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Dear Bossip,

I’m a faithful reader/blogger, and I really need some advice, like ASAP!

Okay, well here it goes. I am a 32-year old female who is currently engaged to my boyfriend of 8 years, in which we’ve been off and on. I say off and on because throughout the years we’ve had our differences and so we would agree to part ways.

Well, let’s just say the time we spent “parting ways” were well spent on my part. I had a child from a different guy. I also met different guys and I ended up with someone that I REALLY love. Two years after I had my daughter, however, he was very toxic for me. He is now locked up, which is very good for me because that was the only thing that could of kept me away from him.

So, during that time my ex of 6 years talked about starting over and becoming a family. And, of course during that time my daughter was now 5 years old and I needed stability for the both of us. So, I thought about it and said okay. But, now that we are together all of the reasons we had broken up in the past are now in my head reminding me that I fell out of love with this guy and my heart belongs to someone else that isn’t good for me.

We argue over the smallest things. I’m not physically attracted to him anymore. And, when we make love at times it feels so forced. I do love him, but I just don’t think I’m IN love. We have been back together now for 1 year and throughout that year I have found out that he has a child in the midst of getting back with me. And, I caught him on several different occasions lying about other women that he’s been texting.

I forgave him, only because I know that I have been thinking about my ex, who is locked up, and also at the same time taking his (jail) calls while with my current boyfriend, (I stopped that though). So, now I took this ring and I feel so foolish because I feel I’m forcing myself to be with him. I keep telling myself that the love will grow eventually, but I don’t know anymore if I believe that! Please help. – In Love With Another Man

Dear Ms. In Love With Another Man,

Y’all with these “Hood People Problems.”

So, the only reason you are not with your ex is because he is locked up? SMDH! Despite the relationship being toxic, and he is locked up for a crime. The only thing keeping you away from him is his prison bid? Not the fact that he committed a crime? Not the fact that he is not any good for you, or your daughter? Not the fact that even after he get out of prison his options in having a career will be very limited, and he probably won’t be able to take care of you or your daughter and build a home? All of those reasons do not matter to you, huh?  Girl, please go away!

Oh, and let’s not forget that as soon as he got locked up you are already laying up with another man. Chile, I can see you now:

Phone rings: Caller, you have a call from an inmate from the correctional facility, will you accept the charges?

You: Yes!

Your boo: Babe, I’m locked up. How much money you got? I need you to bond me out.

You: My check didn’t come yet. I got to wait until next month before I can get anything.

Your boo:  Can you get in touch with my momma and see how much she got, or if she can put up the house?

You: Okay. I will call her.

Your boo: I love you gurl!

You: I love you, too

Your boo: You got to hold me down until I get out.

You: How long they talking about giving you?

Your boo: Probably a few years, but I know I can beat this case.

You:  I got you babe. (Scrolls through your phone looking for your ex’s number).

Why are you wasting your time with your boyfriend/fiancé? You don’t want to be with him. He is an opportunity for you. He is nothing to you but a man to give you a few dollars here and there, a home, and a warm bed. He is not a man that you are not in love with, but a man for convenience. A man to take care of you and your daughter. A man you knew would take you in, and give you some security and stability. You are a user, and you went back to an ex because you are an opportunist. Still playing games in the streets, unless you’re a hooker then it will explain everything. Regardless, stop using the only thing that you think you’re good for: Your body.

You and your current boyfriend/fiancé have been off and on for six years, then, you decided to take a break. During that break you had a daughter with another man. But, continued to sleep around with other men, until you found “love.” This love was toxic, and now he is locked up, so you went back to your off again on again ex because you wanted some “stability.” All this sleeping around, giving yourself to random men, looking for love, all in the hopes of finding a new opportunity for someone to take care of you. Well, how about you grow up, take responsibility for your daughter and yourself, and stop looking for a man to take care of you or give you stability. Give your daughter, and your own damn self some stability!

You keep selling yourself, and reducing yourself to only your body. You are a grown, 32-year old woman, running around and laying up with men because you don’t feel as if you have anything to offer other than your body. You are a lost little girl who is desperate, and fractured. Your spirit is dark, and you are a walking zombie letting men use, and take advantage of you. And, you willingly give yourself because you’ve been taught that in order to come up, and to get what you want that you have to sleep with a man, sell yourself, and be willing to give him what he wants in order to get what you want.

And, this is the very lesson you are teaching your daughter. She will grow up to do the very thing you are doing. The cycle will repeat itself because she sees her mother sleeping with different men, taking advantage of situations, and using men to get her way through life. At what point will you stop selling yourself, and giving yourself to men because you need stability and security? At what point will you realize that you are responsible for yourself?

I know that no one taught you this. No one taught you the value of an education, working for what you want, and taking care of yourself. That you can own your own home, car, and put money in the bank. You don’t have to use your body to get what you want, or rely upon a man to take care of you. You probably learned that laying up with a man will get you access to his wallet, and his bed. Even so much so, that you are currently laying up in a man’s bed, took his ring, and despite not being in love with him or being attracted to him, you are willing to put yourself in this situation just for the sake of having stability.

I can’t change hood behavior and hood thinking. You’ve got to want to do that on your own. I can’t undo hood acts based on hood choices. If you want freedom, a new lease on life and to start again, then, give that man his ring back. Let him know that the on again and off again relationship is permanently off. It’s a reason he was an ex. Move on with your life, and change your number. Let go of the ex in prison, and stop taking his calls. There is nothing he can do for you, or offer you. Then, you work on you, reclaiming your spirit, your soul, and your life. And, you work on finding a job and your own home to take care of you and your daughter, alone. Leave men alone for a while. You need to clean your spiritual house, and realize that your body is not your selling tool, or a nut rag for men. Protect and respect your body and respect yourself. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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