I am battling a serious case of depression. Just to get this out of the way, I am seventeen years old and I have twins by the man I’m about to tell you about.
So, I’m prepared for all the “being stupid and immature for having a baby so young and out of wedlock” bashings I’m sure to receive. However, I seriously need some help as to what to do about my boyfriend. I’m at a loss.
I fell in love with him several years ago. So, when we finally got together it seemed like a dream come true for me! (If only I knew then what I know now I would’ve avoided so many problems). I made the initial mistake of getting with him when I did in the first place because he had just ended a long term relationship on the grounds of her cheating. She was pregnant and didn’t know whether it was his child or not. However, he convinced me that things between them were done and he needed me and loved me. As I mentioned before, I fell in love with him years prior (before his last relationship), so when he approached me I couldn’t say no. We got into a relationship very soon after. Mistake number one.
Things seemed amazing at first. I figured from the beginning things weren’t what they seemed because I didn’t believe he could just jump from a relationship that fast, yet, being young and naive (I was 16 at the time) I just put that to the side and didn’t take notice to all the red flags. But, he seemed genuine and honest with me so I made myself believe we had a perfect relationship. Unknowingly, I also created a whirlwind of future problems for myself.
He started out as this seemingly perfect boyfriend who always took me out places and treated me like a queen to eventually turning into a jealous, insecure, controlling man who wanted to isolate me from everybody. He had a rough childhood and was abused growing up. I figured that these were where his issues were stemming from, but I was convinced I could help him change!
At the time, I was in the 11th grade, had a job, and was excelling in school. Once I allowed him to enter my life, he made me quit my job and the stress from our relationship caused my grades to plummet. Now, fast forward a few months and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. I dropped out of school.
Shortly after I found out about my pregnancy, he broke up with me over me talking to guys on my social websites. He left me to go through my pregnancy alone and be with his other baby mama. (DNA proved the child was his). At the beginning of my pregnancy I was so depressed, I didn’t even want to live. Here I was sixteen, heartbroken, pregnant with no source of income, and no education because I didn’t finish high school. (I don’t expect any sympathy because these were all my decisions and I was just suffering the consequences!)
My ex and I didn’t speak anymore so I was miserable. After a few months though, I had to pull my -ish together and quit feeling sorry for myself! I had to get back on the right track for my children and to better our future. So, I began GED classes that summer and planned on attending college in the fall after their birth. It was a slow process, but I eventually got back to a place where I was ok to get on with my life. But, then, I allowed myself to fall right back into his trap. Mistake number two.
Right before my children were born, my ex and I got in contact and we got back together. He stepped up and became the best father to our children. Not long after, the same cycle went on. He started off amazing, but very soon after went back to controlling me. He didn’t want me going to my GED classes anymore. He didn’t want me to work, and he would flip if I even mentioned college to him. He didn’t allow me to hang with my friends anymore and wanted me to report every time I left the house without him. He also began dictating what clothes I could and couldn’t wear. I was in love and weak-minded, so I allowed him to have this control over me. Mistake number 3.
I found out so much about him this second time around. I found out he was cheating on me the first time we were together. I found out he was having sex with several women while I was pregnant. And, I found out he was messing around this time we’ve been together, too. I also found out he was messing with other females while I was in the hospital recovering from having our children. More recently, he gave me an STD. Because of all these things I have a resentment towards him I can’t get rid of. He left me pregnant over social media, but he was actually out cheating on me. He gets mad at me for having guy friends when I was pregnant, but he was in several relationships during that time period. He’s cheated on me this time, yet, gets livid if I even speak to a male worker at a store. Even through all of this, I stayed. Mistake number 4.
Now, at this point in our relationship, he is trying to be faithful and more family-oriented, but I’m already fed up! I may be stupid for staying with him this long, but in no way am I a bad girlfriend. I was loyal to him throughout everything thinking I was supposed to be this ride or die bish because that’s a true girlfriend. I’ve had to mature and realize that I’ve been disrespecting myself by allowing him to disrespect me. He doesn’t deserve me or to have us to call his family. I’m ready to bounce!
Why haven’t I packed my stuff way before now, right? Believe me when I tell you I tried. And every time it ends in me being sore, abused, and thrown against walls. The last time I tried he became irate and began to bite me on my face, throw me on the floor and against walls, and he even raped me. He also threatens suicide whenever I try to leave now because he literally has no one else but us. This is his fault because he’s mean and cruel to everyone so he has no friends and no family members that want to be bothered with him. I’m too terrified to tell him I still want to leave because I don’t want to get hurt and if he does actually hurt himself I don’t want it to be because of me. I also have no job and no way to provide for my children. What is the best way to go about this?
I know you’re about to go hard on me Mr. Dean, but I may just need that right now. I’m almost 18-years old with nothing to show for myself. I’m actually crying while I type this. I seriously need some advice and I’m too embarrassed to speak with anyone else. What do I do? – Stressed and Depressed
Dear Ms. Stressed and Depressed,
The first thing you did was to recognize you want out of this dangerous emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive relationship. You identified that he doesn’t deserve you or for you and your children to call this a family. You also recognize your worth and value, and that you want more for yourself.
Now, how do you go about leaving this relationship with no money, and no job? Honey, if he is living with you, then you change the locks on the doors, change your number, and delete him from your social media accounts. If he comes to your house, then you call the police. I don’t care if he threatens to hurt himself, or if he has no place else to go, so what! Call the police and let them deal with him. If you don’t, and you keep allowing him back into your space he will continue to abuse you, and one day it may be very well be your last.
When the police arrive, file a restraining order to keep him away from you. Do whatever you have to do to keep him out of your life. I don’t care if they have to lock him up. Stop making excuses for him, because he clearly doesn’t care about you, your well-being, or your children’s well-being. He has destroyed your life ever since he entered it, and you can re-read your letter to see the pattern of destruction he has caused once you allowed him entrée. Evil can only enter your life because you invite it in. Stop granting him access to you and your life.
You’ve identified that you’ve made childish immature mistakes in your life with this relationship. Look at your life. Look at what you have, what you’ve accomplished and what you’re dealing with and ask yourself is it worth it? Is he worth it? Girl, you better muster the strength and courage to change this –ish today or you will be a forever victim in a vicious cycle of poverty, welfare, abusive men, and destructive behaviors. Get out and get help. Or, will you keep making these same mistakes over and over again, or will you do something about it?
Let’s be clear, he’s abused you, raped you, cheated on you, and have literally destroyed your soul and spirit. He is an emotional and mental terrorist who wants nothing more but to cause conflict and drama in his path. He destroys everything because someone destroyed him a long time ago. You can’t fix him, change him, or make him be better, or different. He is not your mission to fix. Let him go and start working on you.
All of the times he’s abused you, and especially the rape, you should have reported it. And, it’s not too late. Go to the police and tell them what happened. You need to have this recorded and reported because God forbids if he does anything else to you, and you haven’t said anything to anyone. Start talking and stop being afraid and living in fear.
And, where are your parents? Why can’t you talk with your mother, or someone in your family about what is going on? You have to build a support system around you, and you need positive reinforcements from loved ones who can help you, encourage you, and continue to push you toward your goals, and moving on with your life. Stop living in this isolated world as the victim and become a victor.
I recommend finding a shelter, or domestic violence center in your area that can help you with this emotional, mental, and physical abuse. Talk with the counselor, and they will assist you in a support group, and in getting treatment for your depression. Also, they can help you with filing the restraining order, and going to court to get full custody of your children, and, also job training and assistance. They also can help you get back into school to earn your GED, and plans for college. But, you have to be willing to make the necessary steps toward healing yourself, and getting out of this situation. Only you can make the difference, so, stop being a doormat for him, and get out of your feelings because they are not serving you. He means to do you harm, and he is not going to change. You have to be the motivating force to get out of this vicious cycle for the sake of yourself and your children.
I really want you to re-read your letter. Notice what how he has destroyed everything around you, and how he has done nothing to improve your life, or encourage you. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want to be with you. He is incapable of loving you or anyone else. He doesn’t even love himself. Therefore, your desires to be the ride or die bish, and the faithful girlfriend has not gotten you nothing from him but heartache, stress, and a life of nothingness because he is a nothing a** boy. Today is the day you start moving forward. Today is the day you say no more. And, today is the day you begin to heal and change your life. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!