Dear Bossip: He Keeps Going Back And Forth Between Me And Her, But I’m Tired Of It

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

This story is about a man I was with named “Buddy.” I have been having bad luck also. I can’t find work, losing my unemployment, and about to lose my car.

The story goes like this: A friend tells me about a man in prison. I met this man before in 2005, and I started writing him. We became close however he was in a relationship that ended 4 months before he was talking to me. He was talking with a woman via letters and the woman married another man. So, we had that in common or so I thought.

He asked me if he could move into my mom’s home. I didn’t want to at first (I should have listened to my first mind), so, he lived with me. I clothed him, fed him, took him places, and I didn’t even make a lot of money at my new job. But, I supported him thinking he really loved me because I loved him. But, I always felt something in the back of my mind. He got a job at a tire place and started saving up his money and he moved into a room not too far from me. We used to argue a lot at my place because I felt he was freeloading after a while. So, I stayed with him at his room and he’d come and stay with me at my mom’s house and we were fine.

Now, my mom’s has Alzheimer’s. One day, on January 22nd, we had an argument at my mom’s house and he left, as usual. When we argue I’d always beg him back. So, I said let me not do it this time to see if he cares. One month passed and he didn’t call.  Two months passed and he didn’t call. I was texting him. I tried calling, but he never answered. One day a woman called me and asked me why was I calling her man’s phone. I said I didn’t know he moved on and I will not bother him again. She told me she knew we argued on January 22nd, and that she met him outside of a store. She didn’t have anywhere to live with her 14 year old daughter.  He told her she could move into his room, and she moved in January 26th. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe all I did for him, and all the love I showed him he, yet, he did this to me.

Well, the relationship went back and forth for months. The lady turned out to be very crazy. Her arrest record was taller than me: slashing a boyfriend’s face in Connecticut, and every man she moved in with down here in our city took her to court to get her moved out.

He’d come back and tell me he’s sorry. He’d have meetings explaining to my kids that he was sorry for everything he put me through. But, the lady harassed me to the point I was going crazy. She even called me from his phone. I went to the court house to get a restraining order on her, but they couldn’t give it to me because she called from blocked numbers. I held his back and went through this drama with him because NO MEN WILL TALK TO ME.

I sometimes feel that something is wrong with me. I cook, clean, show love, and I cater to this man, but he preferred a crazy woman. So, finally on December 31st, he comes to my house once again with the same story (Which I now see as a pattern. When she gets crazy and leaves him, or he calls the police on her he comes to me). But, he cares for her all the time. I thought he cared for me. So, on January 1st, he leaves my home and he goes home to change and he was supposedly to come back to my house. I said for the first time I am going to his place. Well, I go to his room and she is sitting there with him. I approached them, all the while I was so scared of this woman. But, when she saw me she acted like she wanted to be my best friend.

I learned he only came back to me when they fought. But, she said a lot of times he is with her, he is thinking about me. Last night I was with Buddy and I been with him for two weeks. He told me when I didn’t hear from him it was because he moved into her new place in Hallandale. She put him out 2 weeks later. He had to find a room around where he was. I dropped him off at home and she is in front of his place waiting on him. She tells him she’s moved on and found someone else. She had hickeys on her neck.

She says she will stay away, but she always comes back. He’s been around for 3 weeks, and she’s been away again for a while. I get a text from him saying she has to move and she has nothing but her car. So, I started feeling funny in my stomach. He’s calling me, but he’s been away three days now. I drive by his house and I see her car parked out front. I walk up on her and she’s talking about me to the neighbor. I felt like a jackass because she was wearing his shorts. Her 14-year old daughter was there, and her dog, in a tiny room with a twin bed. The daughter sleeps on the floor.

She calls him and it’s like he’s talking about me to her, and she’s saying, “Okay, okay.” When he just got off the phone telling me if I saw her car parked there she must be parked there waiting on him.

I have been in the bed for three days, and have not showered. I just feel she’s the winner and I am the loser. And, I am so depressed my mom has Alzheimer’s and I feel no one wants me because I care for her. So, since that day he hasn’t been calling or texting. I guess he said his chick is back and he’s not going to risk losing her again. All she does is find guys move in with them, then fight and argue and they put her out, except him. I wish God above would let a man take interest in me. No men ever talk to me.

Presently, he’s been acting like it’s no more her. He’s been around 2 months now. He goes to his place then he comes to mine at night. He’d stay home about two days here and there. He eats my food, drink my drinks, and smoke my stuff. He rides in my car, and provides me with nothing.

Today, something came over me. It says I even feel like he is fed up because when he might crave the other chick he’ll want to stay home, act distance, and blame me for things. Then, I won’t text, or call. He will text or call, and I’ll ignore him for couple of days then I’ll start texting.

Back to this woman, she is psycho, but smart. She’ll change her number, call him from a blocked number, then, she moved and didn’t tell him where she stays, which is right down the street from me. She comes around when she wants to because she says if he can’t stay away from me that’s how it will go. She’ll drive by here and yell things from the car window. The place where she lives my daughter’s girlfriend lives next door and says she has two male visitors all the time.

She’s smart. Every time I stay from him he’ll knock on my window and I accept him back. When she gets evicted, after she stays away she’ll knock on his door to let her stay there until she can figure things out with her 14-year old daughter. It looks like he’s getting wiser and he’s not letting her stay long. But, deep down I think he cares for her more than me because men like drama, confusion, stalkers, and women going through their phones. I’m just not like that. I’m a Libra, and I like love and peace. I’m too gullible for this guy. I feel like so what I was with him for three years, he probably didn’t like me if he moved this chick in with him after a week. – Torn Over Him

Dear Ms. Torn Over Him,

Blank stare! Blank stare! Blank stare!


What the hell did I just read? The hell!?!?!

Looks up to the sky and notices the flock of birds. (Thank goodness they are flying over my neighborhood)

I am not going to spend too much with my answer, because it’s obvious that this ghetto hood triangle will not ever end. The only reason he keeps going back and forth between you and her is because you both allow him to. You are fighting over a man who is nothing but a two-bit hustling bum, and a good-for-nothing piece of -ish who uses women, and preys on their vulnerabilities. Dumbing down is not cute. EVER! Never dumb down for a man, or play yourself.

Let’s look at some facts: You are living at home with your mom who suffers from Alzheimer’s, but you move a man you were corresponding with in prison into your mom’s home against your better judgment. Who the hell does that?

Then, he meets a woman on the street and moves her and her 14-year old daughter into a room he is renting. Who the hell does that?

But, it gets better. You and the woman fight over him, and know about each other, yet, you allow him to go between the both of you because you’re both starved for attention, love, and affection. SMDH! Donkey behavior is only a result of donkey acting.

He goes between you and this woman, however, you keep letting him back into your home, and you know he’s continuing to sleep with her. Why? You are sharing his dirty d**k, and then allow yourself to put up with the drama, stress, and aggravation. Obviously you love it, the drama, the stress, and the back and forth with this man, and this ghetto hood rat behavior you’re a part of.

He is using you and will continue to use you because you don’t love yourself. You have no self-worth, no self-esteem, and no self-value. He doesn’t love you. He is not interested in anything serious with you or her. He is a street con, who won’t accomplish to anything more than living in a tiny room, and having two women fight over him. Eventually, he will leave you both and find another woman to deal with his drama.

He is not a man. He is not willing to work and earn his own way, grow up, and stop living off women, using women, and betraying women. He is a little a** boy with prison psychology living in the ghetto dealing with ghetto birds.

You won’t do any better, and no man will talk with you because they don’t want to get caught up in this drama. Until you clean house, literally and figuratively, then you will not find a man who is willing to invest in getting to know you, or be with you.

Once you remove the drama, and get rid of this man, then you can focus on you. Learning how to re-love yourself. Reinvest in you. Take the energy you investing in him, and invest in yourself. Become active in your church, or spiritual group. Read books on empowerment and inspiration. You can read any of Iyanla Vanzant’s books, or Carol Hill-Mackey’s books. Besides, you have a lot going on in your home. You have a mother who is dealing with Alzheimer’s. You have children. Focus on your home front and making sure your house is in order. Adding another grown a** man/child who is doing nothing but brining extra added stress is not worth your time, or energy.

But, why am I saying all of this. You are not going to listen. You are not going to make any changes. You are caught up in the drama, and the back and forth of this ratchet hood rat behavior. You won’t do better, because you don’t want better. You want him. You even said she won the prize. Ma’am, he is not a prize. Trust and believe. He doesn’t bring anything to the table. He doesn’t have anything. So, let her win. Let her have him. Move on with your life, grow up, get into some serious therapy and counseling because your letter sounds like that of a teenager struggling to graduate high school. SMDH! Woman up! Stop being a doormat, and letting him wipe his crusty a** feet on your back. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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