I have been with my now husband for 7 years on and off, and we have now been married for a month.
He has never looked at pornography before we got married, not that I am aware of anyway, and I have just recently seen some. He even accidently showed me one on his phone. He lies about them too, saying our kids must have clicked on something on YouTube by accident. And, my favorite one is the one he slipped and showed me on his phone when he was showing my other pictures of our kids. That one he told me was of us. HELLO! I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE!
Anyway, I have told him numerous times how I feel that it is cheating and how bad it hurts me. Yet, he still continues to lie and do it. Our sex life is far from lame. We have toys. I have sexy corsets, and such that I wear. So, it isn’t that.
I don’t know what to do about this. I have always had very low self-esteem and this stuff makes it worse. I really am at loss as to what to do. I could really use some help before I call it quits because I love this man more than I could possibly describe, but I really just don’t know what to do. – Why Is He Doing This
Dear Ms. Why Is He Doing This,
Girl, your man is collecting XXX pictures on his phone, and then has the audacity to keep them saved on his phone. LMBAO! But, hold up, he’s scrolling through his phone with you, and a picture comes up and you question him about it, and he tries to pass it off as you and him. LMBAO! I CAN’T!
And, I love that he blames it on your children saying that they must have clicked something on YouTube on his phone. That is hysterical. Uhm, sweetie, I don’t think you can pull up XXX pictures from YouTube. It’s not that type of site.
But, yeah, your husband is busted. And, why is he lying about it, I’m not sure? Maybe he’s always been doing it, however, you’ve never caught him doing it. You did say in your letter that you are not aware of him looking at these types photos prior to get married. So, there could be the possibility that he had been doing it, and he was good at hiding it. I don’t think he just started doing this. However, now that you are aware of it, and you’ve made it known to him that it makes you uncomfortable, and you told him that you feel as if he’s cheating, yet, he keeps collecting the photos. So, why is he ignoring your pleas and your requests to quit collecting or viewing the pictures?
It could be psychological, or it could be a fetish. It could be a desire, or just something for his viewing pleasure. Who knows, however, I think the best thing to do is ask him why does he have them and why is he viewing them. Be honest with him and confront him and stop playing his game of, “I don’t know how those pictures got on my phone.” Yes, you do! Stop lying and own up to your shenanigans. Be a man and say that you have been going to websites on your phone, looking at pictures, and downloading them. And, ma’am, you know good well and hell that those pictures are not of you and he, so bop him upside his head for lying to your face, and then bop him again because he’s an idiot and he’s disrespecting you.
Yes, he is disrespecting you by not honoring your requests. If you’ve told him that they make you uncomfortable, and that you feel he is cheating, but he keeps doing it anyway, then he is not listening to you, and nor does he care what you feel and how it makes you feel. He’s not respecting your marriage, and he’s not honoring you as his wife.
So, ask him, “Why are you viewing these pictures and saving them on your phone? How long have you been doing this? What does it do for you, and what type of pleasure are you getting out of this? Do you fantasize about those women? Do you want to be with them, or desire them? Do you wish I was more like them? After I’ve asked you to stop, why do you continue to do it? And, why do you lie about it?” If it is something that he can’t just can’t seem to help himself in doing, then recommend counseling, and speaking with someone to work through what is going on.
At some point you have to let him know that there will be consequences for his behavior if he keeps doing it. There has to be some repercussions for his behavior. You have to set boundaries, and give him an ultimatum. If you don’t do anything, and just sit by and pout, then he will keep doing it because he knows he can get away with it, and you’re not going to do anything about it.
Unfortunately, he is an adult, and your husband. You can’t monitor his phone, and restrict access on his phone to various websites as if he’s a child. You should be able to trust him, and that he would respect you and your marriage. Therefore, confront him, tell him to be honest with you, and find out why he’s doing, and what’s he getting from it. Then, get into counseling, and help work your way through this issue. There is something deeper that he may not want to reveal to you, or hurt your feelings. A mediator, and counselor can help you and he work through this issue together. – Terrance Dean
Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think?
Share your opinions and thoughts below!
Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!