Bossip Video

Dear Bossip,

Lordsy, Mister Dean, I do believe I might qualify as your best donkey encounter in a while.

They’re just gonna park the short bus outside and idle for me while I’m pouring my heart out to you today.

I know that people if they knew about my situation would tell me that I’m pathetic and need some help. The problem is that I’ve hit the proverbial wall. I can’t walk away from the love I feel. And, I need you to tell me why my heart won’t let go.

Back story (as quick as possible): I have a 9-year old boy. I raise him alone. His sperm donor (“SD”) and I were supposed to get married. Instead, he thought it would be better if he turned into a violent drug addict. I was living in a daily nightmare with that man that never stopped.

Fate stepped in and brought a different man into my world. Someone who could look at the bruises, sprains, crutches and bloody noses, and tell me I was beautiful. Meeting him made the world of difference and gave me the courage to leave my hellish nightmare. It wasn’t easy. In fact, the night the situation imploded I wound up with a fractured jaw, sitting in a car covered in glass and blood because the SD punched through a car window to get to me.

Terrorized and hysterical, I finally lost my mind on that bastard. I had him arrested. All I wanted was freedom. That was the most incredible feeling. Freedom. Knowing that he was locked up and couldn’t control my life anymore, and knowing that even if he got out, I was done. That me and my son were free. The words are not enough to explain it adequately. I was done with him and nothing or no one could make me go back to that hell. All because Fate brought this other man into my life and opened my eyes. He was my hero.

So, here is the new man. A love born of appreciation that grew to be so much more. The man had baggage, however. Lord, did he ever have some baggage. Not the least of which was a baby moms who gave “psycho” a whole new meaning. She had him locked up all the time. Would tell the police he hit her. Now, coming from the situation that I did, if anyone could tell you what kind of man he was at his heart and how that was not him to do that it was me.

Her lies and insanity was nonstop. She didn’t know about me for a few years. When she found out she tried some of her psycho games on me. I’m grown though. (Put away the blank stare Sir, I know how that sounds. LOL!) I wouldn’t play her games and she discovered quickly that they wouldn’t work on me. She did some serious damage to his psyche. I loved him anyway.

Fast forward almost 8 years. He and I are still in each other’s lives. Many hurdles and hard times and he stepped up and took care of my son. He lives 2 hours away. He has for most of the last 7 years. We’ve been “long distance.” Anything he has wanted to do to make his life better, I’ve supported. Every dime I could spare, hell, every dime I sometimes couldn’t spare has gone to help him succeed. He’s come so far. He has been to war with the psycho many times and has come out of it alive.

So, what the hell is the problem? He met someone else. I’m not naive enough to think it’s the first time. What’s different? He married the new woman. When? I’m not really sure. The timeline of when he was last here to when he showed up and informed me? Roughly 9 months. At first I didn’t believe him. So, what happened? A lot of tears. A lot of sorrow. A lot of passion and making love. Yup, I was that one. The one who knew what he did and made love to him anyway. Repeatedly.

In the month since I’ve known, he’s been here 3 times. We’ve spent hours talking and loving. He’s still in love with me. And, he says he also loves her. She found some suspect stuff on his phone and texted me from it. Thinking it was him I answered the texts. That was an eye opener for her. He didn’t blame me. It didn’t stop him from coming back here though. It didn’t stop me from opening up my legs and loving him again and again.

Sex has always been an incredible connection between me and him. See, the SD was lousy in bed. That idiot couldn’t find a G-spot with a flashlight and a map. My son’s conception was a miracle. I could’ve named him Jesus. But, this man? OMG! Yes, I know how that sounds. Yes I am addicted to it. I don’t know if a 12-step program would even help me there.

So, here I am. I still love him, so very much. You would think that after all of this I would not feel the same about him. I do. My love for him surprises me with how strong it is. The new woman (notice I can’t bring myself to refer to her as to what she is? Yeah I notice it to) might buy the story he is selling her for now. He is talking about him and I having a baby. Huh??? He doesn’t want to lose me or her. Um, boo boo, even a broad with a 3rd grade education can do math and will know that all your denials ain’t –ish and a baby will prove it. The craziest thing, I want this baby. Why? I can say all the reasonable love answers but I know the real truth. That I want it to force the issue of choice and make him come back to stay. I can hear you now, Mr. Dean. I hear the, “Chile, puhleeze!” coming at me.

What’s my other excuse? My son. He loves this man. The SD cannot be bothered with him unless he wants to pop up and convince someone else (usually his victim of the moment) that he’s super dad. My son has been through so much in the past few years (a young close friend of his died from cancer, discovering he has a half-brother out there, the death of 2 other people in his world, a douche bag teacher who makes him miserable, and a bully situation).

Losing this man now would be so difficult for him. In order for me to walk away, my son would have to let go too. Then, there is the heart of me that doesn’t want to walk away. Yes, I know what that makes me and while it doesn’t sit right with me every minute of every day, I know that my love for him is deeper and stronger than anything else. And, if this situation hasn’t shaken it loose, what the hell can? What if she became pregnant, too? That might not even do it. How insane am I? Am I destined to be that dumb bird forever? Just because I know him better than anyone and love him still, that will never be enough will it? Nothing will break his need of having a safety net or needing me to be that safety net no matter what? Ok, tell the short bus to pull up. I’m gonna wear my pretty white coat tuhday. – Crazy In Love

Dear Ms. Crazy In Love,

You can’t leave, won’t leave, and refuse to leave because as you said in your letter: He is your hero. He is your savior.

He saved you at the moment and point in your life when you were at your lowest. He saw a woman bruised, battered, and beaten. He lifted you from the despair of your abuser. He stepped in and told you that you were beautiful. He held you and comforted you. He made you feel good about yourself. And, because you were lonely, unhappy, abused, and tired, you needed someone to make you feel whole, and wonderful. You needed someone to make you feel special. So, he took advantage of a woman who was at her lowest, with no self-esteem, and no self-worth. He rescued you, and now you feel indebted to him.

And, because you feel indebted to him, loyal to him, dedicated to him, you won’t leave him. You and so many woman, and men out there unfortunately stay in these types of relationships with “the savior,” because you were a “victim.” You cannot leave the savior because they were there for you when no one else was there. They stood by your side. Helped you to recover, and rebuild. They helped you to reclaim your power. Therefore, you feel you owe them.

You will spend your money on them, or give it to them. You will defend them despite their flaws and wrongdoings. You will never see their wrongs because they were there for you when you down and out. They saw through the hurt, pain, and aguish, and, therefore, you will look through theirs. You will have sex with them, recklessly, even when they are in another relationship with someone else. You fall in love with them knowing the relationship is one of savior and victim. And, you will forever stay, holding on to hope, doing any and everything possible to keep them in your life because you don’t want to lose them.  Even considering having a baby with him despite him marrying another woman.

Yet, you claim you know him, and for the past 7 years you’ve been in a long distance relationship. You’ve suspected there were other women, but you didn’t say anything, because as you said you were so desperate for love, for his love, that you were willing to show him how much by opening your legs every time he wanted and needed you. And, he didn’t want or need you, he wanted your body. Not your emotions or mentality. He wanted your body, and you are willingly giving it to him. SMDH!

You don’t know him as well as you think you do. He married another woman despite him telling you that he loves you. YOU DON’T KNOW HIM! He’s a user, a manipulator. He preys on women like you. You were vulnerable and he saw that. He preyed on you. He took advantage of your situation, and now look at you. SMDH!

He doesn’t love you. He loves your sob story and your pain. He loves your drama because you are drenched in it. He loves making love to the weak woman who has low self-esteem, and no self-worth because he knows you will give your all in sex. The best sex is with someone who suffers from low self-worth and no self-esteem because they equate sex with love and will give their all during sex to prove their love. They will freak your brains out!

Please do not have a baby with this man. Bringing a child into this drama will only create more havoc. You and he are not equipped emotionally or mentally to care for a child, which you only want to have because you want to keep him in your life. You are using a baby as a pawn to make him choose you over another woman. That will not make him stay with you, or make him choose you over her. You claim you know better, but why are you acting as if you only have a 3rd grade education? Cluck, cluck! You are not emotionally well or mentally stable to handle another child in your life by another man who is only using you for sex. If you really evaluate the situation you will see that he is not brining anything to the table but drama. However, you are so caught up in your misery, pain, and desire to please him that you are overlooking the damage and severity of his actions.

He is a married man. He is cheating on his wife with you. You are the forever side piece. The miserable chick where he finds solace for his drama, and you take him into your arms and in between your legs to console him. Two miserable people trying to save each other. Misery loves company.

Oh, by the way, you love drama. You are attracted to it. You were in an abusive relationship with a drug addict, and look at all the drama he put you through. Then, you rebound with another man who has baggage and drama. Yeah, you dealt with baby momma drama, yet, stayed with him. And, now he’s married, and you’re still determined to stick by his side, even through the drama that he is taking you and her through.  You need therapy. You need serious counseling. There is something deeper that you need to resolve, and it could be why do you feel you are a victim? You have a victim’s attitude. The woe-is-me, and I need someone to help me and save me. Why are you always looking for a savior?

I know you are not going to leave him because you feel indebted to him. You feel you owe him. And, you are imparting this victim behavior onto your son. Notice how you say your son is attached to him, and looks up to him. You are training your son to be just like you. So, I strongly suggest finding a licensed therapist, or psychologist. You need to speak with a professional to get to the root of your mental and emotional issues. Also, find a spiritual home, a place where you can work on your spiritual well-being. Giving all your energy, and relinquishing all your power to another person is dangerous. Oh, the short bus will be at your door shortly. – Terrance Dean

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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