I just need a little advice and I’m just going to get right to it.
I’ve been with this guy for close to three years. We have a two month old son together, and we live together. I have never felt like this about anybody I’ve ever dated. Nobody has ever treated me the way that he has treated me.
However, when we met he lied to me. He lied to me about his age, then about two weeks into meeting him we got tattoos together. He got a name and I asked him whose name it was and he lied and told me it was his grandmother. Come to find out it was his girlfriend at the time. Mind you from day one we have spent every single day together so I didn’t understand him having a girlfriend.
I also found messages on his Facebook that he left open on MY computer. So, I confronted him and told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. That lasted about a week after all the begging, crying, and pleading. I just gave in.
Fast forward to me being six months pregnant, a girl whom I have never met or seen before came to his home unannounced. He had left for a moment and at first she never said anything to me and she just asked me how far along I was. I told her and that was when she finally told me she was his girlfriend. She tried to corner me in the house and she finally let me outside. He came back and they got into a fight and he told her she was crazy and told her not to ever come back around. Well, she did.
She showed up at his home about three weeks ago and I answered the door thinking it was someone else. My son was there and she said she wanted to fight me. My son’s father pushed her out and I took my son and just left. I took the high road because my son was there and I didn’t fight her.
Since then, she has sent me text messages saying that she’s happy we’re together and wants us to get married. I have put in so much time with this man and the good times outweigh the bad. Time after time we have talked about it and he has reassured me that there is nothing to worry about and he wants to be with me for the rest of my life.
I want to believe him and I want to move forward, but it’s always in my mind that he lied. How do I know he’s still not lying to me? I love him so much and don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to be naive. My question to you is should I trust him after this and do you believe they still have something going on? Am I going to be able to forgive him and am I going to get past this? I know you don’t do pity parties so just give it to me. – Ugly Predicament
Dear Ms. Ugly Predicament,
So, the fact that he lied to you from the very beginning of your relationship, and it’s three years later and he’s still lying to you, and you’re asking me how do you know if he’s still lying to you? Really? Really! You can’t be that damn dumb! Chile, what is it about these men that they can do and say anything to you, and, yet, you refuse to see what is so plainly clear and obvious? What is it about these men that they can continue to lie to your face, but you continue to give them the benefit of the doubt, and then wonder if he will keep lying to you? SMDH!
But, hold up, after two weeks of dating you decided to get tattoos together, and he gets his girlfriend’s name, but he lies about it and tells you it’s his grandmother’s name, then, you learn the truth, and, yet, you still decided to continue into a relationship with him. So, who’s the dummy? No, really? He has his girlfriend’s name on his body, lies to you, but you take him back after him crying and pleading. Uhm, he knows you have very low self-esteem, and you were desperate to have a man because only a woman who doesn’t value herself, and her own worth would put up with some bull-ish like that.
Then, while you were six months pregnant, another woman comes to your home, confronts you and tells you that she is his girlfriend, and, again, you stayed with him. But, it gets better, because three weeks ago she shows up at your home again ready to fight you over this same man who continues to lie to you, disrespect you, and deceives you. Now, let’s do the math: If while you were pregnant she claims they were in relationship, and after you gave birth she comes to your house and shows out and is ready to fight with you, but he jumps in and tells her to leave, then, what makes you think that he broke up with her? What makes you think that the two of them are not still seeing one another? And, now you want to know if you can trust him, and if they have something going on, and if you can forgive him and move on. Girl, goodbye!
It’s obvious that whatever he is telling you, and selling you it will not change anything I can tell you, or what anyone will tell you. You’re not going to leave him. You’re not going to end the relationship, and he will continue to lie to you. He will continue to cheat on you, and you will continue to believe whatever he tells you because you’re the fool who keeps giving him chance after chance despite the lies and other women showing up at your home. He will throw it in your face, and continue to disrespect you because you don’t respect yourself, and nor do you love yourself.
He has another woman’s name tattooed on his body, and there you are with him. He cheated on you, and dated another woman while you were pregnant, and there you are with him. He lies, and lies, and lies and lies, and there you are with him. Ma’am, how can you say you love him when you don’t know him? Three years into this relationship and, yet, he continues to lie to you, and you keep uncovering them, but it gets you no closer to knowing who he really is.
You’re in love with a fraud. He’s a con. So, until you come to terms with that reality, then you will continue to convince yourself that you are in love with the idea of a man that you are hopeful that he will become. You are in love with the man you hope that he will become. You are in love with the idea of being in love because you can’t possibly love or be in love with someone you don’t know. So, will things change between you and he, NO! Will he stop lying to you, NO! Will he be the man you hope he will become and the man you want to love, NO! Will he continue to cheat, lie, manipulate, and deceive you, YES! Now you decide on whether or not you should stay or if you can ever trust him. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!