Dear Bossip: I Was Dating A Co-Worker & He Left His Ex For Me, But I Learned She Is Still Living With Him

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

Now, I’m prepared for all the short bus jokes and dumb a** comments, but I NEED someone to keep it real for me.

And, I need an outside opinion as I haven’t and can’t confide in any of my friends about this issue. AND, I ALREADY KNOW your opinion on dating in the workplace, but, hey people do it. And it happens, but what I really need is advice.

Here is where we begin. He is a police officer and I am a dispatcher. We work together at the same agency and work similar shifts. When I first met him, he was dating someone. He was honest, and told me up front he was. At that point, it was just an attraction so I didn’t think much of it.

Well, we continued as friends talking at work and exchanging smiles until one day he asked for my number. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to pursue things with me. I’m happy at this point because I like him, and even though I have my reservations about dating officers I figured I would give him a shot.

Things blossomed from this point over months and months. Keep in mind I haven’t given up the goodies yet. We’re both on the same page with that. So, I know he’s not just in it for sex. I share details with him about my past that are troubling, and he is by my side one hundred percent. Until……

He tells me that the “ex-girlfriend” he LEFT for me still lives in the spare bedroom of his house. I was a fool for never inquiring about his living situation after he told me he broke up with her, but well I didn’t. We always spent time together out or at my place and I never found that strange. This man is showing me his phone, and I am seeing the text messages between him and her and it is legit. They are strictly on roommate status, but this still bothers me.

We have A HUGE BLOWOUT and I scream at him, and I still am hurt. This man wants to marry me, have children and start a life. I ignored him after our fight, out of hurt and anger. We are done, but he still sends texts saying he misses me, and, when we work together and he hears my voice on the radio he texts me. I love this man, literally. I’ve been hurt very badly in past relationships and really thought he was the one.

Am I wrong for feeling betrayed?!?!? Update also…currently, she still lives there. I felt like I wanted to work things out because despite this issue he has been great. He won’t say yes to being official again, and says he needs to sort out the living situation and get her out before he can give me his all. What Do I Do? Please Help! Am I Being Played? – Hurt And Confused

Dear Ms. Hurt And Confused,

Wait, hold up! Do you hear that? Look out your window. Do you see the short bus? Grab your helmet and your lunch pail. We can’t hold up traffic.

Chile, I swear if you won’t learn anything, you will learn tuhday. If you take the time to re-read what you wrote, access the situation, and begin to add things up, you will be able to use common sense, and your own better judgment to realize not only are you being played, but he is not in love with you, nor is he that serious about you.

First, you met this man while in the workplace. Yes, that is a no-no. Do not –ish where you sleep, work, or collect a check. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. As you have experienced. But, not only that, you met him while he was in a relationship and, yet, you continued to flirt with him. So, if he’d flirt with you while in a relationship, and pass googly eyes, smiles, and you have this attraction for one another, then what makes you think he won’t do the same thing to you with another woman? SMDH! Simple! Just simple!

Second, you say you can’t go to your friends, or anyone else for that matter, and confide in them about this situation. Why not? Are you afraid they will tell you the truth, and put you’re a** on blast for dating a co-worker, especially a cop? And, because you know the situation is foul your friends will also tell you how foul it is? Girl, if you can’t go to your friends and tell them about your situation, then you are keeping something a secret, or you know that it is wrong. Therefore, no, I am not going to be lenient on you because your a** knows better!

Third, his ex-girlfriend lives with him. Plain and simple. Nothing further needs to be said. He can show you texts from here to Timbuktu. The fact remains that his ex-girlfriend still lives with him.

Four, you were dating him for months and months on end, yet, at no point or no time during all this courting did it occur to him to tell you that his ex-girlfriend lives with him. Yeah, he wants to marry you and have a family. So does Santa Claus and the Easter bunny. How can he move forward into another relationship but his ex is still in the picture? What woman can he take home and have her laid up in the bed and his ex is in the spare room?

He cannot move forward until he cleans up his house. And, you should not be entertaining him until his house is clean. How can you have one foot out the door and the other inside? On date number one he should have been upfront and honest with you and told you the truth. He should have not let months go by without saying anything, and leading you on. But, what I know for sure is that in his head, in the back of his mind, or, perhaps in her head, there was a glimmer of hope of reconciling. Or, at least, sleeping with one another, and they rekindle some type of relationship. They had/have some incomplete business, otherwise, she would not be living in his spare room.

Five, he cannot date or be with another woman until she is out of the picture. If he was serious about you, and he LEFT her for you, then his ex would not be in his spare room living with him. I don’t care how he justifies it, rationalizes it, or even explains it. She should not be there. Therefore, he did not leave her for you. He moved her into another room of his house, and he didn’t even bother to bring you to his home to prove their relationship was over, or to introduce you as his new woman. So, if you were his main woman, his new woman, the woman he wants to marry and start a family with, then he would have introduced you to his ex and told her all of this. She would know all of this. But, he didn’t, and he won’t.

Which leads me to number six. You have never even been to this man’s house. You spent most of the dates at your home, or out at some restaurant. Yet, you didn’t find anything odd about this. SMDH! I swear you women need to wake the hell up, and stop entertaining this foolishness and blinding yourselves with these sweet nothings these men are whispering to you. They are sweet NOTHINGS! NO-THINGS!

Ma’am, you don’t know what his house looks like. You haven’t been inside, in his room, in his bathroom, or any place in his home. For months on end he is at your home, or you’re out together. Yes, that is odd. That is strange. I’ll be damned if I’m dating someone and I never get a chance to go to their home. So, yes, it is unusual to not be invited to a man’s home. If he was that serious about you, and you were his new woman, then he would have no problem taking you home, and doing things at his house.

Lastly, he told you that you and he can’t be official, and that he cannot start anything again until he sorts out his living situation, and get her out of his house. Then, he can give you his all. Uhm, look here, I’m going to blunt with you. They are still f*****g. They are working things out between them while sleeping together. Again, if he was really serious about you, then, she would be out of his house by the end of the week. Or, the very least at the end of the month.

But, you hold out if you want to. You stay waiting, hoping, and wishing that he returns to you. You keep hope alive that he is the “one,” and the love of your life and that you will get married. You keep that dream going. Just know in the meantime, they are working on them, and working out their situation. The lessons for you: DON’T DATE WHERE YOU WORK, SLEEP, OR –ISH! Now, you’ve got to deal with him on the daily, see him, run into him, and keep up the façade that you don’t have any type of feelings behind it. And, if a man just breaks up with his ex, find out if she is still living with him, or if she is in the picture. If she is, then exit stage left. He is not over her. Also, don’t let months and months go by and you’ve never been invited to his home, and you spend the majority of your dates at your home or out. If a man never brings you home, then he is hiding something, or keeping something from you. And, you are not the one for him.  By the way, the short bus is waiting outside for you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Deanloveandrelationships@bossip.com

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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
     

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