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Dear Bossip,

I have been dating this guy for almost 5 years. He’s better than my ex-husband that I had over twenty plus years.

I handle all his affairs, money, taxes, you name it. He even let’s me get credit in his name, and drive any of his cars that he has. But, I’m not sure if we are meant to be because he is a grown man who has never owned a house, and he started getting credit because of me. I have my own home and cars. I was established before I met him, and doing well for myself. But, now it’s even better because he helps me out, not a lot, but if I need it or ask him for something. But, he is ok with where he lives and tells me I am not ready for marriage. He never can explain what it is and why I am not ready for him to marry me.

I have never met his mom or his kids. I have never let him meet my parents because I am not sure if we will be together, and I won’t put myself out there letting my family meet him and then we break up. I am old fashion on some things. He gets mad if say I am going to the movies while he goes out he acts more like a child than anything. He gets mad and he doesn’t call or text unless he needs something done.

I am tired of this childless relationship. I don’t feel that I am benefitting from it anymore. I have asked him why are you with me if I am not ready for the marriage thing? Tell me what should I do? – Ms. Hideaway

Dear Ms. Hideaway,

Sigh! Why would this man marry you? Seriously, why? This relationship is of convenience. Not for you, but more so for him. He is using you, and obviously you don’t mind being used because you benefitted from it in some capacity. You even said so in your letter. When you needed help or whenever you need anything he is there for you. You even said that your situation has improved because of the access you have to his life. You drive his cars, have gotten credit in his name, and you’re getting sex from him. In his head it’s a win/win for the both of you. He allows you to work on him, fix him up, and take care of him, and he helps you out when you need anything, and to give you some good loving here and there.

Sidebar note:  Stop equating sex with like and love. Stop equating sex with like and love. Stop equating sex with like and love.

He is never going to marry, and doesn’t want to marry you. Notice he shifts the blame of marriage onto you, and claims you are not ready for marriage. And, here is the reason why, and how can I say this gently…you’re basic. A basic woman with basic needs. You don’t require much, and therefore he’s not going to give you much more. You don’t require any effort because you’re not worth the effort. You’re simple. Basic.

Basic women are those types of women that men say, “She’s alright.” They are nonchalant about you. You’re nothing to brag about. You’re neither good or bad. It’s just basic. And, there are many people in your life whom you will meet and feel that way about them. They are just okay. You have no feeling about them either way. You can chill with them, but you’re not calling them to go chill with them. If they leave your life, you’re okay with it because they really didn’t matter. So, with that, the relationship you have with your so-called boyfriend, I say embrace your basic-ness!

Now, along with your basic-ness, you’re what I like to call, “a fixer-upper,” you are the “clean up” woman. You help him get his life in order, change his ways, improve his situation, make him better, yet, he will never marry you. He is not invested in you as much as you are invested in him. That will explain why he keeps saying you are not ready for marriage. He doesn’t want to take the responsibility of saying he is not ready to marry you because he is not interested in marrying you. He doesn’t see you as a wife, but as a friend with benefits who helps him to improve and become better for the next woman. You’ve fixed him up, turned his life around, and cleaned him up. Therefore, don’t be surprised when he shows up, or pops up with another woman and they are getting married. You got him ready for the next woman and she gets to benefit from your work, fixing, and cleaning him up.

But, as a grown woman and who’s been married before, ask yourself why do you think he never let you meet his mom or his kids? It’s been five years and you’ve made him better, done all this work for him, and cared for him, however, you’re not good enough to meet his mom or kids. Now, what does that say about you? I don’t understand you women who will play second, third, and fourth fiddle to some man who insists on hiding you from his family, loved ones, and other aspects of his life. But, this will explain why there are so many basic women in the world who don’t require much, and will settle for their basic position in these men’s lives. However, on the flip side, you said you never introduced him to your mom. Why not? Obviously you’re not that interested in him either.

Lastly, notice that when you go out and do things for yourself and he gets upset and he doesn’t call or text you until he needs something. Ma’am, he doesn’t need you until he wants something. HELLO! He’s needy, whiny, and childish. He is a little boy who has you, “his momma,” to take care of him. You put his life in order, take care of his money, tell him how to spend it, when to spend, where to spend it, do his taxes, and handle all his affairs. You are taking care of a little boy, and you’re f***ing him while doing so. If you keep giving and giving, and giving with nothing in return, then, yes, you are correct that you are not benefitting any longer. You’re giving to him emotionally, mentally, and physically, and he is exerting all your energy. Stop being his momma, and be his woman. Stop letting him suck on the tit!

Take this as a lesson learned, and the role you played as a basic, fixer-upper, clean up woman who have made him better for the next woman. You have exerted and invested five years of your life into a man who is not, will not, and does not plan on making you his wife. You can walk away from this relationship, be grateful that you got what you could from the relationship, but in the future never ever make someone a priority in your life when you are an option in theirs. If you are that expendable to someone, and they only use you for when they need or want something, then you need to ask yourself why did you allow this happen, and why were you so desperate to have them in your life. –Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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