Dear Bossip: He Disrespects His Mother, Fought My Brother & Argued With My Dad & After 10 Years I’m Afraid To Go

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my children’s father for over 10 years now. We’ve had some good times and we’ve definitely had our share of the bad.

He’s cheated on me. He’s put the kids and I out of the house (the house is in his name). He’s cussed and demeaned me, got into an argument with my dad, fought one of my brothers, and has hit our children (Mainly our daughter. He has no respect for women).

He’s controlling. He will even disrespect his mom and expect her to apologize to him if they have a falling out (He pretty much expects everyone to apologize cause he’s never wrong), and he reminds me of a narcissistic person.

He will work, and he does make sure he provides what we need, want, and that bills get paid. He can be plenty fun, but don’t let him feel like the attention isn’t on him anymore, or don’t challenge anything he says. I know I need to leave. He often threatens with fighting for custody of our kids if I leave him. I’ve tried in the past to leave, but he’ll come by my job and constantly call my job. He’ll stake out my friends’ or families’ homes, or he’ll actually fight me. I’m only 4’11, and he’s 5’11, so, I stand no chance. A small part of me worries about what others will say, and if he’ll really take me to court for custody, and if he’ll be ok (or he’ll make out ok in the house with all the bills). I am afraid of him. Wow! I actually said it out loud!!! Thanks for your time. – Ready To Leave

Dear Ms. Ready To Leave,

It’s time to go!

It’s time to go!

It’s time to go!

You are in an abusive relationship. It is domestic abuse, and you are a victim. I’m glad that you actually said it out loud, and you found the strength to write a letter. This is the first step in knowing something is wrong, and you need to do something. Now, it’s time to create a plan, put it into action, and move! You said that you are afraid of him, and, yes, you should be very afraid of him.

Ten years of dealing with this madness, and craziness is not worth it, and nor do you deserve it. If you fear him, and you feel your life is in danger, which it is, then it’s time you went to the police, got a restraining order, packed you and your children’s things, and move the hell up out of that house. He can have that –ish! Let him have it. House full of drama, and pain. Let him rot in it!

But, I want you to notice that your victimization has you feeling guilty if you leave him because you’re wondering how he will pay the bills and survive without you. You have what is called Stockholm Syndrome: When the victim falls in love with the abuser, justifies their behavior, and emotionally and mentally connects with the abuser by rationalizing their good traits despite their abusiveness and bad traits. (Research this on your own)

So, it’s time to set up contingency plans, such as saving money and putting it away in an account he is unaware of, slowly packing and moving your things out of the house and putting them in storage or your parent’s house, and figuring out where you will move, and finding a place of your own. Either move in with your parents temporarily, or find an apartment far, far away in another city in your state. But, you’ve got to get away from him because his controlling, manipulative, and explosive personality will eventually do more damage physically, mentally, and emotionally to you.

I don’t condone violence, but you should consider a CCW, and taking a course and protecting yourself. If this MoFo wants to show up at your friend’s and family home, and coming to your job harassing you, then he will stop at nothing to get to you. PROTECT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!

This fool doesn’t love you. He wants to control you. He doesn’t like you. He wants to own you. You’ve already pointed out that he is a narcissist, and he’s fought your brother, argued with your dad, disrespects his own mother, demeaned you and physically abused you, and he’s put you and his own children out of the house, which he owns and your name is not on the lease. Ma’am, please acknowledge that a man who will put his own children out of the house, and will fight your family members, and even disrespect his own mother is dangerous, and that he will eventually kill you!

If you can’t find the strength to do things on your own, then I strongly urge you to find the local shelter or women’s domestic violence group, or organization, in your city, confide in one of the counselors of what’s going on, and they can help you in how to proceed, and set up strategies to get away from him. They will also help you with informing the local police, and getting the courts involved for you and your children’s safety.

Also, you should go to the human resources office of your job and express to them what’s going on. I’m sure you job will have some provisions in place for employees who are in domestic abusive relationships. And, you need to let them know that he is harassing you on the job, and I’m sure they can get some security measures in place to protect you and the work environment of your fellow employees.

Lastly, you need a strong network of supporters including your friends and family members who can help you transition and move on with your life. Hopefully they can be a network of resources, encouragement, and strength. They can become your village and reinforcement of helping you to get yourself together so that you don’t go back to him. Get into therapy, and begin the work on undoing 10 years of emotional, mental, and physical abuse. You have to save yourself, or you will lose your life, and your children will grow up without a mother. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
     

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