I’m 27-years old and I have been in a three year on again off again relationship with a 43-year old man.
We have two kids together and our recent break up lasted a year. I was ready to move and found another guy and we had a child together. We were happy until he lost his life in a car accident. In which we were all involved, but everyone escaped with our lives except him.
So, some time has passed and my ex-boyfriend starts finding family members of mine and reaches out to me. I am in a vulnerable state. I really cared about my boyfriend who died, however, I still also have feelings for my ex. I want companionship, but don’t know if I should entertain the thought of picking back up with him. And, I honestly don’t know if he will accept the child I have with the deceased boyfriend. Please help me make sense of things. – Confused Tears
Dear Ms. Confused Tears,
I’m sorry for the loss of your boyfriend who died in the car accident. I’m sure that is traumatizing as everyone else managed to get out with your lives, but your boyfriend lost his.
You didn’t mention how long ago the accident occurred, however, I sense you are still mourning the loss. And, now that your ex-boyfriend has reemerged it has complicated things because you say you want companionship.
Well, I’m at a loss because if you and your ex have been in an on again off again relationship for three years, and you have two children together, and when you broke up you met another man and had another child by him, and now your ex is reaching out to family members of yours to contact you, then, why didn’t he know where you were, or how to contact you directly especially if you have two children together? Was the relationship abusive, so, therefore you went into hiding from him? Did he not remain active in their lives, and you just moved on hoping you would rid him out of your life?
There are so many unsaid things that I’m not sure of how to answer this letter. However, I do know that you should be in therapy, and you should speak with someone who can help you with the trauma you experienced over the loss of your boyfriend, as well as how to cope and deal with the pain and grief. The companionship you are seeking is a result of the loss you experienced and you want someone to fill that void. And, if your previous relationship with your ex wasn’t healthy, or productive, then making a decision to go back will only prove to be unhealthy and unproductive.
Yes, I know it seems convenient to reconnect with someone from your past, and someone you are familiar with. You don’t want to be alone at this time, so you resort back to old behaviors, and things that are familiar. That is a big mistake. Going back to something that wasn’t healthy, or you and he were fighting constantly, and it was not a good environment for you and your children will only produce a disastrous relationship for the both of you, and all those involved. The grief and pain has clouded your judgment. You fear being alone, and you don’t know how you’re going to care for your children without a man. You want someone to hold you, love you, and be there for you. Now that your ex has resurfaced it has you confused about your feelings and what to do.
However, you must think of your well-being, and that of your children. Will reconnecting with him only reproduce the very reason you left? What has changed? Has he changed? What will be different this time around?
I feel you should find a spiritual outlet such as a church, or group where you can work on you. Work on your feelings, emotions, and mental well-being. You should also find a counselor or professional therapist to talk about your grief, and pain. Finally, spend this time with loved ones such as family, friends, and your children. Surround yourself with those who love you, and can be support systems for you. Yes, I know being alone is hard, but you need this time to heal instead of jumping back into another relationship, especially with an ex and it wasn’t healthy. You need the time to work on you, discover who you are, what you want, and what you need. – Terrance Dean
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