “…he’s worried my parents will meddle too much.”

3.)    “I know for a fact that if I want to marry him I will have to wait for a while because he still needs to finish law school.”

4.)    “…but, I’ve been content with the idea of that for as long as I could remember.”

Being “used” to something, and being “content” in a relationship shows there is no growth. You are complacent. It’s become boring, drab, and much of the same thing day in and day out. You are comfortable with one another, and if isn’t broke then why fix it. Eventually, it will fizzle out, and one of you will cheat because you grow tired of the same ole thing over and over again. If you are in a rut, and you become used to it, and content, then it’s time to spice it up, revisit your relationship, and have a serious conversation of what to do to keep it alive.

Then, he said that you two are not in the same stage in life right now. Could it be because of the “used” to something and “contentment” that you feel, and he possibly feels as well? He’s moving forward with his life, but what are you doing? Are you moving forward with your life? What are you goals, dreams, and aspirations?

Perhaps he wants a break to see what else is out there, and he wants to explore, have fun, and see other women. Besides, he is away at school, and I’m sure he is meeting various women who are either doing their thing, and are engaging him emotionally, mentally, and physically. And, I am not saying you don’t do those things, but he is away at school. You have a long distance relationship with someone who is in college. What do you think is going on? You are 23-years old and he’s 27-years old and in school. He is meeting women your age as well as his own age who are stimulating him intellectually, and probably challenging him conversationally. Again, are you in school, what are you doing with your life, what do you have going on?

Seriously, I’m curious to know what you are doing at 23-years of age. You didn’t mention if you were in school, working, or whatever you’re doing. But, if you are not in school, and he is moving forward, then I’m sure he probably feels that he is making progress and you are not.

Look, I’m all for love, and building relationships, however, I’m concerned that you are too much in love with him and willing to put your life on hold while he pursues his dreams. Never, ever put your life on hold for someone else. It creates resentment, jealousy, envy, and bitterness. Because when it’s time for you to pursue your dreams, and go after your goals after you’ve been there for them, they will definitely feel as if you should have been doing something with your life all along.

Also, you didn’t mention in your letter that he was in love with you and if he was willing to put his life on hold for you. He is going for his, and has a plan. He has a goal. He is in school, and plans to go to law school, which means he wants to be a lawyer. You didn’t mention any of your aspirations, dreams, or goals. Hmmm…

If he is saying he wants to break up with you because he is not interested in dating, but he wants a steady relationship that leads to marriage, then, he doesn’t consider you marriage material. He only sees your relationship as “dating.” It’s not serious, and he is not sure if he can be serious with you. But, notice how you opened your letter, you said that you’ve been dating for two years. YOU ARE ONLY DATING. That’s exactly what he doesn’t want any longer. The relationship has become stagnant, it isn’t going anywhere, and after those two years he’s decided he’s ready to move on. Besides, and again, you mentioned in your letter that you’re content and it’s okay. And, you seem to be more into him than he is into you.

Finally, he has a genuine concern that your parents will meddle in your relationship if you get married. Something about you and your parents is pushing him away, and it could be the type of relationship you have with your parents, and he isn’t interested in someone whose parents are that influential over their life, and what they do. I’m speculating. But, you and he need to have a serious conversation and you ask him what does he mean by that statement. What is saying about you and your parents relationship? What does he think of your parents?

Look, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your dating status, and see if he is interested in moving forward into a serious relationship. But, why would you? He’s laid out several things that he implicitly feels are not working, and even yourself mentioned the relationship is content, and okay. Being on two different pages, and at two different stages in your life does put a strain on a relationship. Maybe it’s time you created some goals for yourself, start living your dreams, and doing what makes you happy. Stop focusing all your energy on him, and waiting on him. I’m sure once you start rearranging your life from circling around him, you will find that perhaps he may not be the one. – Terrance Dean

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