First of all, I want to say that I really love you and your straight talk. Please take it easy with me. I know you can be hard. Here it goes.
Six months ago I met this incredible white guy, very charming, and fun to be around. Oh, and also generous with money. He has been divorced 3 times and doesn’t want anything to do with marriage anymore.
We decided to hook up, but it was a transactional agreement. By this, I mean he was going to give me money in exchange for sex. He made it very clear before we even slept together that this was purely fun and it meant nothing. I was okay with it at first because I just wanted his money. We continued like this for some time.
But, now things have changed and I have developed feelings for this guy. I mean deep feelings as in I now love him. He is constantly on my mind and I can’t get myself to sleep with any other guy. I told him that this is how I feel and he laughed in my face. He said he was not interested in anything exclusive, especially with me since he made things very clear in the beginning that our arrangement will not go beyond the walls of the bedroom. And, that I’m very stupid to have gotten my feelings involved. He literally said I should have stuck to the stipulations of the deal. But, Terrance, you can’t help who you fall in love with, can you?
My question, Terrance, is we have great sex and great fun together, so, why doesn’t he want to give us a chance? I can really make him very happy because I really love him and want to marry him. I’m willing to do anything to win this guy. I need your help. – Miss In Love
Dear Ms. Miss In Love,
I swear some of you women and that line, “….but I love him.” It will not get you anywhere in life.
You love him. Really? You love him? He’s paying you to have sex with him, but you love him now after six months of letting him do his business, and give you some money for it.
So, my Bossip students, what do you call a woman who enters into an arrangement with a man who clearly states he is paying her for sex?
Let’s get one thing straight: You can’t make someone else happy, and you can’t make someone love you. On the real, you don’t love yourself because if you did you wouldn’t be selling yourself to a man who clearly doesn’t want nothing from you other than what’s between your legs. And, once you agreed to this arrangement, trust and believe, no man will ever think of you as wifey material, or even consider being in a serious monogamous relationship with you. And, if you don’t love yourself, or respect yourself, then NO ONE else will.
You were being paid for services rendered. You were selling your body. You were on a retainer. You were a paid hooker, and you caught feelings for your trick. Do you not realize the arrangement you had with this man? Do you not realize he was paying you to spend time with him, to freak him, and to let him do whatever he wanted to your body in exchange for some money? That is a prostitute. A hooker. A call girl. And, on top of that, he specifically made you agree to not get your feelings and emotions involved because you were nothing more to him but some paid steady p***y.
So, no, I won’t take it easy on you because you allowed yourself to be tricked out for some man’s personal pleasure. You allowed your body to be used as a nut rag for a few dollars. You allowed yourself to be played and used for a man who wanted nothing more from you other than what’s between your legs. And, your stupid a** agreed to it. Which means you thought about it, you considered it, and you contemplated it with serious thought. You knew what you were getting yourself involved with, so, therefore, you did not think highly of yourself or your respectability to walk away from this situation, therefore, I am not going to be easy on you, and buy into your tricking a** ways.
Rule number 4,081: If you allow yourself to be tricked and pimped out, then you will be treated as such. If you don’t think highly of yourself, then why do you think anyone else will?
I’m curious to know what value do you place on yourself? What value do you think you’re worth? No respectable woman would allow herself to be pimped out as a sexual object merely for a few dollars. And, you didn’t even take the time to think about what this could potentially do to your self-esteem, body, and mental well-being. All you saw was the money, digging into his pockets, and how fun this would be to get paid to have sex. Therefore, you get what you got!
So, I ask you why would you subjugate yourself to be used at some man’s discretion for money? What are you lacking in your life that you feel you need to sell your body? When you look in the mirror and see yourself, do you love who you are? Do you think you’re worth more than some man’s fantastical idea of a bedroom beast of sexual pleasure?
It’s so sad because now that you’ve told him that you’ve fallen in love with him, he is treating you like a common whore. He’s degrading you, humiliating you, and he doesn’t even regard your feelings. He’s showing you, and telling you that you’re nothing to him, and you’re worth nothing more than what’s between your legs. He’s not interested in investing any time, or energy into getting to know you. He told you from the beginning that your arrangement meant nothing, which meant you are nothing.
So, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remove yourself from this situation. You don’t allow someone to use you, objectify you, and make you feel that the only thing you’re worth is what’s between your legs. You’re more than that. You have more to offer, and if he doesn’t want to see that, then don’t waste your time trying to prove to him who you are, what you have to give, and what you deserve.
If you don’t see your own value, your own self-worth, and your own power, then no one else will. Stop selling yourself. Stop sexually objectifying your body, and laying with a man who doesn’t even see you, respect you, or value you. This is the opportunity for you to wake up, recognize what you did, acknowledge why you did it, and understand the lesson in this. Your body can’t be bought. The toll this has on your emotional and mental well-being is not worth selling yourself, or laying in a man’s bed to be used. Wake the hell up, get the “F” out of this situation, and stop playing yourself! – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!