Dear Bossip: I Simply Want A FWB Situation, However, They Are Catching Feelings & I'm Not Sure If It's Me

Dear Bossip,

I have a pretty interesting dilemma that I hope you can help me with. I’m in my late 20s, work two jobs and I’m in college.

I’ve had two long term relationships, each lasted about 4 years, both were men who didn’t have a damn thing going for themselves, cheaters, and abusive at times. I’ve realized that I had a lot issues with men that I needed to work on (My dad bounced when I was 1-year old, and I was raped by an ex-boyfriend as a teenager).

I gravitated towards men that hurt me because I’ve been hurt so much during my formative years. So, I’ve been to therapy, diagnosed with depression and gotten the help I really needed.

The other issue I’ve had is that because I was in these relationships for the majority of my 20s, I’ve never had a chance to be free on my own and have the adventures you’re supposed to have during this period of your life. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely got my party on, but I never got to just date and have fun and see what’s out there. I also held back on my career, education, and pursuing my artistic passions because I didn’t want to make my exes feel bad about not having anything.

But, I’m over that, excelling in those three areas and I’m proud of myself. I feel like I’ve made some real changes, and have overcome a lot to become a person that I can love and be happy with. So, what’s the damn problem now? Well, I’ve been interested in having a “Friends With Benefits” situation. I know I’m nowhere near ready to open my heart to love (focusing on myself is way too important right now, too), but a girl has needs!

I’ve never been sexually satisfied in my relationships either, might I add. I’ve tried it three times and so far, no go! It’s always great at first. I’m very up front about what I want. I don’t want any attachments or strings, that while I prefer to share my goodies with one person at a time, I don’t mind him doing him as long as it’s protected and he gets tested regularly (as do I), and that we just have a casual, good time.

Without fail, after a month or two, they start talking about making me their girlfriend, or they’re falling in love with me, or I make them feel bad because I don’t want to spend time with them outside the bedroom. It’s a little ridiculous. I thought it was good jump-off etiquette to come over, chill with a drink or two, get it popping, then, take my a** home. No fuss, no muss, right?

I personally think it’s because I’m so unavailable and they just want to conquer what they can’t have, as opposed to me having a magical va-jay-jay. Should I just hang it up until I’m ready for more from someone, or is there a way I can communicate this better? I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time maintaining what I want. – Friends With Benefits And Nothing More

Dear Ms. Friends With Benefits And Nothing More,

Welp, I guess you have summed it up and put a nice bow on it! LOL! You’ve reversed the roles, and have become a player. Oh, and men can’t handle a woman player! LOL!

You’re a woman who knows what she wants, how she wants it done, and the rules of being a side piece, and a jump off. And, I’m glad you’re protecting yourself, and requiring your partners to get tested in this process. Kudos!

Yet, there seems to be a disconnect with these men and yourself, and it’s the men who are catching feelings. And, I’m sure I may know why.

You mentioned earlier that your previous boyfriends were cheaters and abusive. Your dad left when you were 1-year old, and you were raped by an ex-boyfriend as a teenager. You’ve been to therapy and were diagnosed as depressed. You’ve worked on yourself, turned your life around, and are doing things for you, and loving yourself. Bravo! That’s admirable. You should be proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished.

But, the tell-tale thing you wrote is that you gravitate toward men that hurt you because you were hurt and damaged during your formative years. And, you said that you excelled in the three areas where you seem to have control over – Your career, education, and artistic pursuits. You then go on to mention that you are nowhere near ready to open your heart to love and you’re still working on you. Thus, in the meantime, you want a casual relationship, “Friends With Benefits.” And, it’s not going to happen. The fourth and fifth areas that need healing are your heart, and your psyche. You heart is still fragile, and your psyche is still conditioned to create and draw to you what you don’t want.

When these men meet you they still sense a woman who is damaged, hurting, and in pain. They see a woman reaching out for something, and, though you may feel you are masking your pain, they are probably reading your vulnerability which is written all over you. Therefore, they want to save you. They want to help you. You come across as the damsel in distress instead of the Princess Warrior you think you are.

Many people are able to have fabulous careers, successful educational pursuits, and excel in their artistic endeavors, but when it comes to matters of the heart they are a hot mess. They just can’t seem to get it right. It’s because you redirect your energy from your relationships (things you can’t control), to other things, i.e., career, education, and hobbies (things you can control).

You have no control over your emotions, and mentality in relationships. Therefore, instead of being in long-term disastrous failed relationships where you give your all, yet, nothing seems to work, you think you should do the complete opposite and just have casual relationships, FWB, and become callous, cold, and un-invested. You feel you can control sex, because it’s your body, and what man doesn’t want sex, right? Sex doesn’t involve thinking, or being mentally invested. It’s just sex.

But, you’re wrong. Many people become emotionally invested in casual FWB relationships. Though, you may feel like disconnected by it, the men you are with are not disconnected. They feel your energy, your vulnerability, and your desire to be wanted. Your mouth may be saying one thing, but your body and mind is telling them another.

I feel you truly want to date, but are unable to find the middle ground. The ability to date, have fun, enjoy the relationship, and not be too serious. That’s what you said you wanted in your letter. You want the ability to date, because you’ve never had that. You want the middle ground, but you’re fearful if you give your heart again, or invest in a relationship that it will fail.

First, I do believe you should stay in therapy, if you are. Continue to work on you, and heal your heart and yourself. YOU need the work, not your career, education, or artistic pursuits. Those are things. Work on you, sweetie.

Second, you can’t seem to control yourself in relationships, like you can control those things you are good at. It’s because you can’t control people. They are unpredictable. They are not manageable. These men are reading your body language in bed, and, though you may want to disconnect, they are sensing something. They are intrigued by you, and what you’re hiding. They want to know more. Who is this woman? What is she about? What is she hiding?

Third, it’s okay to open up, but you’ve got to learn how to manage your feelings and emotions. Not every man is a relationship. And, you don’t have to commit to being in a relationship or being with someone because they are pressuring you to do so. You have to learn how to say, “No!” And, speak up and say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Fourth, you can date. You can go out with these men, if you choose. But, be clear and up front with them about what you desire, what you want, and what you’re looking for. Let them know you are dating other men, and you’re just having fun. Dating is learning about other people, enjoying one another’s company, and having fun and going out. You can still have a casual FWB, but as long as you both know you’re dating. And, if it leads to something further, it’s because you want it to go further.

Lastly, if you can’t seem to find a man who knows and accepts the FWB role, and who can come over to just chill, get it popping, and leave, then you can either A.) Take matters in your own hand, and get you some fun and enjoyable toys, and pleasure yourself. Or, B.) Pay to play. Those men know what their role is, what they are there to do, and will do it leaving you pleased and satisfied. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?

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