Dear Bossip: My Fiance Said Two Ways He’ll Accept That I Love Him – If I Keep A Clean House & Be A Healthy Wife

- By Bossip Staff

Dear Bossip,

I have been with my fiancé for almost four years now.  We dated a year before he proposed. However, we found out he was still married and had to postpone our own wedding plans.

Each time I bring up that he needs to divorce the woman he married out of obligation and before our son gets much older, he has an excuse to cover for it. The tax return money goes to paying off whatever car loans he’s taken out to buy his flashy electronics all while I sit and silently suffer.  He’s negative about our relationship, and has been since he found out he was still married.

The little things that he’d help with stopped. He no longer helps around the house or helps run the household. We have a one year old boy who’s learning that mommy is always there for him and that mommy is doing her best to keep everything clean for daddy. When my fiancé gets home all I hear from him is what I didn’t get to – The floors not swept or mopped. Dishes not clean. The bedroom not vacuumed, and the bathroom not thoroughly cleaned. Even the fact that I can’t go out and run laundry so he can have clean clothes for work and the baby can have clean bedding he drags into it. After which, he asks what did I do all day. I clean the house!

I tend to a very active one year old and I do my best to study for an exam so I can get a good job so he can leave his since he’s no longer working as hard as he used to do. I get asked when I’ll lose the baby fat, and why I can’t go back to being “high-school skinny,” (I weighed less than 100 pounds and was anorexic then), and why I can’t put forth any effort for him. He doesn’t see that I do put effort in, wherever I can.  I’ve been on a “Yogurt only” diet for two weeks. I planned to do it only for one week so I could eat right and get back on track after. And, while I’ve lost weight, he doesn’t think it’s enough.

I’ve tried telling him that he’s hurting me emotionally only for him to blast me that I’m hurting him by not giving him the two ways he’ll accept that I love him. He wants a clean house and a healthy wife (I’m not legally his wife). And, his definition of clean is dang near immaculate. I’ve shown him how I feel about him a dozen different ways – massages, giving him a child, letting him have whatever he asks for, tending to everything that needs immediate attention and all around showing him that I love him.

Yes, I’m a stay-at-home mom, but again, with a one year old and getting to his level of clean is impossible without my son being shut up in his room from the time he wakes up to bedtime, day in and day out.

I’m not in any way capable of leaving this man, not for my son to have a father, financially or really emotionally. He has slept with his “wife” while with me and after I told him that I hated him and her for doing it he pointed out that I had, in the very beginning of our relationship, said he could sleep around if I knew about it. It hadn’t been discussed after the birth of our son, nor any time prior to him doing it with a woman he knows is only using him as an excuse to cheat on her baby-daddy.

I keep asking him to get tested, but he refuses saying he knows she’s clean because she only goes after guys in relationships first, but that doesn’t mean a thing. Not when the woman is a known whore and isn’t picky about who sleeps with her while she’s with another man.

I have “F’d” up and flirted with another guy after telling him I was in love with the man I’m with, but that stopped cold when it was found out. I trust the man I’m with to know right from wrong, but sometimes….sometimes I wonder if I’m really with him for the fact that he is a roof over my head and the father of my son. I feel like I’m taking care of two children. I’m overwhelmed with keeping my home happy and safe for my son and my fiancé.

How can I get my fiancé to see that he’s hurting me emotionally by not being a supportive partner?  I feel like I’m dying inside every time he mentions that he wants to sleep with another woman or when we goes to the movies and he makes little appreciative noises when a hot girl comes onscreen. Am I not good enough of a person to deserve to be happy? – Want My Fiance To Respect Me

Dear Ms. Want My Fiance To Respect Me,

Hey maid (In my Joseline Hernandez voice). Chile, you are a slave. A servant. An in-house maid. You are the help, and he doesn’t want to marry the help. Why would he when you told him in the very beginning of your relationship that he could sleep around if he told you about it. What woman will tell her man, her future husband, that he could sleep around so long as he told her about it? HUH!?!?! SMDH!

You set yourself up, and have helped to create this monster you call your fiancé. Being thirsty and desperate for a man, and giving him Carte Blanche to do whatever he wants will always, always, always lead to him treating you any type of way he wants because he knows how desperate you are to have a man, and what you will do to try to keep a man. Therefore, he berates you, belittles you, and demeans you, and you allow him to treat you like a doormat because you don’t want lose him. You will do everything in your power to keep him, even at the detriment and risk of your own well-being, and your own health.

You are on this “Yogurt only” diet because he tells you that you are too fat and wants you to be “high school skinny.” You are willing to risk your own health and your own body by becoming anorexic, yet again, to please a man. You obviously have not learned anything from your previous and past experiences, and, therefore, you will continue to repeat the cycles of self-destruction because you don’t love yourself, and you don’t have any self-respect or self-worth.

He is abusive, controlling, and a womanizer. And, you will sit up here and brag about giving him a child, bending over backwards for him, doing everything to make him happy, yet, you suffer in silence, and allow him to walk all over you because you want to marry this damn fool! Girl, stop. Please stop and get a hold of yourself. You are lost, and he has destroyed your spirit and soul.

You’re up here talking about you want him to respect you, and acknowledge everything you are doing for him so that he can stop hurting you and recognize that you are a good person who deserves to be loved. Well, sweetie, a woman who knows she is deserving of love, respect, and being acknowledged by her fiancé wouldn’t allow him man to verbally, emotionally, and mentally abuse her and call it love. A woman who knew who her self-worth and value wouldn’t call a man her fiancé if they learned that he is still married to another woman, and he doesn’t make or take the necessary steps to get the proper divorce from his soon-to-be-ex-wife. She wouldn’t even have to demand that he does what it takes to get the divorce, because that man would rectify the situation as soon as he learned he was still married because he loves, cherishes, and honors his future wife.

So, you don’t have a fiancé. You have a wimp of an excuse of a man who doesn’t love you, or even cares about you. He is lame, and sorry. He will never appreciate you, or respect you because he doesn’t appreciate or respect himself. To treat you the way he does says a lot about how he feels about himself. He’s angry, bitter, hurting, and has some deep rooted issues from his childhood that are unresolved. He’s miserable, and unhappy, therefore, he takes out his frustration and weakness on you to control you, and impose his power. You, and the house, are the only thing he can control, and you let him.

Walk away. Stop saying what you can’t do, and what you don’t have. If you truly love yourself, your child, and your lives, then you wouldn’t worry about the roof over your head, and the treatment this man puts you through. You would find the necessary means, and wherewithal to get out of this destructive, unhealthy, and abusive relationship. It’s not worth it. You will never measure up, nor be the woman he ever desires or wants to marry. You will continue to live in hell, being a slave, as he continues to destroy your spirit and soul. Find a shelter. Go to your church or spiritual center. Find someone you can talk to, and start devising an exit plan. Girl, pack you and your child’s clothes and get out. Walk away, no, run like your life depends on it. If you stay in this situation, and even marry this man your life will become a huge rut of despair, unhappiness, and misery. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!


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