Dear Bossip: My Child's Father Refuses To Be A Parent For His Own Child, But Acts Like One For A Child That's Not His

Dear Bossip,

I met a guy a few years ago and things spun off rather fast. I ended up pregnant, as he purposely took the condom off.

He had me thinking it broke. He told me when I was 6 months pregnant what he did. He actually laughed about it. That’s when I started finding out all these secrets and lies he had hidden, including other women and all kinds of criminal behavior and pending charges (we lived in different cities).

I come from a two-parent household and my mom has always instilled in me if he will do it to her he will do it to you. Eventually, my child was born and he asked for us to be a family, in which I declined, as I have come to learn listen to what your parents say or it will come back to haunt you. I told him to just do his part as a father and I will do mine, but I didn’t want a relationship. I even attempted to come to an agreement for child support, such as he can do it on his own and wouldn’t have to give me the money. I gave him the daycare number to pay it himself, or, to send a money order, etc. That way, he would have receipts showing he was contributing. He said NO.

I work full-time and was in school at the time. Finally, I got fed up and pursued child support. We hadn’t spoken in months and when we finally did he went on to say how he was on house arrest and wanted me to travel to bring the child to see him. Mind you, when he was free he didn’t think twice to come see his child. He goes on to say how he is in a relationship and is a great father to her child, which is not his. What the hell! He wouldn’t provide or even establish a relationship with his own child.

Once child support was ordered he decided that he wanted custody, as an effort to get out of child support. I paid attorneys fees and court costs while he lied about working and he paid nothing. On top of it, a visitation schedule was established and he missed more than half of the visitations, resulting in him not getting 50/50 shared custody.

He then married the girl and had her send a letter saying he no longer wanted to see his child. Now, through all this she even brags how great of a father he is to her child, and he stated he has an understanding at home and he can do what the f**k he wants. Bossip, that’s fine and dandy, but, what makes them think that is supposed to apply over here? The only time I hear from him is when child support finds him, and that of course is because he doesn’t pay unless he gets a letter, and even then that’s $50, and maybe $100, if I guess he feels good. LOL!

I spoke to him and he says he doesn’t have time to show up at a set time. Then, he stated he doesn’t want to take the child, and I replied you wanted the child 6 months out of the year, but you can’t show up at a certain time? I even had it set where we didn’t have to see or deal with one another, and he said that he doesn’t need to do that. I am totally at a loss for words.

He always seems to throw up his relationship in my face or what he does for a child that isn’t his, or he blames me for not being in his own child’s life. The last time I saw him he then attempted to bash the new woman on how childish she is and how he doesn’t want to be with her, but she has given him thousands of dollars here and there. I told him I didn’t want to hear what issues they were having because it was all fun and games when they were taking me through the ringer, knowing that I am the only one who provides for my child with no government assistance or anything, as I am considered to make too much.

But, I couldn’t help but think how is it you have money to do everything else but support and be a part of your child’s life? He literally had her file a petition to modify child support because he is “allegedly” unemployed. But, he just told me that he has his own business and is doing great. Confused? Me too.

What I don’t understand is that he tells me how great his life is and how he has changed and wants to be a part of our child’s life, but he expects to come over when he wants. I am in a new relationship, but I take my time as I sure as hell don’t want to make the same mistake twice. I am currently studying for the LSAT to go to go law school, and I have a great job. My child isn’t going without, but my child asked why doesn’t daddy want to be a part of their life.

Again, I have always had both parents and I don’t know how to respond. It seems like my child’s father is out to get me and what I mean is that he is out to hurt me no matter the cost. I really thought by him getting married he would have changed, but I have heard people say they have seen pictures on social media of him interacting with this child and kissing the child in mouth. He even told me the kid calls him dad.

I have to be honest, it pisses me off because all I asked him to do was do his part of being a parent and he refuses. He asked for pictures and I have sent them only to find out he posts them on social media portraying like he is an active father in our child’s life, and that is very far from the truth.

At this point, I am fed up. I feel like the games and drama has gone on too long. Is it safe to say he cares more about his step-child than his own? I ensure my child has the same opportunities as other children. Should I just let it go and accept he isn’t going to do right by the child? Why would a man, or rather boy, act this way? At this point I have ceased contact as I realized contact is not about my child. I know I have an ignorant situation on my hands. LOL! And, I laughed because my parents warned me. I know you reap what you sow, but, this is honestly the only negative aspect of my life.

But, I sit and wonder how can he change and do right by a kid that isn’t his versus his own? And, his mom is not any help. I am made out to be the bad person or the chick that keeps the kid away because he can’t come by when he feels like it. My response to that is there is a court order in place, if I am keeping the child away I could risk losing my child and I refuse to let anyone prevent me from being in my child’s life. I want to believe he has changed, but at the same time I know all too well leopards don’t change their spots. Should I just wash my hands and close the door? I am at odds with this situation. – My Child’s Absent Father

Dear Ms. My Child’s Absent Father,

The moment he told you he took the condom off, and he laughed about it, then you should have known you were in world of trouble.

You are dealing with a little boy. An ignorant childish and immature boy. And, the reason he can be a father to another woman’s child is because 1.) The child isn’t his, and he can get up and walk away without any regrets, responsibility, or attachments to the child. If their relationship was to end today he wouldn’t feel no ways about the child because biologically the child is not his. There is no connection, and he would have no obligation to care for the child.

2.) The woman is taking care of him. She gives him a home, feeds him, clothes him, gives him money, and gives him sex. She is his surrogate mother. Something you chose not to do. So, yes, he married someone who could take care of him because he sure as hell can’t take care of himself.

3.) If he can’t take care of himself, then why in the hell would you think he would take care of your child? He can’t even sustain his own well-being, therefore, why are you holding out hope that he will step up and be a man and care about the well-being of your child? SMDH!

You have done all you can do. You have been extremely accommodating. What more can you do? He has to be willing to step up and do his part. Unfortunately, he wants you to be like everyone else in his life who takes care of him, bends over backwards for him, and caters to him. He is not your child! It explains a lot of why his mother and wife continue to do for him, and treat him like the little boy he is. He has learned how to manipulate and play this game with them and they continue to allow him to do it. They don’t require much from him, and that explains why he has no job, lives with a woman who takes care of him, his criminal behavior and pending charges which he’s probably been charged with by now.

He wants to be the victim, and play this game of “She won’t let me see my child.” Bull-ish! If he really wanted to see his child, then he would find suitable employment, make the necessary child support payments, and he would be active in your child’s life. He would not miss the visitation appointments, and he would travel from here to China if he had to. Hell, you are in the same country, and, yet, he can’t find the means or ways to come get his child, or spend time with his child.

Continue doing you, and making sure your child has everything they need. Every visitation that your child’s father misses, document it and keep a record. All of the payments you receive, document it and keep a record. All of the text messages and promises he makes of wanting to spend time with his child, document it and keep a record. Then, you go back to court, and let them know what has been going on. Show them the documentation and records you have been keeping, and then you ask for full custody of your child. Then, you ask for an increase in child support payments.

It’s unfortunate that your child has to ask why their father does not want to be in their life. You just let your child know that they have lots of people in their life who love them, and support them. You encourage your child to be great, and they can do anything they want in life. Surround your child with positive male role models, such as your father, grandfather, uncles, cousins, and other males who can be a positive influence in their life.

Please stop giving this man too much of your energy and time. He is not worth it or the aggravation. He is a sperm donor. That’s it and that’s all. He will never step up to the plate and be the parent or father you want him to be. Therefore, stop hoping, and wishing he will do the right thing. Girl, he can’t even decipher between right and wrong, that explains his poor decisions, irresponsibility, and inability to maintain a job. He will always have someone, or find some woman to take care of him while he sits around doing nothing. He is a nothing a** man with a nothing a** life. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!