I have been with my boyfriend for three years.
We met in college, and from the beginning things have always been very great between us. He always found a way to make me feel important in his life. We have a one year old daughter together and our relationship is okay.
However, for the last two years he has not held down a consistent job. When we first got together I had just moved back to my hometown and he was going back to school to finish his degree (having left for a year to help his family). After dating for a year, and him spending numerous nights over at my place, we came to an agreement that as long as he was in school full-time I would take care of our bills and living expenses until he graduated and found work.
Things were great. He made great grades and everything was okay. Then, I became pregnant right around his graduation. So, he graduated and he wanted to move back to his hometown, because we lived in my hometown for two years where he was attending college. I agreed because it was fair and his family and I have a great relationship. We relocated and my job transferred me. Of course the job market was very slim so it was hard for him to initially find work. However, he did land a job with the help of a family friend but it was not full-time. But it was a job.
So, we both worked, and then around the time our newborn was three months old there were layoffs and his job was cut. I came off of maternity leave at 8 weeks to help pay for our expenses while his grandmother provided free child care (a blessing). Fast forward two months later. I landed a better job making more money and accepted that position, and he has not worked or held down a consistent job since that time. Then to add insult to injury I work nonstop and come home to still cook, clean, and take care of our daughter. He is home all day and his grandmother watches our daughter while I work some days 12 hours.
The romance has stopped. I don’t feel significant, and although he is a good father to our daughter he is not able to provide for or contribute in any way to the household. If he is home why can’t he watch our daughter or cook, clean, and bathe her when I work late? When I mention work it’s always that Harpo answer, “I’s gettin’ too it,” and never any follow through.
I have kicked and screamed. I have created resumes, applied for jobs, sent him spreadsheets of offers in our area, yet, he won’t even take the time to fill them out. I am tired and I have one child on this earth to worry about. But, if I kick him out he has no place to go. My question to you is do I continue to run myself into the ground for somebody who has no personal drive or kick his butt to the curb and let somebody else worry about his living arrangement? I don’t want to be an “angry black woman,” and take our daughter away from her father, but I am tired, broke, and confused. Either way it goes I am beyond fed up. Help!!!! – Exhausted, Broke, and Confused
Dear Ms. Exhausted, Broke, and Confused,
Welp, your problems began when you were in college and he moved in with you, and you agreed to take care of him, pay the bills and living expenses so long as he was in school full-time. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Now, unless he was in law school or medical school, then I can understand. But, he was in undergraduate school, earning his Bachelors degree, and living off you for FREE! You didn’t require much of him, therefore, he didn’t give you nothing in return.
I’ll be damned if someone is living with me and I’m taking care of the bills and living expenses, and all you have to do is go to school. I’m sorry Ms. Honey, but there was nothing to prevent him from working and going to school at the same time. Plenty of people do it. But, he took advantage of a situation, and you agreed to it. You enabled him. You women better stop babying and taking care of these abled bodied men who can work. The hell is wrong with y’all!?!? I swear many of you are confusing nurturing with mothering and coddling.
Now, don’t you think it would have been more commendable and more admirable for him to say to you, “You know what, I’m not going to let you pay for everything. As a man, I am going to find a part-time job while in school so I can help out, and take some of the burden off you. I don’t feel comfortable having you pay for everything and in taking care of me.”
Sorry sweetie, I don’t have any sympathy for you. This is what happens when you want to play house, but you’re not married, and you let a man lay up in your house and bring nothing to the table. D** doesn’t pay the bills. It won’t pay the rent, and it certainly won’t clean the house, cook, or find a job. You created this situation, and now you are trying to rectify the monster you created.
Notice that when you moved to his hometown that you were able to get your job to transfer you, and keep your job. He couldn’t find a job. It was a family friend who helped him to find a part-time job. Notice that someone else stepped in to help him find a job. (Peep game sweetie! Your man is lazy) Then, after you give birth to your daughter, you come off maternity leave and are able to find a better job with more pay. However, he loses his part-time job, and has yet to find another one. You help him look for jobs, filling out applications, sending out his resumes, locating jobs for him, and you practically do all the leg work, yet, he doesn’t follow through. Hmmm….
But, notice the pattern: When you were in your hometown and he was in college, he was living with you for FREE while you took care of the bills and living expenses. Now, years later, you’re in his hometown, with an addition to your relationship of a baby, and he is yet again living with you for FREE while you take care of the bills and living expenses! This is a problem.
He is trifling and lazy. He has no ambition. He is not interested in working. He wants someone to take care of him. Girl, this fool won’t even take care of his own daughter. His grandmother is providing child care while he sits home and does what? What is he doing all day while you are working all day? He doesn’t value you, your relationship, and will continue to take advantage of this situation.
So, you need to take drastic actions, and drastic measures. You and he need to sit down and you and have a conversation about your relationship, where it’s going, and the household. You have to explain to him that you are not going to work all day while he sits home and does nothing. Unless he is out looking for a job, or going to interviews, then, there is no reason his grandmother should be caring for his child. Also, he can contribute to the household by cooking, cleaning, and pitching in with other things around the house. Why would he sit in the house and wait for you to get home after a long day’s work and allow you to cook, clean, and care for your daughter? As a man, and a man who loves his woman and child, wouldn’t it make him feel better if he is helping and contributing to the household and not adding more stress to the situation?
You let him know that this has been going on for far too long, and you are tired of it. He needs to find some motivation, and some ambition, because beginning today he has three months to find a job, any job, part-time, or full-time. He needs to bring some income into the home, food in the cabinets and fridge, and help out with your daughter.
Also, you are not going to play house anymore without a plan for marriage. If there is no working toward furthering the relationship, and building toward a family unit as a married couple, then he needs to go. You can do bad all by yourself. Ma’am, you can’t worry about if he has no place to go, or what will happen to him. Let him go live with his grandmother. Hell, he wants someone to take care of him anyway, and she loves to take care of children.
If you keep allowing this behavior from him, then it will exacerbate adding more stress to your relationship, and affecting your romantic life. Nip this in the bud today! You don’t need another grown a** child in your home, especially one who can work, and contribute to the household. Stop this –ish, and stop babying him. – Terrance Dean
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