Okay, here’s my problem. I’m 25 years old, and I have an 8 year old daughter.
I’m a student who’s in Pharmacy, and right now I work as a Phlebotomist just to get by. I stay in my dad house with my little girl (my dad moved out to live with his wife, but I plan on taking over the house once I get done with school). I just wanted you to know a little about me first.
Anyway, I have known this boy since 9th grade and I knew he had a crush on me since then, but we never took it anywhere. So, as time when on we ran into each other and exchanged numbers, that’s was like 2011. We were talking and I was trying to see if I can be with him and start something serious with him. I thought I could, but the problem is he acts like he has cold feet, like he is scared to have a serious relationship with me.
He talks about having a family with me, and tells me the reasons why he loves me so much is because he sees that I have goals and I want something out of life. But, I try my best to be there for him. I met his mother and grandmother and most of all his family. I’m very cool with everyone. And, I tried to let him meet my father and my family, but he says he’s not ready so I let it go.
But, my problem is that every time we are around each other we fuss, and I’m not the type of person who likes fussing because I think it doesn’t help anything when you fuss with somebody. And, every time he comes around all he wants is sex. Even after we go out and I feel like why we have to have sex all the time. I’m not saying I don’t like sex, but I just want more then sex.
And, an example of why we fuss, one time he came over my house (when he comes by he only spend like an hour with me and then it’s back in the streets with his homeboys), and I was like can you take me to my school so I can pick something up. He was like ok. So, we went and he dropped me off. I was like, what the hell! I thought you were coming in with me. He was like no, he doesn’t look good, and I was like who cares what you have on (he’s a “big boy” my teddy bear LOL), and he was like I do.
So, I closed the door and left. Once I was done I called him to come get me because he told me to call him when I was ready, and when I did he was already waiting for me. As we were driving he passed a park where all his friends were hanging out, and he told me to give him a minute because he wanted to get out and talk to his homeboys right quick. I was very mad by this time. I just feel like every time it’s my time to hang with him or anything he had to make time for other people who he sees every day.
And, now it’s to the point where he comes to my house like every other week or I don’t hear from him for weeks or days. I changed my number and told him I was done because it’s not working, but the boy keeps popping up at my house. I asked him what does he want from me and he says he love me and he just wants me to give him time to get his self together because I know what I want out of life. I guess he is still trying to figure out what he wants.
I just feel like I shouldn’t wait on him to get his act together. I feel like if he loves me like he says he does then that should be enough for him to stop playing these kiddie games. I just feel hurt and stupid because I feel like he has somebody else and he is just leading me on. It also hurts because I have known him for so long and didn’t think he would treat me like this.
But, I’m lost and I keep trying to cut him off. I change my number, and when he comes to my house I leave him outside. And, then he comes to my grandmother’s house looking for me, but I tell him to leave me alone. He always comes with this same story that he loves me. But, I don’t see it because he doesn’t act like it.
So, I need your help because I really like him. I think he can be a good father and husband, but I don’t’ know what’s the problem with him. I’m so lost, confused, and hurt. And, oh yeah, I’m sorry, but I never had any girls call my phone about him. I never saw him with any girls. Any time I call his phone he answers, and if he doesn’t answer he calls me right back less than 5 seconds. And, plus he tries to use my friends and family to get to me. I just wanted you to know that on his part. I don’t want him to look bad. But, I really need your straight forward advance on this. – His Strange Behavior
Dear Ms. His Strange Behavior,
Girl, who has time for this?!?! Seriously! Who has time to deal with some insecure grown man boy who doesn’t know what he wants, and what he wants out of life?
Why are you putting yourself through this? It’s not worth it. He’s not worth your time or energy. You are in school, working towards advancing yourself, and you have a job making your own money. And, you’re raising your daughter, and you have a place to live. So, in logical terms and all sensibilities, what is this clown bringing to the table for you? How is he adding to your life? How does he inspire you, empower you, encourage you, or uplift you?
Sweetie, this man is intimidated by you. He can’t live up to being the man you desire or need, so he shrinks himself and diminishes himself, and avoids spending time with you or allowing you to really get to know him because he knows you will see through his fraud and discover he is just a little boy with no hopes, dreams, or desires. He’s like the rest of his homeboys who are chilling in the streets, or at the park doing nothing, being nothing, and working towards nothing.
The only thing he feels he can bring to the table is sex. That is why he can come to your house and give you an hour of his time. Beyond that hour what more does he have? Seriously, what more does he have to give you? His conversation is about nothing, and he isn’t contributing to your life in other meaningful ways. Therefore, like most men who feel that their power and manhood exists in their penis, that is where he feels he can be a man with you. He can give you something that you need, and sex is the only thing he is contributing to your so-called relationship.
He is emotionally and mentally unavailable. He doesn’t know how to be with a woman other than physically. And, even physically he doesn’t know how to hold, comfort, and just be with you. It has to be about sex. He is young boy that has not matured. He finds being with his boys, and hanging out with them to be his comfort zone. They don’t require much from him, and therefore, their time with women becomes spurts of time here and there. They will go home to be with their girl for an hour or so, and then it’s back to the streets. They will take you to the movies, or out to eat, and then it’s back to the streets. When they are horny, and need some sex, they will make time to spend with you, but afterward it’s back to the streets. They are immature and inept little boys.
So, either you wait until he grows up, which will be never. Or, you move on with your life, and begin dating men who are about substance, and who are about being more than the street corner posts hanging with their boys. I’m sure there are available smart and attractive men at your school, or whom you come into contact with your job. Once you begin to see your own self-worth, and value, then you won’t worry about some grown man boy who is unable to meet your dad, or family because of his own insecurities. The point I’m making is that though you may want him to be the good guy, and he isn’t out there cheating, however, he is emotionally and mentally immature. He can’t fully express himself emotionally or verbally, and his silly young boy antics are tiresome and draining. You can’t make him grow up, and get himself together. And, I don’t suggest or recommend you sit around waiting either. – Terrance Dean
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